The “Perfect” Guy Gone Wrong: A Terrifyingly Bizarre and Hilarious Tale of My Modern Dating Experience

This is kind of a PSA/vent, all tied into a story. I’m 29 and new to dating as I was married for most of my 20s. I’m embarrassed that I had to learn the lesson of spotting blatantly red flags so late in life and in such an idiotic way, but hopefully this somewhat hilarious/scary epic helps someone, or at the very least, entertains you. Don’t be dumb like me.

Let the tale begin...

I’ve been dating a bit so for the last month I’ve been talking to someone from Tinder who we’ll call smooth operator. This isn’t about him but he’ll come up again later on. I like him, we get along great, he takes me out. I was bummed at first that he doesn’t text asking a million personal questions about myself and that he works at sea for like 12 days at a time. After this I now realize this isn’t a huge deal and that it’s probably a good thing that it’s moving very slowly.

Three weeks ago, I started talking to someone else from Tinder who we’ll call Squilliam. I was absolutely smitten right away: he was so sweet, super attractive, asked me so much stuff about myself and my family, couldn’t wait to meet me, likes gardening, has a dad bod, said all the right things, good cook, etc. Too good to be true...

When we started talking I just began what was essentially a two week vacation to 2 different states with a very short break home in between, but long enough to finally meet Squilliam. So I get back from Trip 1 and we hang out both nights at his place...yes, a first “date” at someone’s place drinking beer and talking. No tv, no hockey. I’m not picky but this just seems odd for a first and second date. Regardless, both times were great and he took me to the airport for my second trip.

In the middle of trip #2 he starts pulling away and says that me “being selfish and disappearing” on vacation twice has made it difficult to maintain feelings while getting to know me after just meeting him...two trips I planned months ago. Cool cool cool.

I get home and he’s like, “Let’s try it out again and see if we can get the spark going.” So I go to his place directly after the airport and we have a great night...drinks and lots of great long talks, everything is back to normal. He explains his behavior was because he was worried that I was hooking up with other guys while away and that it would crush him. He then admits that he met a girl about a week before he met me that he slept with while I was away but he was “falling for me ever since we met” and I “ruined” things with him for the other girl because he just constantly thought of me. He apologized profusely but I said I understood because we’re not in a relationship and I’m also seeing someone else. He broke things off with other girl (supposedly) and I wasn’t that annoyed since he was so open about it.

After we finish fucking, he decides to tell me that he chooses me, wants to be with me and would love to have kids with me in the future, that they’d be beautiful. What the actual fuck. I chalked it up to him saying dumb/embarrassing shit when tipsy and horny in the heat of the moment because I’ve honestly done it myself.

Next day I go over for the worst date but, unfortunately, not the last. Everything seemed fine but he was in a lot of pain from an injury...straight up mad bong rips and drinking heavily when I got there. Yikes. We get on some fucking heavy topics (80th mistake of mine: allowing such heavy topics 4 dates in) - how he was convicted for something minor (which did surprise me a bit) and some scummy things he’s done (stealing, bar fights, drunk driving, etc) he also said he refused to drive with women because they’re “too erratic.” I voiced concern over a few of these things, especially the drunk driving and the fact he refuses to get into a car driven by a woman. Said he’d never get in my car with me and calls me a goody-two-shoes. Alright.

And then? Brings up money and debt (wtf) and I figure “Hmm, I guess I want to be honest” so I talk about my debt. His demeanor changes entirely...he gets SO irritated and says he can’t be with someone that’s been so irresponsible in their life. I explained I was paying it down until he asks to see fucking bank records! I tell him “no, maybe if we get more serious but not now.”

He gets livid and starts going off on me about responsibility, telling me how stupid it is so I got upset and I tell him I want to go home, but he tells me he’ll call the cops because I had drinks and that I cannot leave. I end up crying in his bathroom, he tells me I’m drunk and just being over-emotional. He then apologizes profusely and everything cools down but I start realizing this probably isn’t normal and I shouldn’t be crying in a new flame’s bathroom, but I kept making excuses: “maybe it’s because he’s in pain”, “maybe he’s right that I’m just hormonal and drunk crying” Like an idiot, I stayed.

For the final date the next day and now feeling a bit more off about all of this, we decide to introduce our dogs (something he wanted since the beginning but I refused since my dog is aggressive with dogs and it takes a ton of work) and he asks me to bring weed. After meeting my dog, we walk the two dogs together for a while and it looks super promising so we slowly let them greet and sniff. Mind you these are two female dogs that are head bitches, so one little flinch and all hell broke loose. Both dogs latched onto each other, screaming/yelping and growling. We separate the dogs and he FREAKS out and says, “what the fuck is wrong with you and your animal?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

So I obviously left but realized my hand was a mangled bleeding mess when I got into my car. I texted him to apologize and make sure both dogs were fine. He essentially tells me the dog is fine, he doesn’t care and just wants me to bring the weed. Literally says, “if you don’t come back right now and i have to buy my own weed then never come around again.”

Fuck that. I say,“I’m glad weed is what I’m good for. I’m not dropping it off. I don’t think I want to hangout as I’m too stressed from this” so he responds with: “That wasn’t even traumatic. Traumatic would’ve been me smashing your dog into the ground until it stopped moving but I didn’t.”

I’m in absolute shock at this point and had already texted smooth operator to ask him to go out to relax and wind down with a drink. Blood dripping from my hands all over my car and my legs, what a sight to see.

He texts again an hour later and says “I guess you’re not coming back.” So I explained “I’m not comfortable with someone speaking to me in such a controlling way and no, I’m not coming back.” So he literally replies, “fine I’m blocking you. You picked the wrong day to fuck with me.” And that was that.

I had a lovely night otherwise, smooth operator and myself went out for drinks at a few places and had dinner and talked. Came back and watched movies at my place.

TL;DR: good looking “perfect” dude that I was over the moon for ends up being controlling and scary by date 4. Wants my babies. Our dogs fight. He demands I bring him weed. Blocks me when he doesn’t get his way.

It’s easier said than done, but I now know you should never have to make excuses or justify terrible behavior. Smash those rose-tinted glasses. Maybe don’t go on dates at people’s houses right away. Or cry in their bathrooms. Don’t stick around if you’re uncomfortable, no matter how much you think you like them. Punch a dick or tits if you need to and run for the fucking hills

Submitted May 24, 2019 at 06:00AM

This is kind of a PSA/vent, all tied into a story. I’m 29 and new to dating as I was married for most of my 20s. I’m embarrassed that I had to learn the lesson of spotting blatantly red flags so late in life and in such an idiotic way, but hopefully this somewhat hilarious/scary epic helps someone, or at the very least, entertains you. Don’t be dumb like me.Let the tale begin...I’ve been dating a bit so for the last month I’ve been talking to someone from Tinder who we’ll call smooth operator. This isn’t about him but he’ll come up again later on. I like him, we get along great, he takes me out. I was bummed at first that he doesn’t text asking a million personal questions about myself and that he works at sea for like 12 days at a time. After this I now realize this isn’t a huge deal and that it’s probably a good thing that it’s moving very slowly.Three weeks ago, I started talking to someone else from Tinder who we’ll call Squilliam. I was absolutely smitten right away: he was so sweet, super attractive, asked me so much stuff about myself and my family, couldn’t wait to meet me, likes gardening, has a dad bod, said all the right things, good cook, etc. Too good to be true...When we started talking I just began what was essentially a two week vacation to 2 different states with a very short break home in between, but long enough to finally meet Squilliam. So I get back from Trip 1 and we hang out both nights at his place...yes, a first “date” at someone’s place drinking beer and talking. No tv, no hockey. I’m not picky but this just seems odd for a first and second date. Regardless, both times were great and he took me to the airport for my second trip.In the middle of trip #2 he starts pulling away and says that me “being selfish and disappearing” on vacation twice has made it difficult to maintain feelings while getting to know me after just meeting him...two trips I planned months ago. Cool cool cool.I get home and he’s like, “Let’s try it out again and see if we can get the spark going.” So I go to his place directly after the airport and we have a great night...drinks and lots of great long talks, everything is back to normal. He explains his behavior was because he was worried that I was hooking up with other guys while away and that it would crush him. He then admits that he met a girl about a week before he met me that he slept with while I was away but he was “falling for me ever since we met” and I “ruined” things with him for the other girl because he just constantly thought of me. He apologized profusely but I said I understood because we’re not in a relationship and I’m also seeing someone else. He broke things off with other girl (supposedly) and I wasn’t that annoyed since he was so open about it.After we finish fucking, he decides to tell me that he chooses me, wants to be with me and would love to have kids with me in the future, that they’d be beautiful. What the actual fuck. I chalked it up to him saying dumb/embarrassing shit when tipsy and horny in the heat of the moment because I’ve honestly done it myself.Next day I go over for the worst date but, unfortunately, not the last. Everything seemed fine but he was in a lot of pain from an injury...straight up mad bong rips and drinking heavily when I got there. Yikes. We get on some fucking heavy topics (80th mistake of mine: allowing such heavy topics 4 dates in) - how he was convicted for something minor (which did surprise me a bit) and some scummy things he’s done (stealing, bar fights, drunk driving, etc) he also said he refused to drive with women because they’re “too erratic.” I voiced concern over a few of these things, especially the drunk driving and the fact he refuses to get into a car driven by a woman. Said he’d never get in my car with me and calls me a goody-two-shoes. Alright.And then? Brings up money and debt (wtf) and I figure “Hmm, I guess I want to be honest” so I talk about my debt. His demeanor changes entirely...he gets SO irritated and says he can’t be with someone that’s been so irresponsible in their life. I explained I was paying it down until he asks to see fucking bank records! I tell him “no, maybe if we get more serious but not now.”He gets livid and starts going off on me about responsibility, telling me how stupid it is so I got upset and I tell him I want to go home, but he tells me he’ll call the cops because I had drinks and that I cannot leave. I end up crying in his bathroom, he tells me I’m drunk and just being over-emotional. He then apologizes profusely and everything cools down but I start realizing this probably isn’t normal and I shouldn’t be crying in a new flame’s bathroom, but I kept making excuses: “maybe it’s because he’s in pain”, “maybe he’s right that I’m just hormonal and drunk crying” Like an idiot, I stayed.For the final date the next day and now feeling a bit more off about all of this, we decide to introduce our dogs (something he wanted since the beginning but I refused since my dog is aggressive with dogs and it takes a ton of work) and he asks me to bring weed. After meeting my dog, we walk the two dogs together for a while and it looks super promising so we slowly let them greet and sniff. Mind you these are two female dogs that are head bitches, so one little flinch and all hell broke loose. Both dogs latched onto each other, screaming/yelping and growling. We separate the dogs and he FREAKS out and says, “what the fuck is wrong with you and your animal?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”So I obviously left but realized my hand was a mangled bleeding mess when I got into my car. I texted him to apologize and make sure both dogs were fine. He essentially tells me the dog is fine, he doesn’t care and just wants me to bring the weed. Literally says, “if you don’t come back right now and i have to buy my own weed then never come around again.”Fuck that. I say,“I’m glad weed is what I’m good for. I’m not dropping it off. I don’t think I want to hangout as I’m too stressed from this” so he responds with: “That wasn’t even traumatic. Traumatic would’ve been me smashing your dog into the ground until it stopped moving but I didn’t.”I’m in absolute shock at this point and had already texted smooth operator to ask him to go out to relax and wind down with a drink. Blood dripping from my hands all over my car and my legs, what a sight to see.He texts again an hour later and says “I guess you’re not coming back.” So I explained “I’m not comfortable with someone speaking to me in such a controlling way and no, I’m not coming back.” So he literally replies, “fine I’m blocking you. You picked the wrong day to fuck with me.” And that was that.I had a lovely night otherwise, smooth operator and myself went out for drinks at a few places and had dinner and talked. Came back and watched movies at my place.TL;DR: good looking “perfect” dude that I was over the moon for ends up being controlling and scary by date 4. Wants my babies. Our dogs fight. He demands I bring him weed. Blocks me when he doesn’t get his way.It’s easier said than done, but I now know you should never have to make excuses or justify terrible behavior. Smash those rose-tinted glasses. Maybe don’t go on dates at people’s houses right away. Or cry in their bathrooms. Don’t stick around if you’re uncomfortable, no matter how much you think you like them. Punch a dick or tits if you need to and run for the fucking hills