I[32F] feel like my husband[33M] is in denial about his feelings towards me. Married 11 years with 2 special needs kids, I got fat and dead bedroom... what do I do?

TL;DR: 2 special needs kids. SAHM to basically be able to do all the therapies and appointments. Am huge now. Husband never has sex with me but swears he loves me and is attracted to me. Works late and very little interaction. Feel like he's with me not to be the asshole who leaves his wife with 2 special needs kids. How can i fix this mess?

We've been married 11 years. High school sweethearts...well started dating right after high school. Not each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend but I've only had sex with him.

Jack and I have been married for 11 years. We have two kids. Both of our kids had special needs with our oldest being extremely high functioning and gifted and our younger child being in the moderate category for autism. Our youngest is 4.

Jack is a very successful person and while I had a promising career when our oldest child had issues we decided since I made less and had better medical background I would stay home. He was happy to do this as his own mom stayed home but it was hard for me as I always saw myself working and being successful. I'm being vague because he does read this sub. I took our oldest to all therapies and was an aide in preschool for him. Honestly without driving it was over a part time job and some years over a full time job.

My life became all about pushing this child uphill and it worked Now you would never know he had severe challenges. He still gets social therapy and needs anxiety help but really he just seems like a super smart child,

We were both still very much in love and decided to have our second child. This was before we knew our older one had aspbergers. Our oldest was diagnosed when our younger child was mere months old. With a newborn I still did all of the therapy, driving and preschool stuff with my older. Around age 2.5 it became apparent while our younger child was hitting milestones he regressed. He is one of the small percentage of children who regress after the age of two. I admit this fucked with me bad and I was suicidal. I was put on medication and am dealing well with it but I felt like my child was stolen. to go from fully verbal and conversational to mute and right when his brother was graduating all his therapies save social skills therapy was a huge mind fuck. I was gutted. I began putting on more weight and my eating for comfort got out of control. I'm now trying I sti to accept where our youngest is and take happiness in what strides he is making. l take on childcare and therapies. I'm never home long enough to clean and organize it and when I am I'm usually so beat and tired to organize the toys they dump etc. Forget spring cleaning it never happens. My husband was always messy so it just adds to it being a shithole of clutter(not filth the trash is taken out and dishes done but messy clutter and unwashed walls with kid prints on it). I feel I never get a break. He is worse off than his brother in many ways but he is also the happiest kid.

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When we got married I was 130lbs and 5'8. Looking back I think I was extremely attractive but had poor self esteem as I was not American ideals and was bullied a lot for my "ethnic looks". After our first was born I struggled to lose weight but I did. After our second I was losing weight until my oldest was diagnosed with aspbergers. I then comfort ate. Currently I am 260lbs. The heaviest I have ever been. I'm on depression medication. Our house is a mess, I'm always stressed out and just exhausted. Jack has always been overweight but it never bothered me. I'm talking around 220 most of his adult life and he is 5'9. He is now 245. He does have some health stuff but it's minor and not severe. His professional life is super bright but due to our children's needs you wouldn't tell how well he is doing for himself.

My birthday he "forgot" because I was depressed and did not want to go out due to my younger child being kicked out of a preschool so we didn't even cut a store bought cake. Mother's day I got a beautiful heartfelt card saying I was a good mother and chocolates. His birthday came around and he got himself something expensive and nice and I also got him a nice gift and card. I planned a surprise party for him. I'm trying to have the kids make him a father's day gift. I make sure every day to tell him how much I adore him and love him.

I feel unloved. We never have sex anymore. The kids reject him because he barely interacts-if I am honest he may have aspbergers himself- so I am putting them to bed. I ask him and he says he's tired or work or whatever else excuse. Today he turned down a bj. Not even a bodily response when I was trying to initiate it. He says it's just the kids, stress, work, exhaustion, his back hurts literally everything.

He swears he loves me and is attracted to me still but the lack of sex unless I literally beg him bothers me. He jacks off so I know it's not a testosterone thing. I've offered counseling and he says he loves me and doesn't know where it is coming from. I'm starting to feel like we're married because I am a SAHM and can bring our special needs kid to 100000 appointments and he worries if we divorce who would do it not to mention he probably would feel bad if he left me because our kids.

I love him so much but either he is in denial or I am crazy. I want to stay married to him. I don't think I could ever love someone the way I love him but I don't think he loves me anymore- and again he swears he does. I just don't get how we would have sex every day then every other day after our first was born then three times a week after our second was born to now I'm lucky if I get it twice a month and I have to harass him for it. He doesn't initiate it. It kills me because I just feel ugly. I also suspect he is upset the house went to hell but I feel like I can't keep up both my kids are in therapies granted my oldest who is gifted is just in a private social group but still I never have a break.

He works until 8pm most weekdays and I feel it may be a choice. When he gets home he's on his computer or takes hours on the bathroom where he hides from us. When he is home he seems irritated with everything. We do date nights a few times a month but it's either silent or me filling conversation. I'm so lost and I don't know where to start. When I ask him what I need to do or how I can fix this he reassures me he loves me and is just tired and nothing is broken.

I was raised by a single mom so I really don't know what to do here and if I am being crazy. I'm too ashamed to ask my female friends because they joke their husbands bug them for sex too much and they are tired. Is it normal to have a super dead bedroom for over a year in long relationships? I just want to fix this. I love him.

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 05:34AM

TL;DR: 2 special needs kids. SAHM to basically be able to do all the therapies and appointments. Am huge now. Husband never has sex with me but swears he loves me and is attracted to me. Works late and very little interaction. Feel like he's with me not to be the asshole who leaves his wife with 2 special needs kids. How can i fix this mess?We've been married 11 years. High school sweethearts...well started dating right after high school. Not each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend but I've only had sex with him.Jack and I have been married for 11 years. We have two kids. Both of our kids had special needs with our oldest being extremely high functioning and gifted and our younger child being in the moderate category for autism. Our youngest is 4.Jack is a very successful person and while I had a promising career when our oldest child had issues we decided since I made less and had better medical background I would stay home. He was happy to do this as his own mom stayed home but it was hard for me as I always saw myself working and being successful. I'm being vague because he does read this sub. I took our oldest to all therapies and was an aide in preschool for him. Honestly without driving it was over a part time job and some years over a full time job.My life became all about pushing this child uphill and it worked Now you would never know he had severe challenges. He still gets social therapy and needs anxiety help but really he just seems like a super smart child,We were both still very much in love and decided to have our second child. This was before we knew our older one had aspbergers. Our oldest was diagnosed when our younger child was mere months old. With a newborn I still did all of the therapy, driving and preschool stuff with my older. Around age 2.5 it became apparent while our younger child was hitting milestones he regressed. He is one of the small percentage of children who regress after the age of two. I admit this fucked with me bad and I was suicidal. I was put on medication and am dealing well with it but I felt like my child was stolen. to go from fully verbal and conversational to mute and right when his brother was graduating all his therapies save social skills therapy was a huge mind fuck. I was gutted. I began putting on more weight and my eating for comfort got out of control. I'm now trying I sti to accept where our youngest is and take happiness in what strides he is making. l take on childcare and therapies. I'm never home long enough to clean and organize it and when I am I'm usually so beat and tired to organize the toys they dump etc. Forget spring cleaning it never happens. My husband was always messy so it just adds to it being a shithole of clutter(not filth the trash is taken out and dishes done but messy clutter and unwashed walls with kid prints on it). I feel I never get a break. He is worse off than his brother in many ways but he is also the happiest kid.​When we got married I was 130lbs and 5'8. Looking back I think I was extremely attractive but had poor self esteem as I was not American ideals and was bullied a lot for my "ethnic looks". After our first was born I struggled to lose weight but I did. After our second I was losing weight until my oldest was diagnosed with aspbergers. I then comfort ate. Currently I am 260lbs. The heaviest I have ever been. I'm on depression medication. Our house is a mess, I'm always stressed out and just exhausted. Jack has always been overweight but it never bothered me. I'm talking around 220 most of his adult life and he is 5'9. He is now 245. He does have some health stuff but it's minor and not severe. His professional life is super bright but due to our children's needs you wouldn't tell how well he is doing for himself.My birthday he "forgot" because I was depressed and did not want to go out due to my younger child being kicked out of a preschool so we didn't even cut a store bought cake. Mother's day I got a beautiful heartfelt card saying I was a good mother and chocolates. His birthday came around and he got himself something expensive and nice and I also got him a nice gift and card. I planned a surprise party for him. I'm trying to have the kids make him a father's day gift. I make sure every day to tell him how much I adore him and love him.I feel unloved. We never have sex anymore. The kids reject him because he barely interacts-if I am honest he may have aspbergers himself- so I am putting them to bed. I ask him and he says he's tired or work or whatever else excuse. Today he turned down a bj. Not even a bodily response when I was trying to initiate it. He says it's just the kids, stress, work, exhaustion, his back hurts literally everything.He swears he loves me and is attracted to me still but the lack of sex unless I literally beg him bothers me. He jacks off so I know it's not a testosterone thing. I've offered counseling and he says he loves me and doesn't know where it is coming from. I'm starting to feel like we're married because I am a SAHM and can bring our special needs kid to 100000 appointments and he worries if we divorce who would do it not to mention he probably would feel bad if he left me because our kids.I love him so much but either he is in denial or I am crazy. I want to stay married to him. I don't think I could ever love someone the way I love him but I don't think he loves me anymore- and again he swears he does. I just don't get how we would have sex every day then every other day after our first was born then three times a week after our second was born to now I'm lucky if I get it twice a month and I have to harass him for it. He doesn't initiate it. It kills me because I just feel ugly. I also suspect he is upset the house went to hell but I feel like I can't keep up both my kids are in therapies granted my oldest who is gifted is just in a private social group but still I never have a break.He works until 8pm most weekdays and I feel it may be a choice. When he gets home he's on his computer or takes hours on the bathroom where he hides from us. When he is home he seems irritated with everything. We do date nights a few times a month but it's either silent or me filling conversation. I'm so lost and I don't know where to start. When I ask him what I need to do or how I can fix this he reassures me he loves me and is just tired and nothing is broken.I was raised by a single mom so I really don't know what to do here and if I am being crazy. I'm too ashamed to ask my female friends because they joke their husbands bug them for sex too much and they are tired. Is it normal to have a super dead bedroom for over a year in long relationships? I just want to fix this. I love him.