Complicated 15yr marriage

This is going to be very long but worth it. I (33f) am completely addicted to my (34m) husband! We started off years ago crazy about each other but in the past fifteen years we both have did a lot of things wrong to each other. He cheated on me on and off for the first thirteen years, mostly with his ex and would cut off all contact with me until he decided to come back to me while the whole time I literally begged him to come home and love me like I loved him and as bad as it hurt I always wanted to be with him and he always came home. The last time he left me for his ex three years ago I cheated too. We both forgave each other because we still wanted to be together. Two years ago he went to jail and at that point I was done trying and ready for a divorce. Within the three months he was locked up I did the biggest whore thing to do and ended up having a short affair with his best friend which was the worse mistake of my life and also caught a std that I didn't know about and eventually passed it to my husband. The first day he got out and I seen his face, heard his voice and felt his touch all them same butterflies came back just like when we first started dating and I knew I wanted my husband back. He was devastated and very hurt about me and the best friend and I completely understand where he is coming from because I have felt the same hurt from him. I deeply regret what I did and who it was with, I truly believe he will never actually fully forgive me. I feel into server depression and and been battling it every since, I have not been a easy person to be around let alone love. For a while my husband was so into me, he called me gorgeous like it was my name, he loved to touch my body, he would send me the good text that make you smile until it hurts, he made it very clear that he was so in love with me but eventually it all stopped because he said it didn't make me happy when actually he was the only person I was happy with but unfortunately I felt really horrible about myself, i wasn't happy with my life or the choices I have made and sometimes I was mean to him which he didn't deserve. It's been a hell of a battle with my mental health for a very long time but my medicine is working better now and I'm trying everyday to be a better person and stay positive. Here's the problem I'm having, I am head over heels in love with my husband and I let him know every chance I get because I want to build him up, tell him how attracted I am to him, make him feel so loved by me and him to know I will be his team mate for the rest of our lives but I don't get anything like that from him anymore and after talking about it many times I know now he must not have the same feelings for me anymore because if he still did that stuff would come so naturally and i know my depression caused him to loose it. Don't get me wrong though he does love me a lot but I just feel mostly like a best friend now. He holds my hand while he drives, he tells me he misses me when I'm at work, he does stuff for me and he spends all his time with me which I do appreciate very much but Ive been so sad and cry at night because I want him to be crazy about me again. Am I being dramatic? The way I feel about my husband is unexplainable, I feel like i really am addicted to him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I really don't even know how he feels about me anymore because he don't tell me. Will I ever get my husband back into me?

Submitted May 29, 2019 at 07:45AM

This is going to be very long but worth it. I (33f) am completely addicted to my (34m) husband! We started off years ago crazy about each other but in the past fifteen years we both have did a lot of things wrong to each other. He cheated on me on and off for the first thirteen years, mostly with his ex and would cut off all contact with me until he decided to come back to me while the whole time I literally begged him to come home and love me like I loved him and as bad as it hurt I always wanted to be with him and he always came home. The last time he left me for his ex three years ago I cheated too. We both forgave each other because we still wanted to be together. Two years ago he went to jail and at that point I was done trying and ready for a divorce. Within the three months he was locked up I did the biggest whore thing to do and ended up having a short affair with his best friend which was the worse mistake of my life and also caught a std that I didn't know about and eventually passed it to my husband. The first day he got out and I seen his face, heard his voice and felt his touch all them same butterflies came back just like when we first started dating and I knew I wanted my husband back. He was devastated and very hurt about me and the best friend and I completely understand where he is coming from because I have felt the same hurt from him. I deeply regret what I did and who it was with, I truly believe he will never actually fully forgive me. I feel into server depression and and been battling it every since, I have not been a easy person to be around let alone love. For a while my husband was so into me, he called me gorgeous like it was my name, he loved to touch my body, he would send me the good text that make you smile until it hurts, he made it very clear that he was so in love with me but eventually it all stopped because he said it didn't make me happy when actually he was the only person I was happy with but unfortunately I felt really horrible about myself, i wasn't happy with my life or the choices I have made and sometimes I was mean to him which he didn't deserve. It's been a hell of a battle with my mental health for a very long time but my medicine is working better now and I'm trying everyday to be a better person and stay positive. Here's the problem I'm having, I am head over heels in love with my husband and I let him know every chance I get because I want to build him up, tell him how attracted I am to him, make him feel so loved by me and him to know I will be his team mate for the rest of our lives but I don't get anything like that from him anymore and after talking about it many times I know now he must not have the same feelings for me anymore because if he still did that stuff would come so naturally and i know my depression caused him to loose it. Don't get me wrong though he does love me a lot but I just feel mostly like a best friend now. He holds my hand while he drives, he tells me he misses me when I'm at work, he does stuff for me and he spends all his time with me which I do appreciate very much but Ive been so sad and cry at night because I want him to be crazy about me again. Am I being dramatic? The way I feel about my husband is unexplainable, I feel like i really am addicted to him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I really don't even know how he feels about me anymore because he don't tell me. Will I ever get my husband back into me?