My (23ftm) relationship with my gf (24f) is dying due to my mental health help

Sorry this is pretty long.

Tl;dr my gf is going to leave me if I can not get my mental health under control because it is hurting her

So my gf and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and living together for over 2 years, best friends for even longer. I feel very desperate because we keep on having the same argument, that I dont share my feelings enough, that I keep sabotaging myself and there for us (for example anxiety procrastinating things to the point where she just ends up taking over). I get so stuck in my head when we fight I cant ever think of a real response I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing and she gets so sad about it because she say 'it's just me I'm right here'. She has pulled me through so much, I broke my foot and no one would take me in after my surgry and she took care of me the whole time, she encouraged me and helped me apply for college and over all just been a really strong supporter of me. I still cant open up. I'm a trans man and I think part of the issue is that ever since I started transitioning physically I have lost a gauge of how people perceive me, I'm scared of my anger and my own negative emotions because I dont wanna scare anyone or become someone I feel I have the capacity to be. She is my soulmate and I need to figgure this out so that I can live my life, it is affecting every relationship that I have and I cant let it take this away from me. I need to get over my fear of conflict and rejection. I never ever bring things up, if she is mean I will never say a word, if we have a fight i find myself never 'finding the right time' to come back to it and then she tells me she feels responsible for my feelings because I am not saying anything and emoting anyways so she just has to guess or be asking me all the time and I dint want my emotions to be my partners responsibility, I dint want to be that guy. I keep on trying to make choices that end in the most peace but it keeps breeding the opposite. When I was younger my parents never wanted to hear from me, if I hurt myself it was always 'what do you want me to do about it' or if I expressed something 'why are you telling me this' then my grandparents would try and make up for it by spoiling me, and I still wouldn't talk so they would just throw stuff at me to try and make me happy, I feel this had something to do with it, as well as farther emotional neglect along side no positive reinforcement some physical abuse and being screamed at quite constantly. I am in therapy and am going to try and start a plan with them but I am soso desperate. We have been having this fight for over a year, we are moving in the next 3 months and we will not be doing it together if I can not turn it around and help myself too. I dont want to hurt her anymore I love her so much and I have fucked it all up by trying to be so careful with her and instead I shut her out without even realizing it. How do I be more open when it is against ever fiber of my being? I have ruined so many things for myself I'm so tired of it.



Submitted May 11, 2019 at 06:40AM

Sorry this is pretty long.Tl;dr my gf is going to leave me if I can not get my mental health under control because it is hurting herSo my gf and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and living together for over 2 years, best friends for even longer. I feel very desperate because we keep on having the same argument, that I dont share my feelings enough, that I keep sabotaging myself and there for us (for example anxiety procrastinating things to the point where she just ends up taking over). I get so stuck in my head when we fight I cant ever think of a real response I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing and she gets so sad about it because she say 'it's just me I'm right here'. She has pulled me through so much, I broke my foot and no one would take me in after my surgry and she took care of me the whole time, she encouraged me and helped me apply for college and over all just been a really strong supporter of me. I still cant open up. I'm a trans man and I think part of the issue is that ever since I started transitioning physically I have lost a gauge of how people perceive me, I'm scared of my anger and my own negative emotions because I dont wanna scare anyone or become someone I feel I have the capacity to be. She is my soulmate and I need to figgure this out so that I can live my life, it is affecting every relationship that I have and I cant let it take this away from me. I need to get over my fear of conflict and rejection. I never ever bring things up, if she is mean I will never say a word, if we have a fight i find myself never 'finding the right time' to come back to it and then she tells me she feels responsible for my feelings because I am not saying anything and emoting anyways so she just has to guess or be asking me all the time and I dint want my emotions to be my partners responsibility, I dint want to be that guy. I keep on trying to make choices that end in the most peace but it keeps breeding the opposite. When I was younger my parents never wanted to hear from me, if I hurt myself it was always 'what do you want me to do about it' or if I expressed something 'why are you telling me this' then my grandparents would try and make up for it by spoiling me, and I still wouldn't talk so they would just throw stuff at me to try and make me happy, I feel this had something to do with it, as well as farther emotional neglect along side no positive reinforcement some physical abuse and being screamed at quite constantly. I am in therapy and am going to try and start a plan with them but I am soso desperate. We have been having this fight for over a year, we are moving in the next 3 months and we will not be doing it together if I can not turn it around and help myself too. I dont want to hurt her anymore I love her so much and I have fucked it all up by trying to be so careful with her and instead I shut her out without even realizing it. How do I be more open when it is against ever fiber of my being? I have ruined so many things for myself I'm so tired of it.
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