Giving it one more try; what can I do to salvage my relationship, given that I'm very emotionally disconnected and have little to no desire for a romantic relationship with my husband anymore?

I've been very close to asking for divorce for quite a while now, but I've decided to make a real effort for the next month at least, and see where we land. I would appreciate some advice; but please be aware that we've already tried most things.

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TL;DR: Our marriage kinda sucked for the first 13 years. Now after counseling it's better, but I have zero desire for a romantic relationship with him. However, I want to make things work because he is a good guy and we have kids together. How do I salvage our relationship when I don't even like spending time with him?

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SEX

Historically, we have had a LOT of issues with different sex drives. My husband rejected me and showed very little attraction to me over and over for the first 13 years of our marriage. Things started to change last year while we were in marriage counseling, but it's still a problem that we have very different levels of desire, he has not made the effort to learn how to give me pleasure in bed, and I have a lot of hurt from all those years of being treated like a nuisance. I know he is willing to try now, but after more rejections in recent months, I have lost my ability to be attracted to him or be turned on when I'm with him. Until a few weeks ago, I used to just make myself have sex anyway and do my best to seem into it, but I decided I need to be more honest with him, so now I don't initiate, and while I'm fine with touches and cuddles and his attempts to initiate, I say no if I'm not in the mood, which is almost all of the time now. It isn't my sex drive that's the problem; it's with HIM specifically. I don't feel safe with him because of all the years of rejection, so I don't feel desire for him. I've told him all this, and he's being patient, and also showing more desire for me than I've ever seen before. Which...is frankly a bit frustrating, since only now that I don't want him, does he want me. Any thoughts on how I can learn to desire him again and make this work?

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RELATIONSHIP

Basically, I no longer desire a romantic relationship with him. I would like to change this; it would be so much better for our family if I can stay with him and make this work. He's a great dad, and we function well together as a family with our two kids, but I don't really enjoy his company much except for when we are with the kids.

I've been growing and changing a lot over the last couple years. We used to have our religious views and profession in common, but we no longer do. We have always been quite different people other than that. We're both intelligent, but in very different ways (he loves computer programming, I love reading and writing. He loves concrete problem solving, I love abstract thought experiments). He's hard to have a conversation with; he just talks about himself. Dates are generally torture for me; sometimes if I get really high I can have a good time. I spent years begging him to spend more time with me, and when he finally started to try to do so, it was like I immediately realized that I actually don't enjoy his company at all really. I'd like to change this though. I know married couples can be very different and be happy together. I'm not though, and I don't know how to be.

He has begun to be really kind to me and show affection within the last year (after marriage counseling and me bringing up divorce). However, in the past, he routinely pushed me away when I wanted kisses and hugs, always had things to do that were more important than spending time with me, refused to do any activities that he wasn't particularly into, and acted annoyed with me the majority of the time. He was holding onto some resentment because I'm not great at things like chores and making appointments and etc. I've really been trying to be better at all this, but I have a chronic illness that really limits how much I can contribute. He's very kind now, but it feels strange and too late. I'd like to let go of all that history of hurt, but it went on for 13 years, and now that I see how badly he treated me by contrast to how he acts now...I just feel confused.

I had him download the Gottman card decks app, and suggested he use some of them for conversation starters. I don't think he's even opened the app. We've bought books that we selected together (two years ago) about sex. He never read them. We went to marriage counseling for most of last year. It did help some. That's when I realized that underneath the obvious problems, there is a deeper issue of us just being very different people who want different things.

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THE PLAN

We are going to try another marriage counselor and I'm determined to make an effort, but I just don't know how to make myself want to be married to him, when I wouldn't even choose him for a friend if I could start over. He's a great person with lots of good qualities, but he just isn't the kind of person I enjoy spending time with. We have little in common other than the kids, not much to talk about, and he doesn't "see" or understand much of who I am (for example, I don't think he's ever read any of my poetry and I don't think he would understand it at all if he did). If it weren't for the kids, I don't think I'd be motivated to try. But as it is, I would love to find some miraculous way to make this work.

Submitted May 28, 2019 at 10:15PM

I've been very close to asking for divorce for quite a while now, but I've decided to make a real effort for the next month at least, and see where we land. I would appreciate some advice; but please be aware that we've already tried most things.​TL;DR: Our marriage kinda sucked for the first 13 years. Now after counseling it's better, but I have zero desire for a romantic relationship with him. However, I want to make things work because he is a good guy and we have kids together. How do I salvage our relationship when I don't even like spending time with him?​SEXHistorically, we have had a LOT of issues with different sex drives. My husband rejected me and showed very little attraction to me over and over for the first 13 years of our marriage. Things started to change last year while we were in marriage counseling, but it's still a problem that we have very different levels of desire, he has not made the effort to learn how to give me pleasure in bed, and I have a lot of hurt from all those years of being treated like a nuisance. I know he is willing to try now, but after more rejections in recent months, I have lost my ability to be attracted to him or be turned on when I'm with him. Until a few weeks ago, I used to just make myself have sex anyway and do my best to seem into it, but I decided I need to be more honest with him, so now I don't initiate, and while I'm fine with touches and cuddles and his attempts to initiate, I say no if I'm not in the mood, which is almost all of the time now. It isn't my sex drive that's the problem; it's with HIM specifically. I don't feel safe with him because of all the years of rejection, so I don't feel desire for him. I've told him all this, and he's being patient, and also showing more desire for me than I've ever seen before. Which...is frankly a bit frustrating, since only now that I don't want him, does he want me. Any thoughts on how I can learn to desire him again and make this work?​RELATIONSHIPBasically, I no longer desire a romantic relationship with him. I would like to change this; it would be so much better for our family if I can stay with him and make this work. He's a great dad, and we function well together as a family with our two kids, but I don't really enjoy his company much except for when we are with the kids.I've been growing and changing a lot over the last couple years. We used to have our religious views and profession in common, but we no longer do. We have always been quite different people other than that. We're both intelligent, but in very different ways (he loves computer programming, I love reading and writing. He loves concrete problem solving, I love abstract thought experiments). He's hard to have a conversation with; he just talks about himself. Dates are generally torture for me; sometimes if I get really high I can have a good time. I spent years begging him to spend more time with me, and when he finally started to try to do so, it was like I immediately realized that I actually don't enjoy his company at all really. I'd like to change this though. I know married couples can be very different and be happy together. I'm not though, and I don't know how to be.He has begun to be really kind to me and show affection within the last year (after marriage counseling and me bringing up divorce). However, in the past, he routinely pushed me away when I wanted kisses and hugs, always had things to do that were more important than spending time with me, refused to do any activities that he wasn't particularly into, and acted annoyed with me the majority of the time. He was holding onto some resentment because I'm not great at things like chores and making appointments and etc. I've really been trying to be better at all this, but I have a chronic illness that really limits how much I can contribute. He's very kind now, but it feels strange and too late. I'd like to let go of all that history of hurt, but it went on for 13 years, and now that I see how badly he treated me by contrast to how he acts now...I just feel confused.I had him download the Gottman card decks app, and suggested he use some of them for conversation starters. I don't think he's even opened the app. We've bought books that we selected together (two years ago) about sex. He never read them. We went to marriage counseling for most of last year. It did help some. That's when I realized that underneath the obvious problems, there is a deeper issue of us just being very different people who want different things.​THE PLANWe are going to try another marriage counselor and I'm determined to make an effort, but I just don't know how to make myself want to be married to him, when I wouldn't even choose him for a friend if I could start over. He's a great person with lots of good qualities, but he just isn't the kind of person I enjoy spending time with. We have little in common other than the kids, not much to talk about, and he doesn't "see" or understand much of who I am (for example, I don't think he's ever read any of my poetry and I don't think he would understand it at all if he did). If it weren't for the kids, I don't think I'd be motivated to try. But as it is, I would love to find some miraculous way to make this work.