DAE feel like they literally just don't meet emotionally available people?

I'm just trying to understand this, I guess. My happily married friends say things to me like: "Why don't you just go out with a man like my husband: [enter description of someone who just naturally empathises with you and can meet your emotional needs because it's part of their personality.] And I think - yeah, that would be great, but I never seem to actually meet these people. I mean, even as friends - with the exception of my friends' husbands - I find myself flummoxed by male friends who come to me to ask about their troubled relationships because I think .... why don't you just use empathy? All of this is so easily solved if you just empathise with your partner.

The usual reasons you're giving for "repeatedly dating emotionally available men" are as follows, but none of them seem to apply to me:

1. You reject emotionally available people - while it's true I reject a lot of advances, I wouldn't say the people I'm rejecting are emotionally available. Quite the opposite. They normally get rejected because they come across as very self-centred or emotionally immature. I have never rejected anyone for being "boring", or whatever - it's rare I find anyone boring, there's always something you can find about someone that's interesting.
2. You are blinded by chemistry with EU people - nope, I almost never have chemistry with people. I'm just not a 'chemistry' person, apparently. It takes me a little while to bond with people. Doesn't matter whether it's romantic or platonic, I'm just not an 'instant feelings' person.
3. You don't communicate your needs so everyone seems EU - true of me in the past, and this one gave me hope because it gave me agency - finally, something I could do to change my reality. I've had a lot of therapy, I've done a lot of thinking, I've got a lot better at expressing my emotions. As a result, my friendships with women are miiiiiles better. Because it really actually works with my female friends. I say "I feel this", they empathise, I feel better. Done. But all that happens with men is that I figure out what it is I need, I communicate that need (in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way) and the other person explains to me why they can't meet it. And these are needs not desires. I'm fine with "I can't see you on so-and-so day because I have work", but if it's "you seem to be the kind of person who wants to be close to someone emotionally and I just don't understand what the benefit would be of that" then obviously I can't work with that.

Has anyone else had this experience? I'm just ... flummoxed by it. I do know women with high EQ, and like I say their husbands are empathic too. But somehow I just don't meet men with empathy, and I'm not the type to believe that women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Of course men can have emotional intelligence and empathy. But how is it possible that I just don't meet them? I mean, the best I can think of is that I do not reject EU men (out of not noticing for a reeeeeeally long time - I know I'm blind to the signs of emotional distance, other people can point out my SO is emotionally distant after meeting him for an hour, but when they told me that I really still couldn't see it - he just seemed shy to me), but that only explains why I stay in distant relationships, it doesn't explain why I don't find opportunities to be with people available for closeness. Is it just a numbers game, really? If I'm staying with people who aren't right for me I'm not getting enough chances to meet people who are? It's just ... statistically, the majority of people are emotionally available, so shouldn't the world be swarming with them?

Submitted May 24, 2019 at 10:54AM

I'm just trying to understand this, I guess. My happily married friends say things to me like: "Why don't you just go out with a man like my husband: [enter description of someone who just naturally empathises with you and can meet your emotional needs because it's part of their personality.] And I think - yeah, that would be great, but I never seem to actually meet these people. I mean, even as friends - with the exception of my friends' husbands - I find myself flummoxed by male friends who come to me to ask about their troubled relationships because I think .... why don't you just use empathy? All of this is so easily solved if you just empathise with your partner.The usual reasons you're giving for "repeatedly dating emotionally available men" are as follows, but none of them seem to apply to me:You reject emotionally available people - while it's true I reject a lot of advances, I wouldn't say the people I'm rejecting are emotionally available. Quite the opposite. They normally get rejected because they come across as very self-centred or emotionally immature. I have never rejected anyone for being "boring", or whatever - it's rare I find anyone boring, there's always something you can find about someone that's interesting.You are blinded by chemistry with EU people - nope, I almost never have chemistry with people. I'm just not a 'chemistry' person, apparently. It takes me a little while to bond with people. Doesn't matter whether it's romantic or platonic, I'm just not an 'instant feelings' person.You don't communicate your needs so everyone seems EU - true of me in the past, and this one gave me hope because it gave me agency - finally, something I could do to change my reality. I've had a lot of therapy, I've done a lot of thinking, I've got a lot better at expressing my emotions. As a result, my friendships with women are miiiiiles better. Because it really actually works with my female friends. I say "I feel this", they empathise, I feel better. Done. But all that happens with men is that I figure out what it is I need, I communicate that need (in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way) and the other person explains to me why they can't meet it. And these are needs not desires. I'm fine with "I can't see you on so-and-so day because I have work", but if it's "you seem to be the kind of person who wants to be close to someone emotionally and I just don't understand what the benefit would be of that" then obviously I can't work with that.Has anyone else had this experience? I'm just ... flummoxed by it. I do know women with high EQ, and like I say their husbands are empathic too. But somehow I just don't meet men with empathy, and I'm not the type to believe that women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Of course men can have emotional intelligence and empathy. But how is it possible that I just don't meet them? I mean, the best I can think of is that I do not reject EU men (out of not noticing for a reeeeeeally long time - I know I'm blind to the signs of emotional distance, other people can point out my SO is emotionally distant after meeting him for an hour, but when they told me that I really still couldn't see it - he just seemed shy to me), but that only explains why I stay in distant relationships, it doesn't explain why I don't find opportunities to be with people available for closeness. Is it just a numbers game, really? If I'm staying with people who aren't right for me I'm not getting enough chances to meet people who are? It's just ... statistically, the majority of people are emotionally available, so shouldn't the world be swarming with them?