Advice on First Interest After Divorce

Hey Everyone,

This is a throwaway since I work in a small industry and my main profile is identifiable to the players involved. I'm just looking for some advice from the brain trust on here.

I just got divorced two months ago after a 7 month separation, so 9 months apart. Our relationship was basically since High School, ~17 years, married for 7. We split amicably and still talk occasionally. The split on my end was mostly due to wife's multiple infidelities. I haven't dated in my 30's at all and am not on any OLD sites. I’ve been seeing a counselor throughout the whole process who has been very helpful . About three months into the separation I met a coworker and really hit it off with her (at least it seemed like that). We work together, but not directly (the industry is small but you rarely work closely with other people). We started texting almost every day with each other, mostly about work stuff, but gradually more personal. She's divorced as well and was married to someone in the industry 5 years ago.

She invited me for an event and we had a great time, it was mostly friendly, just a goodbye hug. The texting continued and I asked her to lunch and I traveled to her city so she could show me around. We had a great time and spent the whole day together. We discussed relationships and dating, she expressed that I should be single for a while. She also hasn't gone on more than a few dates since her divorce, but is open to another relationship, but would rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Also her counselor has told her she needs to be more open to relationships.

I ended up helping her with some maintenance on her house and spending the night (in the guest bedroom) since I missed the last train back to my place. There was no real physical contact and we were just friendly throughout the day. We grabbed breakfast the next day and I went back to my place. The texting continued and she went on vacation for a week. She was sending me pictures and messages throughout the vacation. Once she got back the messaging has slowed down, we still talk about work a lot, but less personal stuff. I have tried to let her take the reigns a bit on it and let her keep the messaging up if she wants too.

I discussed all of this with my counselor and mentioned her statement “that I needed to be single for a while”. His opinion is that I’m ready to move on if that is what I want to do and don’t put artificial timelines on things. The issue is that I can’t get this woman out of my head. I love spending time with her and she is amazingly beautiful and smart. Coming out of my marriage, I feel like I have a good idea of what I want in a future partner and she checks so many of those boxes. I really value our friendship and respect her as a colleague (her expertise and professionalism are a huge attraction for me).

I’m content to let things go as they are, but I also feel a strong draw to express these feelings as I don’t want to blindside her further down the road. The timing isn’t the best and I feel ill-equipped to date in my 30’s. The few friends I have discussed this with seem split on whether I should wait or not. Some have told me I need a “rebound” and to not pursue anything serious (one of my close female friends told me this). If any of you have any advice I would appreciate it, I realize this is just a snapshot of the whole situation and only from my perspective.

TLDR. Divorced, met someone. She says I need to be single for a while. I’m actually feeling pretty good and want to move the friendship to the next level, but don’t want to scare her off. Advice?

Submitted May 24, 2019 at 03:55PM

Hey Everyone,This is a throwaway since I work in a small industry and my main profile is identifiable to the players involved. I'm just looking for some advice from the brain trust on here.I just got divorced two months ago after a 7 month separation, so 9 months apart. Our relationship was basically since High School, ~17 years, married for 7. We split amicably and still talk occasionally. The split on my end was mostly due to wife's multiple infidelities. I haven't dated in my 30's at all and am not on any OLD sites. I’ve been seeing a counselor throughout the whole process who has been very helpful . About three months into the separation I met a coworker and really hit it off with her (at least it seemed like that). We work together, but not directly (the industry is small but you rarely work closely with other people). We started texting almost every day with each other, mostly about work stuff, but gradually more personal. She's divorced as well and was married to someone in the industry 5 years ago.She invited me for an event and we had a great time, it was mostly friendly, just a goodbye hug. The texting continued and I asked her to lunch and I traveled to her city so she could show me around. We had a great time and spent the whole day together. We discussed relationships and dating, she expressed that I should be single for a while. She also hasn't gone on more than a few dates since her divorce, but is open to another relationship, but would rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Also her counselor has told her she needs to be more open to relationships.I ended up helping her with some maintenance on her house and spending the night (in the guest bedroom) since I missed the last train back to my place. There was no real physical contact and we were just friendly throughout the day. We grabbed breakfast the next day and I went back to my place. The texting continued and she went on vacation for a week. She was sending me pictures and messages throughout the vacation. Once she got back the messaging has slowed down, we still talk about work a lot, but less personal stuff. I have tried to let her take the reigns a bit on it and let her keep the messaging up if she wants too.I discussed all of this with my counselor and mentioned her statement “that I needed to be single for a while”. His opinion is that I’m ready to move on if that is what I want to do and don’t put artificial timelines on things. The issue is that I can’t get this woman out of my head. I love spending time with her and she is amazingly beautiful and smart. Coming out of my marriage, I feel like I have a good idea of what I want in a future partner and she checks so many of those boxes. I really value our friendship and respect her as a colleague (her expertise and professionalism are a huge attraction for me).I’m content to let things go as they are, but I also feel a strong draw to express these feelings as I don’t want to blindside her further down the road. The timing isn’t the best and I feel ill-equipped to date in my 30’s. The few friends I have discussed this with seem split on whether I should wait or not. Some have told me I need a “rebound” and to not pursue anything serious (one of my close female friends told me this). If any of you have any advice I would appreciate it, I realize this is just a snapshot of the whole situation and only from my perspective.TLDR. Divorced, met someone. She says I need to be single for a while. I’m actually feeling pretty good and want to move the friendship to the next level, but don’t want to scare her off. Advice?