the closest thing to a relationship ive ever had.

when i was 17, i was involved with a 31 year old man. in my state, it’s legal although it really feels like it shouldn’t be now that i’m older and looking at it from a more mature perspective. no teenager should have to go through the burden and the confusion of a situation like that. even though i was very mature for my age and thought i was being as careful and as rational as one could be, i was still naive and young and it took a huge toll on me but in turn, it really changed me and i’m thankful for that.

It was this constant cycle of wondering why this insanely attractive older guy was interested in me at all and rationalizing it like “well he wouldn’t risk all of this if i didn’t actually mean something to him.” I was constantly wondering if it was all a joke or if the things he said to me and did for me actually had real, caring intentions behind them. We were only and purely friends for 8 months before it turned physical. And we were physical on an off for the next 9 months. It all started fizzling away those last 9 months. I never wanted to do or say anything that would scare him away so i was fine with our situation being FWB but it was really hard not to speak my feelings about anything regarding our situation because i didn’t ever want him to think i was attached to him, and scare him away. I was fine with what we were. More than fine, i just wanted him in my life. Actually being in a relationship with him was never an option and I always knew that, it didn’t bother me. But i still needed to have a conversation regarding “us” to bring me piece of mind and reassurance but he was never good at communicating to my needs about things like that. fuck there’s so much to the situation and the story this is a mess. anyway. it fizzled away. and it’s been years now of me wondering where he is now, if he ever thinks about me or wonders about me. He used to say things to me that i would only dream of someone saying to me, just the sweetest things. He really knew how to make me feel special and now i don’t know if i can ever believe anybody ever again if they said things like that to me. Because i’ll never know if he really meant them or said them to manipulate me. He used to send me short stories he wrote and poems. He wrote one about me once, about a picture i sent him of me sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon. He surprised me with food one day at work after not eating all day then spilling the bag of $2 vending machine peanuts all over the floor. So many long, late night phone calls. He would play guitar for me. So many things that made me feel so on top of the world. I’ve battled this situation for so long and tried to come up with each and every possible scenario and answer as to why he disappeared without any explanation or goodbye. I just need to accept that i’ll never know and that i need to let it go.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 02:44AM

when i was 17, i was involved with a 31 year old man. in my state, it’s legal although it really feels like it shouldn’t be now that i’m older and looking at it from a more mature perspective. no teenager should have to go through the burden and the confusion of a situation like that. even though i was very mature for my age and thought i was being as careful and as rational as one could be, i was still naive and young and it took a huge toll on me but in turn, it really changed me and i’m thankful for that.It was this constant cycle of wondering why this insanely attractive older guy was interested in me at all and rationalizing it like “well he wouldn’t risk all of this if i didn’t actually mean something to him.” I was constantly wondering if it was all a joke or if the things he said to me and did for me actually had real, caring intentions behind them. We were only and purely friends for 8 months before it turned physical. And we were physical on an off for the next 9 months. It all started fizzling away those last 9 months. I never wanted to do or say anything that would scare him away so i was fine with our situation being FWB but it was really hard not to speak my feelings about anything regarding our situation because i didn’t ever want him to think i was attached to him, and scare him away. I was fine with what we were. More than fine, i just wanted him in my life. Actually being in a relationship with him was never an option and I always knew that, it didn’t bother me. But i still needed to have a conversation regarding “us” to bring me piece of mind and reassurance but he was never good at communicating to my needs about things like that. fuck there’s so much to the situation and the story this is a mess. anyway. it fizzled away. and it’s been years now of me wondering where he is now, if he ever thinks about me or wonders about me. He used to say things to me that i would only dream of someone saying to me, just the sweetest things. He really knew how to make me feel special and now i don’t know if i can ever believe anybody ever again if they said things like that to me. Because i’ll never know if he really meant them or said them to manipulate me. He used to send me short stories he wrote and poems. He wrote one about me once, about a picture i sent him of me sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon. He surprised me with food one day at work after not eating all day then spilling the bag of $2 vending machine peanuts all over the floor. So many long, late night phone calls. He would play guitar for me. So many things that made me feel so on top of the world. I’ve battled this situation for so long and tried to come up with each and every possible scenario and answer as to why he disappeared without any explanation or goodbye. I just need to accept that i’ll never know and that i need to let it go.