My (30F) mom (65F) is smoking herself to death. How do I get her to open up about this?

My mom is smoking herself to death and I don't know what to do. 

Over the past few years my 65 year old mother, who has smoked cigarettes since she was a teen, has really ramped up her habit. She smokes all day long--cigarettes when she's home, nearly incessant smoke breaks if she's somewhere that won't allow it. As a result, her health has declined to a frightening degree. She has a constant smoker’s cough and she can’t walk more than a very short distance (maybe 30 feet) without becoming completely out of breath, and needing to rest. She starts wheezing after walking even shorter distances. She’s overweight, but I don't think her weight coresponds to her level of disability--it seems to be the result of her not being able to get up and move, rather than the cause. She and my dad have been retired for many years now, and she doesn’t really leave the house anymore. He does all errands and their social life is much smaller (they have a large network of friends in two states and used to get together with them a lot). She says she hates traveling anywhere or going places, but it's obviously her trying to seem like none of this bothers her, and that it's what she really wants.  I can see that her inability to get around scares her too. On a trip to the west coast in Oct. for a wedding (on a smoke break of course), she told me that before the trip she had a nightmare that me and my dad left her by herself, and she didn't know when we were going to come back, and night came and she was scared and alone. It broke my heart. I told her we would never do that to her. She said she told my dad the same dream and he told her "well that just shows you that you need to take better care of yourself so you don't get left". Clearly she was anxious and looking for reassurance and he couldn't even tell. Maybe his cluelessness and lack of emotional IQ is seperate issue though.Since I moved away from home to a different state 7 years ago, my relationship with my parents has changed. They're retired and don't have much to talk about besides TV shows or the rare visit with some of their friends. We've never been good at talking about "real stuff"--struggles or issues in our own lives, but things feel more distant with them than before. I feel like we tip-toe around eachother in an effort to keep things pleasant. It took me weeks to work up the courage to bring any of this up with her after the wedding trip.  Finally I called and told her I was extremely worried about her and that I think her smoking is why she's in poor health. I suggested she switch back to vaping--something she was able to do a few years ago, that improved her lung function quite a bit (her smoker's cough disappeared). I don't believe she'll ever be able to quit completely, I just want her to cut down to a level where she can function. She’s tried to quit smoking so many times over the years, and tried multiple methods, even prescription medication (Chantix), which it turns out she's alergic to. I told her that I love her and care about her and don’t want her to be unhappy, and it seems like she’s unhappy. I cried. She was really uncomfortable having that conversation. She told me not to worry about her, she’s fine, she’d quit smoking (which I didn’t ask her to do), and basically changed the subject as quickly as I’d let her. I visited over Thanksgiving and nothing changed. By evening the air inside the house was so thick it stung my eyes and was hard for me to breath. Everything is so permiated by smoke that it's literally coming out of the vents.I love my mom and I'm deeply worried about her, but I also have a lifetime of anger and resentment over this. I’m angry she smokes in the house all day without regard to anyone else (especially my dad, who doesn’t smoke).  I’m angry that when I was a kid she would smoke in the house and the car with me and would get mad if I asked her to roll the window down past a crack. She still smokes any time she's in a car, I just know better than to say anything now. When I was 14 I had a teacher ask me if I smoked becuase my clothes smelled so smoky. Most of all I'm angry that I'm at an age where my friends are developing adult relationships with their parents where they travel and do fun things together, and all she can do is sit and smoke. I thought that now that I'm a little older we'd be closer but instead it's the exact opposite. I feel like years with her have been stolen, and all I have to look forward to is her health continuing to decline until she's dead. Being angry makes me feel selfish when she’s so sick. I know this is an addiction, and that no one wants to live like this, but I also blame her for letting it get to this point. I tried to talk to her in a positive, afirming way and got no where. Now I want to yell at her for all the second hand smoke I had to breath for 20 years.  I want to tell her all of this but I’m scared that it either wouldn’t matter to her at all and nothing would change, or she’d stop talking to me. My dad is completely checked out and doesn’t know how to talk to her, and she said she went to the doctor and “she’s fine”. 

I'm flying home in a week to have a heart to heart with her to try to find out if there's something else going on with her that would cause her to accelerate her smoking and fall into what seems like a depression. I've compiled a list of therapists in her area that specialize in help with smoking. Any advice on how this conversation should go? My biggest worry is that my anger about all the past shit will come out, and could cause her to shut down.

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**TL;DR: My 65 yr old mom's health is failing due to cigarette smoking. What do I say to her in our first face-to-face convo about this ever, without making it about my anger over her smoking during my childhood?**

Submitted May 25, 2019 at 06:06AM

My mom is smoking herself to death and I don't know what to do. Over the past few years my 65 year old mother, who has smoked cigarettes since she was a teen, has really ramped up her habit. She smokes all day long--cigarettes when she's home, nearly incessant smoke breaks if she's somewhere that won't allow it. As a result, her health has declined to a frightening degree. She has a constant smoker’s cough and she can’t walk more than a very short distance (maybe 30 feet) without becoming completely out of breath, and needing to rest. She starts wheezing after walking even shorter distances. She’s overweight, but I don't think her weight coresponds to her level of disability--it seems to be the result of her not being able to get up and move, rather than the cause. She and my dad have been retired for many years now, and she doesn’t really leave the house anymore. He does all errands and their social life is much smaller (they have a large network of friends in two states and used to get together with them a lot). She says she hates traveling anywhere or going places, but it's obviously her trying to seem like none of this bothers her, and that it's what she really wants.  I can see that her inability to get around scares her too. On a trip to the west coast in Oct. for a wedding (on a smoke break of course), she told me that before the trip she had a nightmare that me and my dad left her by herself, and she didn't know when we were going to come back, and night came and she was scared and alone. It broke my heart. I told her we would never do that to her. She said she told my dad the same dream and he told her "well that just shows you that you need to take better care of yourself so you don't get left". Clearly she was anxious and looking for reassurance and he couldn't even tell. Maybe his cluelessness and lack of emotional IQ is seperate issue though.Since I moved away from home to a different state 7 years ago, my relationship with my parents has changed. They're retired and don't have much to talk about besides TV shows or the rare visit with some of their friends. We've never been good at talking about "real stuff"--struggles or issues in our own lives, but things feel more distant with them than before. I feel like we tip-toe around eachother in an effort to keep things pleasant. It took me weeks to work up the courage to bring any of this up with her after the wedding trip.  Finally I called and told her I was extremely worried about her and that I think her smoking is why she's in poor health. I suggested she switch back to vaping--something she was able to do a few years ago, that improved her lung function quite a bit (her smoker's cough disappeared). I don't believe she'll ever be able to quit completely, I just want her to cut down to a level where she can function. She’s tried to quit smoking so many times over the years, and tried multiple methods, even prescription medication (Chantix), which it turns out she's alergic to. I told her that I love her and care about her and don’t want her to be unhappy, and it seems like she’s unhappy. I cried. She was really uncomfortable having that conversation. She told me not to worry about her, she’s fine, she’d quit smoking (which I didn’t ask her to do), and basically changed the subject as quickly as I’d let her. I visited over Thanksgiving and nothing changed. By evening the air inside the house was so thick it stung my eyes and was hard for me to breath. Everything is so permiated by smoke that it's literally coming out of the vents.I love my mom and I'm deeply worried about her, but I also have a lifetime of anger and resentment over this. I’m angry she smokes in the house all day without regard to anyone else (especially my dad, who doesn’t smoke).  I’m angry that when I was a kid she would smoke in the house and the car with me and would get mad if I asked her to roll the window down past a crack. She still smokes any time she's in a car, I just know better than to say anything now. When I was 14 I had a teacher ask me if I smoked becuase my clothes smelled so smoky. Most of all I'm angry that I'm at an age where my friends are developing adult relationships with their parents where they travel and do fun things together, and all she can do is sit and smoke. I thought that now that I'm a little older we'd be closer but instead it's the exact opposite. I feel like years with her have been stolen, and all I have to look forward to is her health continuing to decline until she's dead. Being angry makes me feel selfish when she’s so sick. I know this is an addiction, and that no one wants to live like this, but I also blame her for letting it get to this point. I tried to talk to her in a positive, afirming way and got no where. Now I want to yell at her for all the second hand smoke I had to breath for 20 years.  I want to tell her all of this but I’m scared that it either wouldn’t matter to her at all and nothing would change, or she’d stop talking to me. My dad is completely checked out and doesn’t know how to talk to her, and she said she went to the doctor and “she’s fine”. I'm flying home in a week to have a heart to heart with her to try to find out if there's something else going on with her that would cause her to accelerate her smoking and fall into what seems like a depression. I've compiled a list of therapists in her area that specialize in help with smoking. Any advice on how this conversation should go? My biggest worry is that my anger about all the past shit will come out, and could cause her to shut down.​**TL;DR: My 65 yr old mom's health is failing due to cigarette smoking. What do I say to her in our first face-to-face convo about this ever, without making it about my anger over her smoking during my childhood?**