Frustrated Husband - Need Advice

Hi. Throwaway account here. I'm trying to be brief, but finding it's impossible, so take with a grain of salt some of the broad brush strokes here.

My wife is driving me nuts with nearly constant idle complaining and I don't know what to do to make the situation better.

I'll call her Jane for anonymity.

My wife (43F) and I (39M) have been married for almost 12 years. We have 4 kids - (25F - her bio daughter that I adopted shortly after, and who is now graduated, married and moved out), and (10F, 7M, 6F).

Financially things have generally been going very well. When we got married we had over 90k in debt combined. I pushed hard for success at work and built up my salary to over 170k + bonuses. I recently came into some big money through work that allowed us to pay off our house early and all debts, and put another 130k away in savings.

Jane is a former schoolteacher, and is a specialist in early childhood education, so she home schools the kids. We supplement this with some day programs at private schools.

Prior to October of last year I was traveling a lot for work (around 2 times a month I'd be gone for 3-5 days, sometimes less sometimes more). Every time a trip came up, Jane would complain, groan and whine about me being gone. I would often leave super early to avoid being gone an extra night, and try to find the right time to tell her that I have a trip that I need to go on, but it was always met with some conflict. Simultaneously she would be worried about money for car repairs, or house repairs. She complained about our kitchen nearly every day, so we spent ~35k upgrading the kitchen. She notices every minute detail of imperfection in the new kitchen and complains about that.

Also, I have a passion for creating art and music that I've pretty much let lay dormant for 10 years while I focused on my career (engineering manager / inventor). She constantly complained about her job at a public school, so when our son was born she resigned and I focused on supporting the family financially by taking on more responsibility at work.

Eventually my long commute (1+ hrs each way), the family challenges associated with traveling, my desire to work more on the creative things, and our debt free status led me to ask for a different role at work. I negotiated a position that gives me a 120k salary + health benefits, and if I stay on for 3 years a 200k bonus. Jane and I discussed this at length for like 9 months before I had this conversation. Now I work from home at this a little more than part time, with almost no travel and I help her some by driving kids to their day programs and being more involved with the household.

Here's the thing... and I don't think I'm exaggerating. Nearly every interaction with Jane I find that she's complaining about something, frustrated about something, not being satisfied with the way I did something, or being rather cold towards me. Like she never initiates a simple hug or kiss, and I'm a pretty affectionate person. I'm not overbearing or demanding, to be clear. As an example, this morning she mentioned that there were no trash bags. On the way home from dropping off kids I picked up some trash bags. When I got home she said "I was going to the store, why did you pick that up?". I suppose I would have preferred an "oh thanks" but rather I feel a bit shamed that I tried to do something proactive.

Another trivial but telling example. The kids accidentally left some nice metal water bottles at the pool (about 35 bux worth of stuff). She has expressed her disappointment in not finding them about 4 times and can't seem to let it go easily. She kind of beats herself up over it. To me it's a simple "damn, I left the bottles, oh well we can afford to buy some more".

Most nights and mornings she complains of headaches. Most afternoons after 3:00 she complains of being "super tired" and she just gets prickly.

She's kind of authoritarian with the kids too. Dinner is filled with "keep your knees down", "use a napkin", "don't eat with your fingers" and all of the right things, but I can tell the kids are a bit frustrated by it too because it's almost constant.

She seems to always be in conflict with our 10 year old, who does have a bit of a talk-backey attitude, but I find that the level of lecturing that Jane gives her is just fuel to the fire often times.

Jane and I like to host friends for dinner. She's lovely and fun when company is around. The minute they leave she almost changes instantly into her very tired, headachey self.

When I try to talk to her about it, I am made to feel like I'm opening a can of worms and she gets highly defensive.

It's just a barrage of little things, and lack of niceties, and it's starting to grate on me.

I really love her and I'm committed to making this work, but lately I feel a bit exhausted and starved for some kindness.

Any tips?

Submitted May 10, 2019 at 03:01PM

Hi. Throwaway account here. I'm trying to be brief, but finding it's impossible, so take with a grain of salt some of the broad brush strokes here.My wife is driving me nuts with nearly constant idle complaining and I don't know what to do to make the situation better.I'll call her Jane for anonymity.My wife (43F) and I (39M) have been married for almost 12 years. We have 4 kids - (25F - her bio daughter that I adopted shortly after, and who is now graduated, married and moved out), and (10F, 7M, 6F).Financially things have generally been going very well. When we got married we had over 90k in debt combined. I pushed hard for success at work and built up my salary to over 170k + bonuses. I recently came into some big money through work that allowed us to pay off our house early and all debts, and put another 130k away in savings.Jane is a former schoolteacher, and is a specialist in early childhood education, so she home schools the kids. We supplement this with some day programs at private schools.Prior to October of last year I was traveling a lot for work (around 2 times a month I'd be gone for 3-5 days, sometimes less sometimes more). Every time a trip came up, Jane would complain, groan and whine about me being gone. I would often leave super early to avoid being gone an extra night, and try to find the right time to tell her that I have a trip that I need to go on, but it was always met with some conflict. Simultaneously she would be worried about money for car repairs, or house repairs. She complained about our kitchen nearly every day, so we spent ~35k upgrading the kitchen. She notices every minute detail of imperfection in the new kitchen and complains about that.Also, I have a passion for creating art and music that I've pretty much let lay dormant for 10 years while I focused on my career (engineering manager / inventor). She constantly complained about her job at a public school, so when our son was born she resigned and I focused on supporting the family financially by taking on more responsibility at work.Eventually my long commute (1+ hrs each way), the family challenges associated with traveling, my desire to work more on the creative things, and our debt free status led me to ask for a different role at work. I negotiated a position that gives me a 120k salary + health benefits, and if I stay on for 3 years a 200k bonus. Jane and I discussed this at length for like 9 months before I had this conversation. Now I work from home at this a little more than part time, with almost no travel and I help her some by driving kids to their day programs and being more involved with the household.Here's the thing... and I don't think I'm exaggerating. Nearly every interaction with Jane I find that she's complaining about something, frustrated about something, not being satisfied with the way I did something, or being rather cold towards me. Like she never initiates a simple hug or kiss, and I'm a pretty affectionate person. I'm not overbearing or demanding, to be clear. As an example, this morning she mentioned that there were no trash bags. On the way home from dropping off kids I picked up some trash bags. When I got home she said "I was going to the store, why did you pick that up?". I suppose I would have preferred an "oh thanks" but rather I feel a bit shamed that I tried to do something proactive.Another trivial but telling example. The kids accidentally left some nice metal water bottles at the pool (about 35 bux worth of stuff). She has expressed her disappointment in not finding them about 4 times and can't seem to let it go easily. She kind of beats herself up over it. To me it's a simple "damn, I left the bottles, oh well we can afford to buy some more".Most nights and mornings she complains of headaches. Most afternoons after 3:00 she complains of being "super tired" and she just gets prickly.She's kind of authoritarian with the kids too. Dinner is filled with "keep your knees down", "use a napkin", "don't eat with your fingers" and all of the right things, but I can tell the kids are a bit frustrated by it too because it's almost constant.She seems to always be in conflict with our 10 year old, who does have a bit of a talk-backey attitude, but I find that the level of lecturing that Jane gives her is just fuel to the fire often times.Jane and I like to host friends for dinner. She's lovely and fun when company is around. The minute they leave she almost changes instantly into her very tired, headachey self.When I try to talk to her about it, I am made to feel like I'm opening a can of worms and she gets highly defensive.It's just a barrage of little things, and lack of niceties, and it's starting to grate on me.I really love her and I'm committed to making this work, but lately I feel a bit exhausted and starved for some kindness.Any tips?