Is it Autism? My Depression is Worsening:

Hello World,

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This is my first time talking about my marriage publicly and seeking advice to help our marriage.

Let me first say that I am not complaining anywhere through the writing in this post, neither am I blaming my husband for anything; the issues presented are genuinely beyond his control I think. I am only seeking advice and help because it is needed. I love my husband and he is very sweet, but there are many things making it difficult for us to walk together and causing me much stress, anxiety, fear, and depression that I will list below.

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This post is long, but the length is for detailed context to get accurate advice.

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I will divide this post into 2 parts.The first part will be a list of bullet points that show my husband's traits in everyday life that I've been documenting overtime for the purpose of gaining a global perspective into the problems.The second part of this post will explain the background of our marriage, how we met, why I married him, what I saw and didn't see before we married, our mindsets and goals before marriage, along with explaining our life after marriage.

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We've been married for about 1 year now. I am 26 and my husband is 30.

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Part 1 - His Traits:

Positive Traits that Made me Fall in Love with Him:

1. He appreciates correction. He always wants to improve and he loves truth. He is open to correction.
2. He loves God, loves the word of God, and always wants to please God (we are non-denominational Christians).
3. He is good morally speaking
4. He’s motivated
5. He is self-sacrificial, often to a flaw
6. He is patient with those he loves
7. He loves unconditionally
8. He is compassionate
9. He is faithful and loyal, often to a flaw
10. He is not arrogant
11. He always wants to please me, often to a flaw
12. He corrects his faults
13. He is a very hard worker and really wants to good provider. He is not lazy
14. He’s neat and clean and doesn't mind cleaning and doing dirty work
15. He always seeks to grow
16. He is very gentle and kind
17. He loves me like mad
18. He wants to be the best he can be, even though he has trouble reaching his goals.

Negative Traits that Showed up After Marriage that are Making our Lives Difficult:

The negative traits list is more lengthy because I am giving more detail so that we can get accurate help. The length not a reflection of how I view him on a daily basis, as if my focus is unbalanced more on his flaws than his positive traits:

1. He is generally aloof mentally, intellectually, and is often at a loss for what to do in everyday situations.
2. Yesterday, he told me he has to wake up every morning and work really hard to kick start his brain and remember that he has to go to work or remember how to love me, or else his brain would be completely empty. He says that information fades away if he shifts his attentions and he can't remember anything after.
3. He has an inability to read in-between the lines.
4. Has extreme trouble seeing things from other perspectives than his own, even after working with him.
5. He did not know what "Asia" was when he was in High School, neither did he know that "Asian people" existed... (We live in America).
6. He has very low self-awareness, doesn't have an identity for himself or know who he is.
7. Focuses on small details rather than the big picture. Doesn’t know when to how to apply balance and when to consider the big picture vs. the small details in life. He has extreme difficulty understanding what the main point is of a subject.
8. We all forget things, and sometimes people forget their anniversary or other things, but my husband forgets more than the average guy. He forgets conversations we had 5 minutes after we had them. He cannot remember his childhood or teen years. He does not remember his teachers in high school. He can't remember what his parents were like to him growing up except that he was neglected. He has no memory of his childhood. He forgets conversations we've had when we first got married. He forgets important life things I communicate to him regularly. He forgets things we've studied or read together even after he spends hours studying on his own. He forgets birthdays, holidays, dates, etc more than the average person.
9. Takes things very literally. Has difficulty understanding the point of a joke, slang, metaphor, and everyday idioms, often taking idioms literally.
10. Difficulty staying on topic and staying focused, even after he has been helped in how to organize his thoughts on a daily basis.
11. Has neither street smarts nor book smarts. He lacks street smarts meaning he does not understand people groups and their sensitivities and struggles. He doesn't understand any culture, including American, neither does he understand, pop culture, slang, etc. He didn't know who Michael Jackson was before I met him, or any other popular cultural references. He had no understanding of the entertainment industry and popular music when I dated him, which is important when understanding people. Street smarts are skills acquired through social experiences outside of family and school. He has difficulty understanding different cultural nuances, knowing how to blend in with different types of people, knowing who you can trust, which areas in town are good and which are bad, and why; knowing how to fight and fend off attackers. He has very little discernment and “BS-detection.” Before I met him, he didn't know how to identify signs of manipulation and control. He didn't know when people were trying to screw him over.
12. He doesn't know how to read the deeper intentions of people and only focuses on their surface actions.
13. Has difficulty understanding what it is like to be someone else (culture talks, dishes situation).
14. He has trouble multitasking more than the average person, meaning he cannot divide his attention easily and switch back to a main task. He has to do 1 thing at a time and only 1. If there is an interruption, he has a hard time getting back into what he was doing easily and remembering what he was doing before there was an interruption. My husband loves to cook and has been cooking for a few years. I asked him for example if he were able to cook with different foods cooking at once, and he said yes because he had a timer for each food. I asked him if he could do it without the timer, and he said no, and that foods would get burned if he did this by his "inner clock" by intuition and experience. His "inner clock" seems to not exist.
15. He doesn’t hear me when I’m talking to him, neither does he remember what I or people say when he tries to listen and takes notes. It's not that he doesn't care about me or I'm saying, he just can't listen and comprehend information at the same time. It goes back to the inability to multitask in his brain.
16. He doesn't lead himself in anything and I have to initiate almost everything for him, including scheduling his appointments and reminding him of deadlines. This lack of initiation on his part also translates into romance and intimacy.
17. He has trouble understanding the nature of context when reading books or reading real life situations.
18. He thinks in 2 extremes and doesn't understand how to get balance in life. It is difficult for him to obtain wisdom more than the "average" person.
19. He does not understand the concept of priority. He does not know what is high or low priority at work or in life.
20. Has a hard time being improvisational, creative, and pretending.
21. We are complete polar opposites in terms of intelligence levels which we've been tested in our intelligence after we married. My IQ is high, his is exceptionally low. He thinks linearly and has a one-dimensional mind. I think in multiple dimensions.
22. He has difficulties in interpreting subtle communication skills (at first when we were dating, it made me think he was being selfish and uncaring but he wasn't when I got to know him).
23. If I am hurting and crying, he just kind of sits there unsure what to do. If he saw me hurting, he just ignored me instead of asking if I needed anything, etc. This really hurts me. I know that he loves me, but but at first when we were dating he said he loved me but would do things that do not show love or care, but I know that he just didn't know what to say or do. Before we married, his mother told me that he was "excellent" at consoling people and consoled her when her husband left her. However, I see more clearly that this "consoling" was just hugging and being there in silence and not encouraging verbally or offering assistance, solutions, help, or advice. I did a lot of research about these behaviors and learned there was a difference between Narcissism vs. Asperger's. I truly believe he has Asperger's and we will be getting tested soon.
24. Our marriage has no emotional Give-Take. Since the beginning of our marriage, I am doing most of the work when it comes to emotional strengthening and initiating conversations, encouraging, and communicating, and it is exhausting. My husband is aloof when it comes to strengthening others emotionally and initiating.
25. He constantly makes incorrect assumptions. When these assumptions are brought to his attention, he does not understand them even after I or other people explain them to him.
26. He doesn’t understand the nature of social energy. For example, if I am hanging out with my friends and we are casually laughing among ourselves with low-medium energy, he will come in and interpret that laughing as a good thing and he will be over the top in trying to be funny and energetic, which comes across as very awkward and annoying for them and he understands that it it is awkward, too. As the kids say, "there is no chill." I've tried talking to him about this, but he just doesn't comprehend balance and where that balance is, even when examples are given. I really want to help him understand social energy levels.
27. He is not critical of how he thinks, neither does he have a skeleton for what is acceptable and right and how to check himself within his mind (a reference point for the world). He was sheltered and he said he never thought about anything as a kid so I figure this can be due to lack of experience in life. I tutor and mentor him to help him to gain knowledge of these things at his own very slow pace, and I lead him in doing social activities while being aware of his own pace, but still has difficultly grasping basic concepts. and how he behaves because he doesn’t have the dots to connect the bigger picture to be accountable to what is true. He has a hard time understanding basic elementary things (e.g. dying to self and taking up cross vs. having good self-awareness).
28. Difficulty effectively engaging and communicating with children and seeing things from their perspective.

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Part 2 - Before And After Our Marriage:

Our husband and I married about 1 year ago after he messaged me online after he saw that I viewed his profile and he said he liked me and found me mature, intelligent, attractive, and that my life was put together for my age compared to any other girl he has ever met. He wanted to jump into dating, but I told him that I needed to get to know him first and that I don't make decisions off of emotions. I didn't like dating online, but I had a few friends who met their spouses online and everything turned out quite well for them and their children, so I did.

He lived 4 hours away from me in a different state. He recently moved out of his mother's house and had an apartment. He would come to visit me often over the course of a year in person.

I spent months asking him many questions about his life background, short-term and long-term goals, health, faith doctrines, morals, politics, his views on government, if he's a hard worker, our roles in marriage between husband and wife, struggles, if he had any addictions, diets, insecurities, weaknesses, living conditions, finances, his view of debt, how to raise children, how to discipline children, personality, expectations, trust, how he views challenges, etc. I quizzed him daily on how important trust, sacrifice, understanding, and communication and in marriage and gave him scenarios to see what he would do and he passed them on a basic level.I made sure I was very careful about not getting into a relationship with the wrong person. I even did background checks on him to see if he was telling the truth. I understood that marriage was not a game and is a lifetime commitment and I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone who would make our life difficult, or worse, difficult for our children.I searched daily for any inconsistencies with his answers and if there were any, I gently confronted him about why he was inconsistent with his responses overtime when I intentionally re-asked him questions or rephrased them. He always clarified his inconsistencies in a way that showed he either misspoke or had a different way of getting to the answer logically. His answers were awkward, but acceptable morally as he wasn't trying to be deceptive.He fell in love with me the more I talked to him and he said he was impressed that I was so thorough and that he's never been in a relationship with someone so serious about love and commitment. I kept a checklist of all of the important things I needed to ask him through research and talking with older couples who had successful marriage. I communicated to him clearly my expectations in marriage as a husband and wife which are based on a Biblical worldview for us to be equal but have different roles, for him to lead spiritually as the head of the home, emotionally, etc. and for me to be his help-meet to help him lead and support in his role. He agreed and said that this was his view as well and that he was confident he could be the man I needed him to be to lead his household and to be the man for our children if we had any.

There were causes for concern before marriage when it came to his lack of discernment with context, his sheltered perspective, and his slight social awkwardness and overly quiet temperament (we are both introverts and he is more silent than I am and rarely talked).

Our families are complete opposites**.**

My husband's family is broken and he was neglected growing up. His parents rarely interacted with him. He said he went through life not thinking about anything at all and his mind was always blank. He grew up in a trailer where he said his family spent money regularly on cigarettes and beer. He remembers 2 things in his childhood, and this that his mom used to scream at him when he wouldn't get his spelling words correct while she was trying to teach him. He also remembers his father abusing his mother. My husband has no good father figure and he was abusive, and his mother is in her 4th marriage and is now living with a man who is currently married. His youngest brother is going to jail for dating an under-aged girl, and his mother forced his middle brother to marry a girl he hates in high school because he'd gotten her pregnant outside of wedlock.

My family is well, nearly perfect... I hate comparing my life to his because I feel bad for him, be we both aspire to give any future children we have a great life. My parents are married 35 years now and madly in love, and they taught me great things throughout life, and I had an excellent and joyful childhood. We were all very loving, fun, wise, and forgiving. We weren't rich, but we were humble and managed our money wisely and gave generously. I excelled in school thanks to my loving father who is a professor, and I became Valedictorian and became a state recognized leader working with government officials. I'm sure you get the idea.I'm not bragging in explaining these things, I'm simply showing the contrast in our backgrounds. These things were known to me before we married, but I figured that everyone can improve and that where we come from does not have to dictate our destiny. My husband showed the drive and motivation to improve, too!

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I asked my father about this (my father is a wise, careful, and excellent parent and a man I trust) and my father said that he is a good guy, that we are young and that he will grow overtime and not to worry about it and told me to simply teach him how to think. I gently corrected my boyfriend at the time to help him to see the flaws in his logic and reasoning.

After walking being friends with him for about 6 months, he began to see how bad his thinking, his logic and reasoning were and how it got him into trouble often in his personal life. He really wanted to get better and grow, and he looked to me to give him life wisdom, so I obliged based on the instruction of my father. My husband is very sweet, caring, humble, and is a good man and he always wants to learn. This is what attracted me to him.

At the time we were dating, I did not know that my husband had such a hard time learning and applying certain things in real life before we married. These problems I pointed out to him about these issues before we married, he assured, that he would get better and that he would do everything in his power to improve and get better. I figured at the time that he wouldn't have any issues improving because he was a hard worker. I had no idea at the time we dated that he had some sort of learning disability that would prevent him from improving it seems now that I see today in our marriage. I loved his confidence and passion to improve, so I believed him. Today, in our marriage, he said he looks back on these things when I bring them out to him and he said that he spoke without understanding because he didn't have the self-awareness to know that he's never studied or learned anything on his own for the most part in his life. He didn't know he had difficulties learning back then.

I wound up putting together the entire wedding because he didn't know what to do, even though I tried encouraging him and explaining the wedding process. This was the first red flag was that he couldn't research and study things and apply information he learned. I told him during the process that I had no idea how to plan a wedding either but I learned how immediately and people said the wedding turned out amazing. I gave him my websites and references to help him learn as well to help me put together the wedding, but he didn't know where to start. I told him to start with learning the order of the ceremony and sent him videos and articles, but he couldn't grasp it. I took this concern to my dad, and my dad said again that it was just a learning curve. I asked my dad shouldn't a 30 year old man know how to research and apply information and my dad assured me that everyone was at different stages in life and it's not good to compare ourselves with others. I trusted my father's advice and put this aside, and hired pre-marital counselors to get a second opinion.

We went through 6 months of pre-marital counseling, and the counselors I hired were experienced doctors that shared our Christian values and they approved our marriage, saying that we were a rare couple who were on top of things, and that they were proud of us to have everything in order.

I was not happy with marrying him still because my intuition was bothering me to no end. I kept seeking advice and even paid more money for a personal counselor for me before we married, but she assured me that it would be fine because he has such a good spirit and wants to improve.

I was physically sick before our wedding day because of stress and I didn't want to go through with it, but everyone was saying that I just had the "jitters." But it wasn't "jitters;" I didn't have any inner peace.I loved my husband and laid aside my emotions and figured we could get through this with hard work, because marriage IS hard work. I weighed the pros and cons and held on to his promise that he would work on improving. I am a mentor and I've worked with lots of people whose lives improve after they receive the right information and counsel. I figured my husband was no exception to these people I've helped. I've never been married, but I sought as much wisdom as I had at my fingertips and researched a lot, and my husband's attitude towards improving was the thing that set him apart and always gave me confidence that this would work.Besides, I'd never met or dated a man so honest, loving, sacrificial, and hard working as him before.

The knot was tied after this.

After Marriage:I immediately moved in to his house and left my family, job, and friends behind after we got married and had our honeymoon. I moved from the city to a rural country area near the middle of no where. I've lived in the country over the summer during college and didn't mind it, so I thought it wouldn't be different. I later realized that the difference was that I had friends in the country.

The second week of being 'home' and married was when I began noticing new odd behaviors.

Every time I would do something, husband would to stand behind me and stare at what I was doing in complete silence with his arms crossed. This was a super awkward; it annoyed me and made me really uncomfortable.

I asked him gently to stop and explained to him how it made me feel. At first he argued with me that I couldn't possibly feel that way because he wasn't doing anything wrong but standing there and he implied that I was overreacting. At first, I thought he was gas-lighting me, but I gave him grace and considered that maybe he really doesn't understand at his age. I had to spend 3 hours explaining to him why his presence was too dominant and how that comes across to people normally. I had to spend hours explaining because he wasn't getting this basic concept so I had to give him examples in real life and help break down social psychology for him and help him to see things from the perspective of another which I began to see in a new light that he had serious issues with. He was able to see this overtime and he has become more aware of it, though not perfect.

I asked him to consider where he got that habit from, and he said that his mother used to stand over them like a hawk when they were kids. I told him that I am a responsible adult and would prefer that he treated me as his equal and not feel the need to always watch over me. He understood this and has gotten slightly better and said that it wasn't his intention to be domineering. I understood, forgave him and we moved on.

Now. We spend lots of time together (entire days on the weekends and I have never had a weekend to myself, otherwise he would feel bad), so I make sure that he is getting the attention and affection he always needs and wants.

Now, every-time I am doing something he wants to do it, too... Similar behavior to how a young child mimics others, and creatively wants something or does something simply because they see it.

For example: If I'm relaxing and playing a new video game online, he notices what I'm doing immediately wants to play it with me so we can spend "quality time." He feels like if I'm doing something new or cool, that he has to join me or else we aren't close. This is an example of him taking things to 2 extremes in his mind.

I bought a gaming computer with my money I saved up and he immediately wanted a gaming computer too. He already has one, but it is broken. He got himself into debt and we agreed it was best for him to pay the debt off before buying more luxuries. He said he wants to work hard to pay off his debt before buying things, which I respect highly. He then feels bad when he doesn't have a gaming computer to play with me.His pleas distract me from my hobby and I ask him if he wants to play on my computer and he says no, but that he just wants to play a game WITH me. Earlier that day, we spent 5 hours playing another game together, and now I wanted alone time. Sometimes I play games WITH him for 13 hours straight on the weekends so he won't feel left out. I carve out 5 hours of my time each day and devote it to him specifically because I want to have quality time with him, too.

I spend all day talking to him, mentoring him, doing recreational things with him, playing games with him, reading with him, going places with him, you name it, but I told him that sometimes I need space, and he doesn't get it. He thinks that "space" means that we aren't a good couple.

• If I'm watching a movie, he immediately stops what he's doing and wants to watch something with me.
• If I'm playing piano, he immediately wants to come in and play with me (although he can't play any instruments).
• If I move slightly as if I'm about to get up, he will overreact and try to figure out what I want so he can do it (getting a glass of water, shifting blanket, etc.). At first I thought this was kind of sweet, but now it is just annoying.
• If I move slightly when we are sleeping, he will wake up to see if I need something. It is really annoying.
• If I'm studying, he will copy me and begin studying in the other room.
• If I'm playing drums in one room, he will start drumming on the kitchen table in the other room.
• If I'm watching a show, he will come from the other room and sit down and begin laughing at it over-reactively.
• If I'm reading a book, he wants to read with me.
• We've almost gotten into 3 car accidents because he kept looking at me while we were talking and trying to kiss me while he was driving.
• If I'm recording a music cover, he will immediately begin singing in the other room and doing music.
• If I'm spending time meditating outside, he wants to join me, too.
• He comments on all of my little habits and is too involved in every little thing I do, and it is very annoying. :(
• He only listens to the same music and playlists I listen to, and it bothers me.
• If I'm talking to my dad on the phone, he wants to join in on our conversation.

He is so caught up in me that he doesn't have a life of his own, and this both irritates and depresses me and I feel trapped and like I can't breathe.

Please understand, I give him lots of attention and I never complain to him about how I feel. I never "shoo" him away when he wants to spend more time with me. It's just the way that he constantly seeks attention and validation is really irritating, and I validate and praise him constantly but his confidence is still very low.I want to spend all the time I can with him. I told him this. Yet, it's not like he just joins me confidently in these things in a relaxed manner which I would totally prefer and love, neither is it a laid back, "Hey, I see you're doing something cool, so let's chill," but he joins me in a very needy, hyper energy, and overly passive mindset about these things which bugs me to no end.

I asked him if he ever feels like I don't love him or anything, and he says that he knows I love him regardless.

I asked him why he feels like he needs to try to please me all the time and do things, and he said it's just what he likes to do. I always tell him I appreciate his efforts and tell him that he is so sweet for looking out for me and that men usually don't do that, but I told him that there are certain things that I can do myself and that sometimes I want to spend time doing my own thing when he's here and that it's not that I don't love him, but that if he wants to join me, to try to not be so reactionary about it and that he needed to focus on himself and his life more. I explained to him further what this looked like, but he has trouble understanding.

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My husband doesn't have a personality of his own and when I met him he was mirroring my likes and dislikes so he didn't seem as bad, but he has always been a blank slate and didn't have any passions or interests of his own. This wasn't clear when he was dating because of potential autistic mirroring which made it difficult to see, but he was again very eager to "improve" (his words) before we married. So, because he is a blank slate, he now copies and "likes" everything I do.

He has been copying the way I speak, the music I like, the books I read, the philosophers I listen to, he repeats the quotes I give and things I say and call them his own (but he is unaware he is doing this because his memory is very bad). He likes the cultural movies I like which are different than his culture, and he even asked me the other day if he could be friends with my friends from college. I told him that's not how making friends works, and I've given him examples for how to be more social and make his own friends (he doesn't have any friends) who share his own interests, but he wants me to initiate everything for him which is exhausting for me.

I don't mind it when people copy me if it's done in a respectable manner because I understand that this is how humans learn, and they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but I don't want to be married to myself if you know what I mean, otherwise I would've remained single. We are attracted to people who have similar mindsets and interests as we, but differences are beautiful and offer powerful contributions in marriage. Marriage is about being equal partners, but equal doesn't mean becoming JUST like the person you're living with and doing whatever they do at every moment.I want him to find out who he is as an individual and contribute with his own background, interests, and creativity, but he has nothing to contribute that is his own that he has gained over his lifetime.

My husband can draw exceptionally well, and some of his art has been featured in high quality museums. This is his only 1 hobby. His art was also another thing that attracted me to him before we married because I thought that his amazing skill was a reflection of his intelligence, drive to learn, his intense focus, and discipline as a person who has studied much to master this skill. I, myself and an extremely focused and studious person and I saw his art as a reflection of something that we had in common. Later on after we married, he said that he's never had to study drawing and that it "just came" to him and that he didn't discipline or teach himself to do anything. This furthermore makes me believe that he is autistic.

I analyzed these strange control issues he has and I asked him yesterday that if we had kids, would he be jealous of our kids and he thought about it and said... Yes, and that he feels hurt when I hang out with my friends when we go to visit my hometown and he feels bad that they connect with me more deeply and freely and that he has trouble with this, but that he was working on not feeling that way because he knew it was wrong. This was concerning and alarming to me, but I always admire his mindset to improve. It makes me feel quite sad. He says he doesn't want to have kids now because he doesn't feel fit to be a father. I told him before we were married that I wanted to have kids within 5-7 years if all was well but now he is not sure anymore.

Furthermore, I cannot have deep or intellectual conversations with him because he doesn't remember or understand, but he wants to learn. When I try to tutor him, he rarely gets anything even after I explain concepts in different ways and through different people, books, techniques, etc. We are intellectually incompatible into extremes based on tests after we've gotten married, and it makes me quite sad that I can't talk to him about my passions.

He doesn't always understand the nature of things and I've noticed that he shows many signs of being on the autism spectrum, which he is aware of and others have also told him to my surprise, so we will get tested in hopes to make things flow better. He also told me that he used to ride the short bus when he was a kid for a short time where he was made fun of, and that his school put him on Ritalin but it made his life worse.He also told me he was in a special needs class but he didn't understand "why" he was in the group. His parents didn't tell him anything.**He later told me that he also had a concussion when he was a kid and his parents let him fall asleep and didn't take him to the hospital. He told me these things after we married.**I asked him why he didn't tell me these things before we married when I asked him what his background was, and he said he didn't remember.

I try to lead by example with hopes that perhaps he would catch on to see that I don't comment on his every move, that I am not always overly mindful of him, that I never watch over him, rarely joining him when he's doing an activity to himself, etc., but he isn't very conscientious by default so he doesn't pay attention.

Sometimes he replies when I tell him how his actions are making me feel, "What do you mean? I'm just trying to look out for you." I then have to spend hours sometimes explaining these concepts to him on a elementary scale and breaking down the social psychology in textbook format so he can get it, but he still doesn't understand. His reply is always, "Thanks, I have to think about that more." When I follow up with him sometime after he says "I have to think about that," he says he forgot or that it was too confusing for him to understand even though I had him write it down in 1, 2, 3, format.

He's been wanting me to mentor him, and I told him I didn't feel comfortable mentoring him as his wife, but no one else would, so I do out of love and hope that things will get better. I've been gently mentoring my husband to help him to be himself and find out who he is, to help him think more logically, to become less emotionally reactive, more rational, more self-aware, more conscientious, to see things from different perspectives, to consider both the bigger and smaller picture in life, and to be slower to make judgement, etc. I make sure that he is learning at his own pace and I make sure that he really wants to be mentored, and he really wants me to.

I make sure that my expectations for him are not too high, and currently, I'm just helping him to understand these relationship dynamics better and to help him discover himself, yet I don't think it is good to have any expectations at all, either.

He told me a few times that he wishes I were his mother. This comment made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Our relationship dynamic already feels like a parent-child relationship and it makes me very depressed that he also sees it like this but that he is content with it. I told him gently that I need him to be my husband and lead his family and not me doing the leading. He accepted and said he will keep trying...

I had him retake a personality test we took before we've gotten married and his personality changed to be my personality. This really bothers me because I know for a fact that my husband is not an INTJ at his core. He's just trying to be like me and is mirroring me terribly and he doesn't want to face that, and I feel suffocated. I've been encouraging him since day 1 to find his own interests, explore, and encourage him to be who God has created him to be, but he wants me to initiate this for him too, otherwise he is at a loss for where to begin.

I sit down regularly with him and communicate my feelings to him and explain the points mentioned in this post in a gentle, loving and professional manner, but he still doesn't understand often and often forgets constantly.

Recently, he's been getting really upset that he's been having trouble improving and when I work with him, he cries and says, "I'm trying so hard!" and he's been crying a lot, and I have to pick him up repeatedly, and this tires me out, so I try not to work too much anymore and let him be, yet I am still hurting constantly. I've stopped communicating these things to him (which is not good because communication is important in marriage) because of how bad it makes me feel when he starts crying when I share my feelings with him and because of how difficult and exhausting it is for me to explain basic things to him almost every-time we have a conversation.

I ask him if I'm doing anything in our marriage to make him uncomfortable, feel unloved, or less open, and he says no and that I'm really considerate and that no one has ever done for him what I'm doing for him in terms of helping him. I ask him if he would change anything about our marriage or if I could change anything in my interaction with him and he says everything is fine. I'm always asking him if he's okay and he says everything is fine but he just wishes he were better. He knows that I love him regardless of his struggles, but he says it hurts him that he can't be who he needs to be for me... This really breaks my heart.He told me he's been suicidal a few times after we've married and he said he was suicidal years before we married. He says he is no longer suicidal because I helped him to overcome his self-destructive thoughts. I live in constant fear of this and I don't trust his judgment. We will be seeking counseling soon.

We want this to be our first and only marriage, especially because of our faith, and we hate the idea of divorce, but it doesn't seem like there is much hope at the moment if he is trying and can't understand things and be there for me emotionally, as a man, and spiritually lead our family. I try to be really sensitive with him and try not to do anything wrong but only help him the way I would want someone to help me in this situation, which is also what he wants.

I love my husband and I will do everything in my power to help him get integrated into society and to help our marriage flourish. I try to look past these flaws daily in our marriage, but sometimes they are unavoidable and make life very difficult and stressful for me. We make a lot of sacrifices for one another which is the backbone for every successful marriage.

It breaks my heart to see my husband trying so hard but never reaching the goals we established together before our marriage to where it is necessary to maintain happiness, peace, understanding, and freedom between us. I can't imagine where this marriage will be 5 years from now.

​

So yeah. Marriage is hard, but my question is HOW hard is marriage supposed to be? I've never been depressed in my life, and it is getting increasing difficult for me to function and fight off the depression daily.

What advice would you have for us? Again, I will be getting therapy for us very soon.

Thank you for taking the time to read in advance.

- HW

Submitted May 23, 2019 at 10:14PM

Hello World,​This is my first time talking about my marriage publicly and seeking advice to help our marriage.Let me first say that I am not complaining anywhere through the writing in this post, neither am I blaming my husband for anything; the issues presented are genuinely beyond his control I think. I am only seeking advice and help because it is needed. I love my husband and he is very sweet, but there are many things making it difficult for us to walk together and causing me much stress, anxiety, fear, and depression that I will list below.​This post is long, but the length is for detailed context to get accurate advice.​I will divide this post into 2 parts.The first part will be a list of bullet points that show my husband's traits in everyday life that I've been documenting overtime for the purpose of gaining a global perspective into the problems.The second part of this post will explain the background of our marriage, how we met, why I married him, what I saw and didn't see before we married, our mindsets and goals before marriage, along with explaining our life after marriage.​We've been married for about 1 year now. I am 26 and my husband is 30.​Part 1 - His Traits:Positive Traits that Made me Fall in Love with Him:He appreciates correction. He always wants to improve and he loves truth. He is open to correction.He loves God, loves the word of God, and always wants to please God (we are non-denominational Christians).He is good morally speakingHe’s motivatedHe is self-sacrificial, often to a flawHe is patient with those he lovesHe loves unconditionallyHe is compassionateHe is faithful and loyal, often to a flawHe is not arrogantHe always wants to please me, often to a flawHe corrects his faultsHe is a very hard worker and really wants to good provider. He is not lazyHe’s neat and clean and doesn't mind cleaning and doing dirty workHe always seeks to growHe is very gentle and kindHe loves me like madHe wants to be the best he can be, even though he has trouble reaching his goals.Negative Traits that Showed up After Marriage that are Making our Lives Difficult:The negative traits list is more lengthy because I am giving more detail so that we can get accurate help. The length not a reflection of how I view him on a daily basis, as if my focus is unbalanced more on his flaws than his positive traits:He is generally aloof mentally, intellectually, and is often at a loss for what to do in everyday situations.Yesterday, he told me he has to wake up every morning and work really hard to kick start his brain and remember that he has to go to work or remember how to love me, or else his brain would be completely empty. He says that information fades away if he shifts his attentions and he can't remember anything after.He has an inability to read in-between the lines.Has extreme trouble seeing things from other perspectives than his own, even after working with him.He did not know what "Asia" was when he was in High School, neither did he know that "Asian people" existed... (We live in America).He has very low self-awareness, doesn't have an identity for himself or know who he is.Focuses on small details rather than the big picture. Doesn’t know when to how to apply balance and when to consider the big picture vs. the small details in life. He has extreme difficulty understanding what the main point is of a subject.We all forget things, and sometimes people forget their anniversary or other things, but my husband forgets more than the average guy. He forgets conversations we had 5 minutes after we had them. He cannot remember his childhood or teen years. He does not remember his teachers in high school. He can't remember what his parents were like to him growing up except that he was neglected. He has no memory of his childhood. He forgets conversations we've had when we first got married. He forgets important life things I communicate to him regularly. He forgets things we've studied or read together even after he spends hours studying on his own. He forgets birthdays, holidays, dates, etc more than the average person.Takes things very literally. Has difficulty understanding the point of a joke, slang, metaphor, and everyday idioms, often taking idioms literally.Difficulty staying on topic and staying focused, even after he has been helped in how to organize his thoughts on a daily basis.Has neither street smarts nor book smarts. He lacks street smarts meaning he does not understand people groups and their sensitivities and struggles. He doesn't understand any culture, including American, neither does he understand, pop culture, slang, etc. He didn't know who Michael Jackson was before I met him, or any other popular cultural references. He had no understanding of the entertainment industry and popular music when I dated him, which is important when understanding people. Street smarts are skills acquired through social experiences outside of family and school. He has difficulty understanding different cultural nuances, knowing how to blend in with different types of people, knowing who you can trust, which areas in town are good and which are bad, and why; knowing how to fight and fend off attackers. He has very little discernment and “BS-detection.” Before I met him, he didn't know how to identify signs of manipulation and control. He didn't know when people were trying to screw him over.He doesn't know how to read the deeper intentions of people and only focuses on their surface actions.Has difficulty understanding what it is like to be someone else (culture talks, dishes situation).He has trouble multitasking more than the average person, meaning he cannot divide his attention easily and switch back to a main task. He has to do 1 thing at a time and only 1. If there is an interruption, he has a hard time getting back into what he was doing easily and remembering what he was doing before there was an interruption. My husband loves to cook and has been cooking for a few years. I asked him for example if he were able to cook with different foods cooking at once, and he said yes because he had a timer for each food. I asked him if he could do it without the timer, and he said no, and that foods would get burned if he did this by his "inner clock" by intuition and experience. His "inner clock" seems to not exist.He doesn’t hear me when I’m talking to him, neither does he remember what I or people say when he tries to listen and takes notes. It's not that he doesn't care about me or I'm saying, he just can't listen and comprehend information at the same time. It goes back to the inability to multitask in his brain.He doesn't lead himself in anything and I have to initiate almost everything for him, including scheduling his appointments and reminding him of deadlines. This lack of initiation on his part also translates into romance and intimacy.He has trouble understanding the nature of context when reading books or reading real life situations.He thinks in 2 extremes and doesn't understand how to get balance in life. It is difficult for him to obtain wisdom more than the "average" person.He does not understand the concept of priority. He does not know what is high or low priority at work or in life.Has a hard time being improvisational, creative, and pretending.We are complete polar opposites in terms of intelligence levels which we've been tested in our intelligence after we married. My IQ is high, his is exceptionally low. He thinks linearly and has a one-dimensional mind. I think in multiple dimensions.He has difficulties in interpreting subtle communication skills (at first when we were dating, it made me think he was being selfish and uncaring but he wasn't when I got to know him).If I am hurting and crying, he just kind of sits there unsure what to do. If he saw me hurting, he just ignored me instead of asking if I needed anything, etc. This really hurts me. I know that he loves me, but but at first when we were dating he said he loved me but would do things that do not show love or care, but I know that he just didn't know what to say or do. Before we married, his mother told me that he was "excellent" at consoling people and consoled her when her husband left her. However, I see more clearly that this "consoling" was just hugging and being there in silence and not encouraging verbally or offering assistance, solutions, help, or advice. I did a lot of research about these behaviors and learned there was a difference between Narcissism vs. Asperger's. I truly believe he has Asperger's and we will be getting tested soon.Our marriage has no emotional Give-Take. Since the beginning of our marriage, I am doing most of the work when it comes to emotional strengthening and initiating conversations, encouraging, and communicating, and it is exhausting. My husband is aloof when it comes to strengthening others emotionally and initiating.He constantly makes incorrect assumptions. When these assumptions are brought to his attention, he does not understand them even after I or other people explain them to him.He doesn’t understand the nature of social energy. For example, if I am hanging out with my friends and we are casually laughing among ourselves with low-medium energy, he will come in and interpret that laughing as a good thing and he will be over the top in trying to be funny and energetic, which comes across as very awkward and annoying for them and he understands that it it is awkward, too. As the kids say, "there is no chill." I've tried talking to him about this, but he just doesn't comprehend balance and where that balance is, even when examples are given. I really want to help him understand social energy levels.He is not critical of how he thinks, neither does he have a skeleton for what is acceptable and right and how to check himself within his mind (a reference point for the world). He was sheltered and he said he never thought about anything as a kid so I figure this can be due to lack of experience in life. I tutor and mentor him to help him to gain knowledge of these things at his own very slow pace, and I lead him in doing social activities while being aware of his own pace, but still has difficultly grasping basic concepts. and how he behaves because he doesn’t have the dots to connect the bigger picture to be accountable to what is true. He has a hard time understanding basic elementary things (e.g. dying to self and taking up cross vs. having good self-awareness).Difficulty effectively engaging and communicating with children and seeing things from their perspective.​Part 2 - Before And After Our Marriage:Our husband and I married about 1 year ago after he messaged me online after he saw that I viewed his profile and he said he liked me and found me mature, intelligent, attractive, and that my life was put together for my age compared to any other girl he has ever met. He wanted to jump into dating, but I told him that I needed to get to know him first and that I don't make decisions off of emotions. I didn't like dating online, but I had a few friends who met their spouses online and everything turned out quite well for them and their children, so I did.He lived 4 hours away from me in a different state. He recently moved out of his mother's house and had an apartment. He would come to visit me often over the course of a year in person.I spent months asking him many questions about his life background, short-term and long-term goals, health, faith doctrines, morals, politics, his views on government, if he's a hard worker, our roles in marriage between husband and wife, struggles, if he had any addictions, diets, insecurities, weaknesses, living conditions, finances, his view of debt, how to raise children, how to discipline children, personality, expectations, trust, how he views challenges, etc. I quizzed him daily on how important trust, sacrifice, understanding, and communication and in marriage and gave him scenarios to see what he would do and he passed them on a basic level.I made sure I was very careful about not getting into a relationship with the wrong person. I even did background checks on him to see if he was telling the truth. I understood that marriage was not a game and is a lifetime commitment and I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone who would make our life difficult, or worse, difficult for our children.I searched daily for any inconsistencies with his answers and if there were any, I gently confronted him about why he was inconsistent with his responses overtime when I intentionally re-asked him questions or rephrased them. He always clarified his inconsistencies in a way that showed he either misspoke or had a different way of getting to the answer logically. His answers were awkward, but acceptable morally as he wasn't trying to be deceptive.He fell in love with me the more I talked to him and he said he was impressed that I was so thorough and that he's never been in a relationship with someone so serious about love and commitment. I kept a checklist of all of the important things I needed to ask him through research and talking with older couples who had successful marriage. I communicated to him clearly my expectations in marriage as a husband and wife which are based on a Biblical worldview for us to be equal but have different roles, for him to lead spiritually as the head of the home, emotionally, etc. and for me to be his help-meet to help him lead and support in his role. He agreed and said that this was his view as well and that he was confident he could be the man I needed him to be to lead his household and to be the man for our children if we had any.There were causes for concern before marriage when it came to his lack of discernment with context, his sheltered perspective, and his slight social awkwardness and overly quiet temperament (we are both introverts and he is more silent than I am and rarely talked).Our families are complete opposites**.**My husband's family is broken and he was neglected growing up. His parents rarely interacted with him. He said he went through life not thinking about anything at all and his mind was always blank. He grew up in a trailer where he said his family spent money regularly on cigarettes and beer. He remembers 2 things in his childhood, and this that his mom used to scream at him when he wouldn't get his spelling words correct while she was trying to teach him. He also remembers his father abusing his mother. My husband has no good father figure and he was abusive, and his mother is in her 4th marriage and is now living with a man who is currently married. His youngest brother is going to jail for dating an under-aged girl, and his mother forced his middle brother to marry a girl he hates in high school because he'd gotten her pregnant outside of wedlock.My family is well, nearly perfect... I hate comparing my life to his because I feel bad for him, be we both aspire to give any future children we have a great life. My parents are married 35 years now and madly in love, and they taught me great things throughout life, and I had an excellent and joyful childhood. We were all very loving, fun, wise, and forgiving. We weren't rich, but we were humble and managed our money wisely and gave generously. I excelled in school thanks to my loving father who is a professor, and I became Valedictorian and became a state recognized leader working with government officials. I'm sure you get the idea.I'm not bragging in explaining these things, I'm simply showing the contrast in our backgrounds. These things were known to me before we married, but I figured that everyone can improve and that where we come from does not have to dictate our destiny. My husband showed the drive and motivation to improve, too!​I asked my father about this (my father is a wise, careful, and excellent parent and a man I trust) and my father said that he is a good guy, that we are young and that he will grow overtime and not to worry about it and told me to simply teach him how to think. I gently corrected my boyfriend at the time to help him to see the flaws in his logic and reasoning.After walking being friends with him for about 6 months, he began to see how bad his thinking, his logic and reasoning were and how it got him into trouble often in his personal life. He really wanted to get better and grow, and he looked to me to give him life wisdom, so I obliged based on the instruction of my father. My husband is very sweet, caring, humble, and is a good man and he always wants to learn. This is what attracted me to him.At the time we were dating, I did not know that my husband had such a hard time learning and applying certain things in real life before we married. These problems I pointed out to him about these issues before we married, he assured, that he would get better and that he would do everything in his power to improve and get better. I figured at the time that he wouldn't have any issues improving because he was a hard worker. I had no idea at the time we dated that he had some sort of learning disability that would prevent him from improving it seems now that I see today in our marriage. I loved his confidence and passion to improve, so I believed him. Today, in our marriage, he said he looks back on these things when I bring them out to him and he said that he spoke without understanding because he didn't have the self-awareness to know that he's never studied or learned anything on his own for the most part in his life. He didn't know he had difficulties learning back then.I wound up putting together the entire wedding because he didn't know what to do, even though I tried encouraging him and explaining the wedding process. This was the first red flag was that he couldn't research and study things and apply information he learned. I told him during the process that I had no idea how to plan a wedding either but I learned how immediately and people said the wedding turned out amazing. I gave him my websites and references to help him learn as well to help me put together the wedding, but he didn't know where to start. I told him to start with learning the order of the ceremony and sent him videos and articles, but he couldn't grasp it. I took this concern to my dad, and my dad said again that it was just a learning curve. I asked my dad shouldn't a 30 year old man know how to research and apply information and my dad assured me that everyone was at different stages in life and it's not good to compare ourselves with others. I trusted my father's advice and put this aside, and hired pre-marital counselors to get a second opinion.We went through 6 months of pre-marital counseling, and the counselors I hired were experienced doctors that shared our Christian values and they approved our marriage, saying that we were a rare couple who were on top of things, and that they were proud of us to have everything in order.I was not happy with marrying him still because my intuition was bothering me to no end. I kept seeking advice and even paid more money for a personal counselor for me before we married, but she assured me that it would be fine because he has such a good spirit and wants to improve.I was physically sick before our wedding day because of stress and I didn't want to go through with it, but everyone was saying that I just had the "jitters." But it wasn't "jitters;" I didn't have any inner peace.I loved my husband and laid aside my emotions and figured we could get through this with hard work, because marriage IS hard work. I weighed the pros and cons and held on to his promise that he would work on improving. I am a mentor and I've worked with lots of people whose lives improve after they receive the right information and counsel. I figured my husband was no exception to these people I've helped. I've never been married, but I sought as much wisdom as I had at my fingertips and researched a lot, and my husband's attitude towards improving was the thing that set him apart and always gave me confidence that this would work.Besides, I'd never met or dated a man so honest, loving, sacrificial, and hard working as him before.The knot was tied after this.After Marriage:I immediately moved in to his house and left my family, job, and friends behind after we got married and had our honeymoon. I moved from the city to a rural country area near the middle of no where. I've lived in the country over the summer during college and didn't mind it, so I thought it wouldn't be different. I later realized that the difference was that I had friends in the country.The second week of being 'home' and married was when I began noticing new odd behaviors.Every time I would do something, husband would to stand behind me and stare at what I was doing in complete silence with his arms crossed. This was a super awkward; it annoyed me and made me really uncomfortable.I asked him gently to stop and explained to him how it made me feel. At first he argued with me that I couldn't possibly feel that way because he wasn't doing anything wrong but standing there and he implied that I was overreacting. At first, I thought he was gas-lighting me, but I gave him grace and considered that maybe he really doesn't understand at his age. I had to spend 3 hours explaining to him why his presence was too dominant and how that comes across to people normally. I had to spend hours explaining because he wasn't getting this basic concept so I had to give him examples in real life and help break down social psychology for him and help him to see things from the perspective of another which I began to see in a new light that he had serious issues with. He was able to see this overtime and he has become more aware of it, though not perfect.I asked him to consider where he got that habit from, and he said that his mother used to stand over them like a hawk when they were kids. I told him that I am a responsible adult and would prefer that he treated me as his equal and not feel the need to always watch over me. He understood this and has gotten slightly better and said that it wasn't his intention to be domineering. I understood, forgave him and we moved on.Now. We spend lots of time together (entire days on the weekends and I have never had a weekend to myself, otherwise he would feel bad), so I make sure that he is getting the attention and affection he always needs and wants.Now, every-time I am doing something he wants to do it, too... Similar behavior to how a young child mimics others, and creatively wants something or does something simply because they see it.For example: If I'm relaxing and playing a new video game online, he notices what I'm doing immediately wants to play it with me so we can spend "quality time." He feels like if I'm doing something new or cool, that he has to join me or else we aren't close. This is an example of him taking things to 2 extremes in his mind.I bought a gaming computer with my money I saved up and he immediately wanted a gaming computer too. He already has one, but it is broken. He got himself into debt and we agreed it was best for him to pay the debt off before buying more luxuries. He said he wants to work hard to pay off his debt before buying things, which I respect highly. He then feels bad when he doesn't have a gaming computer to play with me.His pleas distract me from my hobby and I ask him if he wants to play on my computer and he says no, but that he just wants to play a game WITH me. Earlier that day, we spent 5 hours playing another game together, and now I wanted alone time. Sometimes I play games WITH him for 13 hours straight on the weekends so he won't feel left out. I carve out 5 hours of my time each day and devote it to him specifically because I want to have quality time with him, too.I spend all day talking to him, mentoring him, doing recreational things with him, playing games with him, reading with him, going places with him, you name it, but I told him that sometimes I need space, and he doesn't get it. He thinks that "space" means that we aren't a good couple.If I'm watching a movie, he immediately stops what he's doing and wants to watch something with me.If I'm playing piano, he immediately wants to come in and play with me (although he can't play any instruments).If I move slightly as if I'm about to get up, he will overreact and try to figure out what I want so he can do it (getting a glass of water, shifting blanket, etc.). At first I thought this was kind of sweet, but now it is just annoying.If I move slightly when we are sleeping, he will wake up to see if I need something. It is really annoying.If I'm studying, he will copy me and begin studying in the other room.If I'm playing drums in one room, he will start drumming on the kitchen table in the other room.If I'm watching a show, he will come from the other room and sit down and begin laughing at it over-reactively.If I'm reading a book, he wants to read with me.We've almost gotten into 3 car accidents because he kept looking at me while we were talking and trying to kiss me while he was driving.If I'm recording a music cover, he will immediately begin singing in the other room and doing music.If I'm spending time meditating outside, he wants to join me, too.He comments on all of my little habits and is too involved in every little thing I do, and it is very annoying. :(He only listens to the same music and playlists I listen to, and it bothers me.If I'm talking to my dad on the phone, he wants to join in on our conversation.He is so caught up in me that he doesn't have a life of his own, and this both irritates and depresses me and I feel trapped and like I can't breathe.Please understand, I give him lots of attention and I never complain to him about how I feel. I never "shoo" him away when he wants to spend more time with me. It's just the way that he constantly seeks attention and validation is really irritating, and I validate and praise him constantly but his confidence is still very low.I want to spend all the time I can with him. I told him this. Yet, it's not like he just joins me confidently in these things in a relaxed manner which I would totally prefer and love, neither is it a laid back, "Hey, I see you're doing something cool, so let's chill," but he joins me in a very needy, hyper energy, and overly passive mindset about these things which bugs me to no end.I asked him if he ever feels like I don't love him or anything, and he says that he knows I love him regardless.I asked him why he feels like he needs to try to please me all the time and do things, and he said it's just what he likes to do. I always tell him I appreciate his efforts and tell him that he is so sweet for looking out for me and that men usually don't do that, but I told him that there are certain things that I can do myself and that sometimes I want to spend time doing my own thing when he's here and that it's not that I don't love him, but that if he wants to join me, to try to not be so reactionary about it and that he needed to focus on himself and his life more. I explained to him further what this looked like, but he has trouble understanding.​My husband doesn't have a personality of his own and when I met him he was mirroring my likes and dislikes so he didn't seem as bad, but he has always been a blank slate and didn't have any passions or interests of his own. This wasn't clear when he was dating because of potential autistic mirroring which made it difficult to see, but he was again very eager to "improve" (his words) before we married. So, because he is a blank slate, he now copies and "likes" everything I do.He has been copying the way I speak, the music I like, the books I read, the philosophers I listen to, he repeats the quotes I give and things I say and call them his own (but he is unaware he is doing this because his memory is very bad). He likes the cultural movies I like which are different than his culture, and he even asked me the other day if he could be friends with my friends from college. I told him that's not how making friends works, and I've given him examples for how to be more social and make his own friends (he doesn't have any friends) who share his own interests, but he wants me to initiate everything for him which is exhausting for me.I don't mind it when people copy me if it's done in a respectable manner because I understand that this is how humans learn, and they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but I don't want to be married to myself if you know what I mean, otherwise I would've remained single. We are attracted to people who have similar mindsets and interests as we, but differences are beautiful and offer powerful contributions in marriage. Marriage is about being equal partners, but equal doesn't mean becoming JUST like the person you're living with and doing whatever they do at every moment.I want him to find out who he is as an individual and contribute with his own background, interests, and creativity, but he has nothing to contribute that is his own that he has gained over his lifetime.My husband can draw exceptionally well, and some of his art has been featured in high quality museums. This is his only 1 hobby. His art was also another thing that attracted me to him before we married because I thought that his amazing skill was a reflection of his intelligence, drive to learn, his intense focus, and discipline as a person who has studied much to master this skill. I, myself and an extremely focused and studious person and I saw his art as a reflection of something that we had in common. Later on after we married, he said that he's never had to study drawing and that it "just came" to him and that he didn't discipline or teach himself to do anything. This furthermore makes me believe that he is autistic.I analyzed these strange control issues he has and I asked him yesterday that if we had kids, would he be jealous of our kids and he thought about it and said... Yes, and that he feels hurt when I hang out with my friends when we go to visit my hometown and he feels bad that they connect with me more deeply and freely and that he has trouble with this, but that he was working on not feeling that way because he knew it was wrong. This was concerning and alarming to me, but I always admire his mindset to improve. It makes me feel quite sad. He says he doesn't want to have kids now because he doesn't feel fit to be a father. I told him before we were married that I wanted to have kids within 5-7 years if all was well but now he is not sure anymore.Furthermore, I cannot have deep or intellectual conversations with him because he doesn't remember or understand, but he wants to learn. When I try to tutor him, he rarely gets anything even after I explain concepts in different ways and through different people, books, techniques, etc. We are intellectually incompatible into extremes based on tests after we've gotten married, and it makes me quite sad that I can't talk to him about my passions.He doesn't always understand the nature of things and I've noticed that he shows many signs of being on the autism spectrum, which he is aware of and others have also told him to my surprise, so we will get tested in hopes to make things flow better. He also told me that he used to ride the short bus when he was a kid for a short time where he was made fun of, and that his school put him on Ritalin but it made his life worse.He also told me he was in a special needs class but he didn't understand "why" he was in the group. His parents didn't tell him anything.**He later told me that he also had a concussion when he was a kid and his parents let him fall asleep and didn't take him to the hospital. He told me these things after we married.**I asked him why he didn't tell me these things before we married when I asked him what his background was, and he said he didn't remember.I try to lead by example with hopes that perhaps he would catch on to see that I don't comment on his every move, that I am not always overly mindful of him, that I never watch over him, rarely joining him when he's doing an activity to himself, etc., but he isn't very conscientious by default so he doesn't pay attention.Sometimes he replies when I tell him how his actions are making me feel, "What do you mean? I'm just trying to look out for you." I then have to spend hours sometimes explaining these concepts to him on a elementary scale and breaking down the social psychology in textbook format so he can get it, but he still doesn't understand. His reply is always, "Thanks, I have to think about that more." When I follow up with him sometime after he says "I have to think about that," he says he forgot or that it was too confusing for him to understand even though I had him write it down in 1, 2, 3, format.He's been wanting me to mentor him, and I told him I didn't feel comfortable mentoring him as his wife, but no one else would, so I do out of love and hope that things will get better. I've been gently mentoring my husband to help him to be himself and find out who he is, to help him think more logically, to become less emotionally reactive, more rational, more self-aware, more conscientious, to see things from different perspectives, to consider both the bigger and smaller picture in life, and to be slower to make judgement, etc. I make sure that he is learning at his own pace and I make sure that he really wants to be mentored, and he really wants me to.I make sure that my expectations for him are not too high, and currently, I'm just helping him to understand these relationship dynamics better and to help him discover himself, yet I don't think it is good to have any expectations at all, either.He told me a few times that he wishes I were his mother. This comment made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Our relationship dynamic already feels like a parent-child relationship and it makes me very depressed that he also sees it like this but that he is content with it. I told him gently that I need him to be my husband and lead his family and not me doing the leading. He accepted and said he will keep trying...I had him retake a personality test we took before we've gotten married and his personality changed to be my personality. This really bothers me because I know for a fact that my husband is not an INTJ at his core. He's just trying to be like me and is mirroring me terribly and he doesn't want to face that, and I feel suffocated. I've been encouraging him since day 1 to find his own interests, explore, and encourage him to be who God has created him to be, but he wants me to initiate this for him too, otherwise he is at a loss for where to begin.I sit down regularly with him and communicate my feelings to him and explain the points mentioned in this post in a gentle, loving and professional manner, but he still doesn't understand often and often forgets constantly.Recently, he's been getting really upset that he's been having trouble improving and when I work with him, he cries and says, "I'm trying so hard!" and he's been crying a lot, and I have to pick him up repeatedly, and this tires me out, so I try not to work too much anymore and let him be, yet I am still hurting constantly. I've stopped communicating these things to him (which is not good because communication is important in marriage) because of how bad it makes me feel when he starts crying when I share my feelings with him and because of how difficult and exhausting it is for me to explain basic things to him almost every-time we have a conversation.I ask him if I'm doing anything in our marriage to make him uncomfortable, feel unloved, or less open, and he says no and that I'm really considerate and that no one has ever done for him what I'm doing for him in terms of helping him. I ask him if he would change anything about our marriage or if I could change anything in my interaction with him and he says everything is fine. I'm always asking him if he's okay and he says everything is fine but he just wishes he were better. He knows that I love him regardless of his struggles, but he says it hurts him that he can't be who he needs to be for me... This really breaks my heart.He told me he's been suicidal a few times after we've married and he said he was suicidal years before we married. He says he is no longer suicidal because I helped him to overcome his self-destructive thoughts. I live in constant fear of this and I don't trust his judgment. We will be seeking counseling soon.We want this to be our first and only marriage, especially because of our faith, and we hate the idea of divorce, but it doesn't seem like there is much hope at the moment if he is trying and can't understand things and be there for me emotionally, as a man, and spiritually lead our family. I try to be really sensitive with him and try not to do anything wrong but only help him the way I would want someone to help me in this situation, which is also what he wants.I love my husband and I will do everything in my power to help him get integrated into society and to help our marriage flourish. I try to look past these flaws daily in our marriage, but sometimes they are unavoidable and make life very difficult and stressful for me. We make a lot of sacrifices for one another which is the backbone for every successful marriage.It breaks my heart to see my husband trying so hard but never reaching the goals we established together before our marriage to where it is necessary to maintain happiness, peace, understanding, and freedom between us. I can't imagine where this marriage will be 5 years from now.​So yeah. Marriage is hard, but my question is HOW hard is marriage supposed to be? I've never been depressed in my life, and it is getting increasing difficult for me to function and fight off the depression daily.What advice would you have for us? Again, I will be getting therapy for us very soon.Thank you for taking the time to read in advance.- HW