I [22M] have a really hard with the fact that my friends mean more to me than I do to them

I love my friends with all my heart. They are kinda the most important people in my life. I don't have any siblings, or a significant other. So aside from my mom, no one has a bigger place in my life.

We are a group of 4 guys. I have constantly told them over the years that I love them, they are like brothers to me, and my best friends. Here and there, I got the same or similar things casually said to me. I love hugs and feel so connected when I get to embrace a good friend. They don't really care much for hugs. In fact, I think they're a little against them. I know these aren't "guy" things that macho manly bros do... But I want a goddamn bromance, I see it happen everywhere!

In comes the last year. My mental health took a turn for the worse and I relied on them TOO much. Embarrassed to go to my mom, they were my only outlet. I called them at too many dark times. And during mood swings, emotional outbursts, angry thoughts, and feelings of suicide, I overwhelmed them (as they put it). I pushed to hear that they care about me so much and it forced them to feel like they had to say things to keep me alive. They admit this now. What was real? What was fake? I'm constantly paranoid now.

Maybe it's not me. One friend said he believes friendships come and go and that he doesn't want a friend that he "loves". Another said that he doesn't consider anyone a best friend, just all are his friends. The last said that he doesn't really like using the term "brother" when he describes his relationship with me.

Whether they are just those kind of people or not, I have known them for 7 years. I feel like I should be someone that they just grab by the shoulders and tell me how much I mean to them and that they don't want me to die.

They are my brothers. I do love them. They are my best friends. And to know that I'll never hear it back...I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed as a person. Why don't I have someone who would be lost without me the way I'd be lost without them. I want to just be someone's ride-or-die, there for everything and anything, and NEVER have it be too much. But I've apparently put too much on them. I feel broken. I would feel complete if I knew someone needed and wanted me to be their lifelong brother.

Tl;dr: My friends are my world. I think I'm just a speck in theirs. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's them. Either way, I feel like a failure.

Submitted May 11, 2019 at 05:19AM

I love my friends with all my heart. They are kinda the most important people in my life. I don't have any siblings, or a significant other. So aside from my mom, no one has a bigger place in my life.We are a group of 4 guys. I have constantly told them over the years that I love them, they are like brothers to me, and my best friends. Here and there, I got the same or similar things casually said to me. I love hugs and feel so connected when I get to embrace a good friend. They don't really care much for hugs. In fact, I think they're a little against them. I know these aren't "guy" things that macho manly bros do... But I want a goddamn bromance, I see it happen everywhere!In comes the last year. My mental health took a turn for the worse and I relied on them TOO much. Embarrassed to go to my mom, they were my only outlet. I called them at too many dark times. And during mood swings, emotional outbursts, angry thoughts, and feelings of suicide, I overwhelmed them (as they put it). I pushed to hear that they care about me so much and it forced them to feel like they had to say things to keep me alive. They admit this now. What was real? What was fake? I'm constantly paranoid now.Maybe it's not me. One friend said he believes friendships come and go and that he doesn't want a friend that he "loves". Another said that he doesn't consider anyone a best friend, just all are his friends. The last said that he doesn't really like using the term "brother" when he describes his relationship with me.Whether they are just those kind of people or not, I have known them for 7 years. I feel like I should be someone that they just grab by the shoulders and tell me how much I mean to them and that they don't want me to die.They are my brothers. I do love them. They are my best friends. And to know that I'll never hear it back...I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed as a person. Why don't I have someone who would be lost without me the way I'd be lost without them. I want to just be someone's ride-or-die, there for everything and anything, and NEVER have it be too much. But I've apparently put too much on them. I feel broken. I would feel complete if I knew someone needed and wanted me to be their lifelong brother.Tl;dr: My friends are my world. I think I'm just a speck in theirs. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's them. Either way, I feel like a failure.