Love Letter to Jackson - The dice was loaded from the start.

I'm a bisexual man and he's my bisexual best friend. I read this handwritten letter to him while we did MDMA, and we just cuddled for hours and told each other we loved each other. He rejected me, which I now know is because he had gotten back together with his on again off again girlfriend, but actually the experience definitely improved our friendship. I'm over him, and we are far closer now after having this experience. Here's the letter:

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The Dice Was Loaded From the Start

Dear Jackson,

I’m smoking a cigarette right now outside my house. By now you will have gone home from Max’s house and be asleep because it’s almost one in the morning. All I have to say is:

The dice was loaded from the start.

By spending so much time together, all those nights, going to school together, doing MDMA, we were bound to fall in love with each other. Although I grew to love you in a romantic way, and you simply grew in platonic bond and love with me.

I understand you in almost every possible way. We know everything there is to know about each other. I know how you lived in poverty with your mom, something you almost never bring up. You share every thought with me. Conversely, you know about my mental illness, and about my dad beating me. I know you, J. Every bit of you. From your frozen nipple to your innermost thoughts and desires.

I remember when we were kids and we first met. I remember when we fucking masturbated together at that sleep over! Fuck, we were crazy kids. I remember when we did LSD and stayed up all night watching Austin go crazy. It’s really strange growing up. I’m sure you feel that way too. It’s strange but also kind of beautiful.

So right now, I wandered to the 24-hour coffee shop, but for some reason it was closed, so I’m sitting outside a bar on a bench under some light to write. I don’t know if it is the fact that I drank an entire bottle of wine that is compelling me to write this, or that I am just manic as fuck.

You lose inhibition with mania, you know. I don’t know. I also write compulsively. I don’t know how I got here in this point in my life. I felt so certain with the priesthood, but now I realize I can’t be alone my whole life.

I remember when you smoked weed and thought you went blind, and then we talked on a walk and you asked me if it was scary being in a mental hospital. I said it was boring.

Then, years later I was hospitalized again, and you were always the voice of reason. Always. Always telling me to take my meds, always so supportive. But I’m not gonna lie, it kind of pissed me off how right you always were.

Even now, I desperately feel like going off my meds, but I know you’re right. Despite that, I’m fucking manic as hell right now.

Anyway, you have ALWAYS been there for me. No matter how crazy I was acting. No matter how much it inconvenienced you. No matter what. And I can only hope that I will always be there for you. God, my thoughts are going so fast, racing by, one by one, everything is going so fast, and I don’t really know what to do.

Last time I felt like this, I was in an ER room, fucking Walt Whitman’s soul, so that’s probably not a good sign. I’m drinking coffee now, which probably isn’t good. If you were here you would tell me that.

When we kissed, you really sealed the deal. It was only natural for it to happen like this. Yes, us kissing was a little weird because you had just gotten out of a relationship (and entered it again) and we had previously just been friends. So I understand what you mean. But J, I felt something there. Just something small.

But it just kept growing until I finally realized what I was feeling was love. After we kissed, I took a plane to Tennessee, and as I lay in my grandfather’s house, I imagined being with you and wondered what that could mean. But I just ignored that feeling.

When we took MDMA, I felt alive and in love. I understood it to be platonic love at the time, but I think it was something different. We gripped each other tightly, our bodies seemingly on the same wavelengths. It felt good to have my head on your chest, our arms around each other.

And I realize that was just platonic for you.

I know.

And it was for me too at the time. But I have grown to understand it differently. To be completely honest, I had an erection most of the time, although that was just the physical effects of the drug, and I think I told you that.

We are emotionally compatible to say the least. And I know you sometimes jack it to gay porn, ha! My point is, there will never be another [Full Name]. You will always be my best friend.

I care so much about you, and I know you care so much about me. I know everything about you. So kiss or no kiss, the dice was loaded from the start. It was bound to happen. I don’t know if you will ever read this, but when the time is right, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, if not a lover, then a best friend.

Love,

Jack

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 07:14PM

I'm a bisexual man and he's my bisexual best friend. I read this handwritten letter to him while we did MDMA, and we just cuddled for hours and told each other we loved each other. He rejected me, which I now know is because he had gotten back together with his on again off again girlfriend, but actually the experience definitely improved our friendship. I'm over him, and we are far closer now after having this experience. Here's the letter:​The Dice Was Loaded From the StartDear Jackson,I’m smoking a cigarette right now outside my house. By now you will have gone home from Max’s house and be asleep because it’s almost one in the morning. All I have to say is:The dice was loaded from the start.By spending so much time together, all those nights, going to school together, doing MDMA, we were bound to fall in love with each other. Although I grew to love you in a romantic way, and you simply grew in platonic bond and love with me.I understand you in almost every possible way. We know everything there is to know about each other. I know how you lived in poverty with your mom, something you almost never bring up. You share every thought with me. Conversely, you know about my mental illness, and about my dad beating me. I know you, J. Every bit of you. From your frozen nipple to your innermost thoughts and desires.I remember when we were kids and we first met. I remember when we fucking masturbated together at that sleep over! Fuck, we were crazy kids. I remember when we did LSD and stayed up all night watching Austin go crazy. It’s really strange growing up. I’m sure you feel that way too. It’s strange but also kind of beautiful.So right now, I wandered to the 24-hour coffee shop, but for some reason it was closed, so I’m sitting outside a bar on a bench under some light to write. I don’t know if it is the fact that I drank an entire bottle of wine that is compelling me to write this, or that I am just manic as fuck.You lose inhibition with mania, you know. I don’t know. I also write compulsively. I don’t know how I got here in this point in my life. I felt so certain with the priesthood, but now I realize I can’t be alone my whole life.I remember when you smoked weed and thought you went blind, and then we talked on a walk and you asked me if it was scary being in a mental hospital. I said it was boring.Then, years later I was hospitalized again, and you were always the voice of reason. Always. Always telling me to take my meds, always so supportive. But I’m not gonna lie, it kind of pissed me off how right you always were.Even now, I desperately feel like going off my meds, but I know you’re right. Despite that, I’m fucking manic as hell right now.Anyway, you have ALWAYS been there for me. No matter how crazy I was acting. No matter how much it inconvenienced you. No matter what. And I can only hope that I will always be there for you. God, my thoughts are going so fast, racing by, one by one, everything is going so fast, and I don’t really know what to do.Last time I felt like this, I was in an ER room, fucking Walt Whitman’s soul, so that’s probably not a good sign. I’m drinking coffee now, which probably isn’t good. If you were here you would tell me that.When we kissed, you really sealed the deal. It was only natural for it to happen like this. Yes, us kissing was a little weird because you had just gotten out of a relationship (and entered it again) and we had previously just been friends. So I understand what you mean. But J, I felt something there. Just something small.But it just kept growing until I finally realized what I was feeling was love. After we kissed, I took a plane to Tennessee, and as I lay in my grandfather’s house, I imagined being with you and wondered what that could mean. But I just ignored that feeling.When we took MDMA, I felt alive and in love. I understood it to be platonic love at the time, but I think it was something different. We gripped each other tightly, our bodies seemingly on the same wavelengths. It felt good to have my head on your chest, our arms around each other.And I realize that was just platonic for you.I know.And it was for me too at the time. But I have grown to understand it differently. To be completely honest, I had an erection most of the time, although that was just the physical effects of the drug, and I think I told you that.We are emotionally compatible to say the least. And I know you sometimes jack it to gay porn, ha! My point is, there will never be another [Full Name]. You will always be my best friend.I care so much about you, and I know you care so much about me. I know everything about you. So kiss or no kiss, the dice was loaded from the start. It was bound to happen. I don’t know if you will ever read this, but when the time is right, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, if not a lover, then a best friend.Love,Jack