In need of tough love

I’m stuck on someone who is not for me after healing from infidelity in previous relationship and need help reinforcing how to deal with this because it’s making me crazy and my therapist isn’t available for some time. :(

Background: My ex of almost 8 years cheated for a few months before leaving me for her. This was two years ago (just realised its exact next week!). I’ve been to therapy. Forgiven myself. Worked on myself. Time heals. We’re not in contact, no kids.

But I’ve only just had feelings for someone again and it’s driven me insane. He’s not the first person I’ve been with since the split but the first I’ve felt emotional over. Thing is, he’s not a good guy for me. I think he’s manipulated me, but my intuition feels raw and vulnerable after I failed to trust it in my previous relationship. I can’t tell reality anymore.

Here’s what’s bothered me. I was initially hesitant - we’d had a small fling on holiday when we met so the future was dubious - and that seemed to make him go into overdrive. Within two weeks he was saying I might be “it” for him. I of course ate it up and developed feelings. We chatted a couple of months, several hours a night. He asked me to move to his town to be his girlfriend. (He later told a friend he meant it in a jokey way, but it was repeated several times and discussed reasonably seriously as to what it would involve.) I visited and stayed with him for ten days. We agreed at the end of it that we both wanted to keep investing time to see where this might evolve.

But once I left he got distant. He was busy with work (legit busy, like guy is going to burn out any day busy), but I wanted to check in before a business trip. We talked seven minutes during which he told me he felt I’d gone distant the last day or two of the trip. He couldn’t specify why he felt it but when pressed he said i didn’t make the bed and I’d left a coffee mug by the bed, where during my stay I was taking care of these things. (Yes I know how that reads, that’s why I need to write this out.)

Distance grows over business trip, getting a text a day saying hope you had a nice day, that kind of thing. He calls at 3am on the last night drunk (he doesn’t remember this convo much) and I’m crying trying to communicate I feel things are breaking down while he’s wanted to jerk off. (Seriously trying to be objective here to get a take on how crazy or not I am. This is what happened).

We talk about it the next day. I try to communicate that I’m feeling the distance and need more out of this. It can’t all be on his terms and 90% about him. He asks if I want to call it quits and I say I need to sleep and think. We talk the next night and he’s made a decision: he wants to call it quits because he can’t give me what I deserve but maybe in a couple of months if work calms down we’ll see. It’s not a conversation, it’s a dictate. I don’t get to discuss what my needs even are, he’s decided he can’t do it.

We’re in contact working together on a project (extra complication), so I find it hard to manage my feelings and accept this. Initially he texts me that he misses talking to me. Texts selfies. Feels personal still. Slowly that changes to just sending memes on Instagram once a day. I feel on hold. Living in a maybe. I don’t intend to be that woman. I get upset at how things have changed and the growing distance. A couple of times this overflows and I am angry. In his view info from 0 to 9 with no ability for him to influence things. At first he denies he’s pulling away then he starts to say my anger is what leads him to pull away. At first he insists he has no emotional bandwidth for any dating, then he ends up dating a woman with my same name and profession (how funny coincidences can be!). But he won’t admit he’s on a date. He’s out with a “friend”. He “deserves to blow off steam while so busy and stressed.” Deflects the issue, which is that I just wanted honesty (call it a damn date if it ends in sex) so I’d have information to make my own decisions.

I ignored many red flags (mutual friend telling me he’s a player of sorts, background of cheating, traumatic history, anger/violence history, never taking responsibility, harassment claims at work but he says was innocent, thinks he might be a psychopath partly due to feeling no guilt/remorse). I let my boundaries be crossed numerous times (eg sex without a condom in first encounter, driving while drinking which makes me ill just to think about it). He believes rules don’t apply to him.

It’s only been four months this has taken place in and I’m exhausted. I think it was love bombing followed by discard and I think the intensity of what I feel is from that and the memory of my previous relationship breakdown. But I question myself. Am I just being unreasonable? Should I have just been more patient? Rationally I know he’s not good for me. It’s taking too long for that to really sink in though.

I know how this reads. I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter anyway - he’s told me he can’t be what I need and I need to accept that and move on. It’s just been more painful than it feels it should be considering the circumstances. I feel Like an idiot considering how little I know the guy and the red flags I’m aware of. I’m worried I haven’t dealt with my last relationship as much as I thought. I’m worried I can’t trust people anymore. I’m worried I let myself get carried away by a master manipulator. I’m worried I lacked understanding for what was a mature response on his end, recognising he can’t do this complicated thing right now. And I mostly worried I can’t tell the fucking difference.

I’m out of dating for a while, obviously. Sucks because when I met him I was finally ready.

Tl;dr can’t parse what’s prior relationship pain causing me to be irrational in reactions vs. What’s real and realistic for how I’ve been treated.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 12:36AM

I’m stuck on someone who is not for me after healing from infidelity in previous relationship and need help reinforcing how to deal with this because it’s making me crazy and my therapist isn’t available for some time. :(Background: My ex of almost 8 years cheated for a few months before leaving me for her. This was two years ago (just realised its exact next week!). I’ve been to therapy. Forgiven myself. Worked on myself. Time heals. We’re not in contact, no kids.But I’ve only just had feelings for someone again and it’s driven me insane. He’s not the first person I’ve been with since the split but the first I’ve felt emotional over. Thing is, he’s not a good guy for me. I think he’s manipulated me, but my intuition feels raw and vulnerable after I failed to trust it in my previous relationship. I can’t tell reality anymore.Here’s what’s bothered me. I was initially hesitant - we’d had a small fling on holiday when we met so the future was dubious - and that seemed to make him go into overdrive. Within two weeks he was saying I might be “it” for him. I of course ate it up and developed feelings. We chatted a couple of months, several hours a night. He asked me to move to his town to be his girlfriend. (He later told a friend he meant it in a jokey way, but it was repeated several times and discussed reasonably seriously as to what it would involve.) I visited and stayed with him for ten days. We agreed at the end of it that we both wanted to keep investing time to see where this might evolve.But once I left he got distant. He was busy with work (legit busy, like guy is going to burn out any day busy), but I wanted to check in before a business trip. We talked seven minutes during which he told me he felt I’d gone distant the last day or two of the trip. He couldn’t specify why he felt it but when pressed he said i didn’t make the bed and I’d left a coffee mug by the bed, where during my stay I was taking care of these things. (Yes I know how that reads, that’s why I need to write this out.)Distance grows over business trip, getting a text a day saying hope you had a nice day, that kind of thing. He calls at 3am on the last night drunk (he doesn’t remember this convo much) and I’m crying trying to communicate I feel things are breaking down while he’s wanted to jerk off. (Seriously trying to be objective here to get a take on how crazy or not I am. This is what happened).We talk about it the next day. I try to communicate that I’m feeling the distance and need more out of this. It can’t all be on his terms and 90% about him. He asks if I want to call it quits and I say I need to sleep and think. We talk the next night and he’s made a decision: he wants to call it quits because he can’t give me what I deserve but maybe in a couple of months if work calms down we’ll see. It’s not a conversation, it’s a dictate. I don’t get to discuss what my needs even are, he’s decided he can’t do it.We’re in contact working together on a project (extra complication), so I find it hard to manage my feelings and accept this. Initially he texts me that he misses talking to me. Texts selfies. Feels personal still. Slowly that changes to just sending memes on Instagram once a day. I feel on hold. Living in a maybe. I don’t intend to be that woman. I get upset at how things have changed and the growing distance. A couple of times this overflows and I am angry. In his view info from 0 to 9 with no ability for him to influence things. At first he denies he’s pulling away then he starts to say my anger is what leads him to pull away. At first he insists he has no emotional bandwidth for any dating, then he ends up dating a woman with my same name and profession (how funny coincidences can be!). But he won’t admit he’s on a date. He’s out with a “friend”. He “deserves to blow off steam while so busy and stressed.” Deflects the issue, which is that I just wanted honesty (call it a damn date if it ends in sex) so I’d have information to make my own decisions.I ignored many red flags (mutual friend telling me he’s a player of sorts, background of cheating, traumatic history, anger/violence history, never taking responsibility, harassment claims at work but he says was innocent, thinks he might be a psychopath partly due to feeling no guilt/remorse). I let my boundaries be crossed numerous times (eg sex without a condom in first encounter, driving while drinking which makes me ill just to think about it). He believes rules don’t apply to him.It’s only been four months this has taken place in and I’m exhausted. I think it was love bombing followed by discard and I think the intensity of what I feel is from that and the memory of my previous relationship breakdown. But I question myself. Am I just being unreasonable? Should I have just been more patient? Rationally I know he’s not good for me. It’s taking too long for that to really sink in though.I know how this reads. I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter anyway - he’s told me he can’t be what I need and I need to accept that and move on. It’s just been more painful than it feels it should be considering the circumstances. I feel Like an idiot considering how little I know the guy and the red flags I’m aware of. I’m worried I haven’t dealt with my last relationship as much as I thought. I’m worried I can’t trust people anymore. I’m worried I let myself get carried away by a master manipulator. I’m worried I lacked understanding for what was a mature response on his end, recognising he can’t do this complicated thing right now. And I mostly worried I can’t tell the fucking difference.I’m out of dating for a while, obviously. Sucks because when I met him I was finally ready.Tl;dr can’t parse what’s prior relationship pain causing me to be irrational in reactions vs. What’s real and realistic for how I’ve been treated.