When the "L-Word" isn't reciprocated

I'm looking for a little advice from someone who has been on either side of this situation... What you did or what you wish the other person had done. 

The TL;DR version is that I told my boyfriend I loved him. He has not said it back. I thought that I would be ok with him not saying it back but I'm finding it hard to determine where to go from here. Do I continue to say it when I feel it? I don't like the idea of almost shoving in his face, and also I don't like the awkwardness that seems to ensue after I say it and he doesn't have a good response. Then again it sucks feeling like I'm holding it in. Am I wasting my time with someone who isn't emotionally available? Are there any conversations we should specifically be having regarding this? 

The long version of the story is that we've been dating for 8 months. I started thinking about the L-word in February (so approx 5 months into the relationship) and found myself actively wanting to say it about a month later. I had a feeling he was not there yet so I tried to hold it in and give him time. 

Some background on him - he had a pretty bad end to his marriage. His ex basically left him for another guy, but she strung him along for over a year, not telling him what was going on when she moved into the spare bedroom, etc, because she didn't want to 'lose her best friend.' This messed him up pretty bad and he's been vocal about how reserved this has made him with regards to approaching a new relationship. He dated some other women before he met me, but I'm the longest relationship he's had other than his ex-wife. He has said he is taking everything really slow because he's concerned about getting hurt again. He also said he felt numb emotionally for a really long time because of it. 

Because of his history I really didn't expect him to feel as strongly as I do. I kept thinking about how I would feel if I said I loved him and he didn't feel the same. I somehow decided that it wasn't that big of a deal and I would be fine, so about a month ago I finally told him I love him. He did not say it back but seemed to handle it well. We talked about it. He said he's not there yet, but he's glad I told him how I feel. He expressed again how he's still figuring out how to let himself fall for someone again. He told me he doesn't want me to hold back when I want to say it. We've discussed it a couple of times in the month since I first said it but it just always seems to be the same conversation: He really cares about me. He wouldn't be still dating me if he didn't see the potential for a future together. He still just needs to go slow. 

But how long do I wait? I'm starting to feel stupid for falling for someone who doesn't feel the same. But it's so hard for me to meet anyone I connect with, respect, feel respected by, am attracted to... the idea of breaking things off seems crazy. But is he not emotionally available? Am I wasting my time waiting around for him to catch up with me? And if I do keep waiting, should I keep saying "I love you" when I feel it? Should we keep talking about this, or is it just going to seem like I'm pressuring him?

Submitted May 23, 2019 at 09:36PM

I'm looking for a little advice from someone who has been on either side of this situation... What you did or what you wish the other person had done. The TL;DR version is that I told my boyfriend I loved him. He has not said it back. I thought that I would be ok with him not saying it back but I'm finding it hard to determine where to go from here. Do I continue to say it when I feel it? I don't like the idea of almost shoving in his face, and also I don't like the awkwardness that seems to ensue after I say it and he doesn't have a good response. Then again it sucks feeling like I'm holding it in. Am I wasting my time with someone who isn't emotionally available? Are there any conversations we should specifically be having regarding this? The long version of the story is that we've been dating for 8 months. I started thinking about the L-word in February (so approx 5 months into the relationship) and found myself actively wanting to say it about a month later. I had a feeling he was not there yet so I tried to hold it in and give him time. Some background on him - he had a pretty bad end to his marriage. His ex basically left him for another guy, but she strung him along for over a year, not telling him what was going on when she moved into the spare bedroom, etc, because she didn't want to 'lose her best friend.' This messed him up pretty bad and he's been vocal about how reserved this has made him with regards to approaching a new relationship. He dated some other women before he met me, but I'm the longest relationship he's had other than his ex-wife. He has said he is taking everything really slow because he's concerned about getting hurt again. He also said he felt numb emotionally for a really long time because of it. Because of his history I really didn't expect him to feel as strongly as I do. I kept thinking about how I would feel if I said I loved him and he didn't feel the same. I somehow decided that it wasn't that big of a deal and I would be fine, so about a month ago I finally told him I love him. He did not say it back but seemed to handle it well. We talked about it. He said he's not there yet, but he's glad I told him how I feel. He expressed again how he's still figuring out how to let himself fall for someone again. He told me he doesn't want me to hold back when I want to say it. We've discussed it a couple of times in the month since I first said it but it just always seems to be the same conversation: He really cares about me. He wouldn't be still dating me if he didn't see the potential for a future together. He still just needs to go slow. But how long do I wait? I'm starting to feel stupid for falling for someone who doesn't feel the same. But it's so hard for me to meet anyone I connect with, respect, feel respected by, am attracted to... the idea of breaking things off seems crazy. But is he not emotionally available? Am I wasting my time waiting around for him to catch up with me? And if I do keep waiting, should I keep saying "I love you" when I feel it? Should we keep talking about this, or is it just going to seem like I'm pressuring him?