Loss of libido in marriage and conflicting advice

So pretty much since I had my kid nearly two years ago there has not been much activity in our marriage. I know it’s normal, between looking after a kid all day and lack of sleep, stress, blah blah blah, but it’s still not something we are happy about.

For me, aside from being dead tired at the end of the day and definitely not in the mood, I also just don’t want it. It feels like work, for me. I rarely ever orgasm when we do have sex, which means the reward system is pretty much non existent for me. He and I have talked about it, he says he gets excited right away and wants to get to it and basically like, assumes I am in the same mental headspace as he is as far as arousal goes.

Here is where my confusion is when it comes to the “advice” I am reading so far as articles from sex help websites and psychology websites and such.

They say you need to schedule sex, masturbate more, the act of sex will make you want more sex, basically just like go through the motions and it will just kinda right itself.

Then I read to not have sex unless I am aroused, to make sure I am in the mood otherwise the issue will never go away. Every time I am giving in and having basically ungratifying sex that I am reinforcing this lack of interest I have. Once I start having sex when I am in the mood and enjoying it and finishing, I will start wanting it because there is a reward there for me.

I find this very frustrating because it’s sort of a catch 22, isn’t it? I can’t get into it, so have sex to get into it, but if i am not into it, it reinforces me not being into it?

For background, I have always played the “pleaser” role in the relationship and I never used to care if I finished or not because I enjoyed it anyway and was full of hormones and 15 years younger and slept a full 7 hours every night. Now I am not so interested in the “pleaser” role anymore, I am too tired and it just frankly seems more of a good use of my sparse free time to smoke a joint and watch YouTube in the tub.

So, ladies, or gentlemen, which of this advice is solid?? Do I just, bite the bullet and go through the motions and it will start to be good again? Or do I just keep... not having sex because I am just never in the mood. It’s like waiting around for a premonition or something, maybe it’s not coming.

Any advice appreciated, thanks in advance, I’m using a throwaway.

Submitted May 24, 2019 at 12:53AM

So pretty much since I had my kid nearly two years ago there has not been much activity in our marriage. I know it’s normal, between looking after a kid all day and lack of sleep, stress, blah blah blah, but it’s still not something we are happy about.For me, aside from being dead tired at the end of the day and definitely not in the mood, I also just don’t want it. It feels like work, for me. I rarely ever orgasm when we do have sex, which means the reward system is pretty much non existent for me. He and I have talked about it, he says he gets excited right away and wants to get to it and basically like, assumes I am in the same mental headspace as he is as far as arousal goes.Here is where my confusion is when it comes to the “advice” I am reading so far as articles from sex help websites and psychology websites and such.They say you need to schedule sex, masturbate more, the act of sex will make you want more sex, basically just like go through the motions and it will just kinda right itself.Then I read to not have sex unless I am aroused, to make sure I am in the mood otherwise the issue will never go away. Every time I am giving in and having basically ungratifying sex that I am reinforcing this lack of interest I have. Once I start having sex when I am in the mood and enjoying it and finishing, I will start wanting it because there is a reward there for me.I find this very frustrating because it’s sort of a catch 22, isn’t it? I can’t get into it, so have sex to get into it, but if i am not into it, it reinforces me not being into it?For background, I have always played the “pleaser” role in the relationship and I never used to care if I finished or not because I enjoyed it anyway and was full of hormones and 15 years younger and slept a full 7 hours every night. Now I am not so interested in the “pleaser” role anymore, I am too tired and it just frankly seems more of a good use of my sparse free time to smoke a joint and watch YouTube in the tub.So, ladies, or gentlemen, which of this advice is solid?? Do I just, bite the bullet and go through the motions and it will start to be good again? Or do I just keep... not having sex because I am just never in the mood. It’s like waiting around for a premonition or something, maybe it’s not coming.Any advice appreciated, thanks in advance, I’m using a throwaway.