Not sure what to do...conflicts of the heart and mind

I've posted in several different threads about my issues with my wife based off of years of depression, anger and lies on my part. I'm not blaming anyone but myself.

I started getting the help I greatly needed over 6 months ago, and i have felt a huge change in my demeanor and actions.

It's been 3 years since my wife I have been intimate. I brought up to her recently that I want things to change. That I want our relationship to get back to the level we were at and then even better. She tells me she cant be with someone who yelled and has fits of anger and what not. I'm paraphrasing, but I hope I'm getting the point across.

I bring up that I dont feel the same as I did for those couple years that I was battling my own issues with depression and self worth that were turned outward into anger and outbursts. I'm not making excuses. I take full responsibility for my actions and I know I have to live with them and live them down. She tells me she cant forget what was done. Fine...I can understand that. I bring up that even though she cant forget, and I'm not asking her to do so, but there has to be some form or level of forgiveness there, right? No answer...no emotion...just blank I tell her how I feel. That I love her and always will love her, but I need things to be different. I cant continue to live the way we do. To parent our 3 kids and not be together as a couple. And I'm not insinuating sex or anything, but the little things like being around each other, conversations that arent laced with contempt or hatred or annoyance. I'm on the road a lot with my job as a truck driver, so I'm not home all that much. She drops hints that she wishes I was back home to help with the kids. I ask is that the only reason? No answer

So my conflict is that my heart tells me to stay. Keep focusing on my kids and making myself happy and healthy. But I miss her.

My head tells me to leave. That if she wants to stay together and work on things, it will happen. If not, you're not doing yourself any favors staying and you're not helping the kids by continuing to be in a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and what a real couple need. Love and understanding.

I'm not sure what to do.

I cant continue to live like I have. I drive myself nuts on the road worrying about everything with her. At the same time, I love her deeply as we have been together since we were 18(were both not 35. Been married for 10 years). Any and all advice is helpful. I plan to bring it all up with my therapist as well. Maybe I can find some splice soon with all of this.

Thanks

Submitted May 08, 2019 at 03:32PM

I've posted in several different threads about my issues with my wife based off of years of depression, anger and lies on my part. I'm not blaming anyone but myself.I started getting the help I greatly needed over 6 months ago, and i have felt a huge change in my demeanor and actions.It's been 3 years since my wife I have been intimate. I brought up to her recently that I want things to change. That I want our relationship to get back to the level we were at and then even better. She tells me she cant be with someone who yelled and has fits of anger and what not. I'm paraphrasing, but I hope I'm getting the point across.I bring up that I dont feel the same as I did for those couple years that I was battling my own issues with depression and self worth that were turned outward into anger and outbursts. I'm not making excuses. I take full responsibility for my actions and I know I have to live with them and live them down. She tells me she cant forget what was done. Fine...I can understand that. I bring up that even though she cant forget, and I'm not asking her to do so, but there has to be some form or level of forgiveness there, right? No answer...no emotion...just blank I tell her how I feel. That I love her and always will love her, but I need things to be different. I cant continue to live the way we do. To parent our 3 kids and not be together as a couple. And I'm not insinuating sex or anything, but the little things like being around each other, conversations that arent laced with contempt or hatred or annoyance. I'm on the road a lot with my job as a truck driver, so I'm not home all that much. She drops hints that she wishes I was back home to help with the kids. I ask is that the only reason? No answerSo my conflict is that my heart tells me to stay. Keep focusing on my kids and making myself happy and healthy. But I miss her.My head tells me to leave. That if she wants to stay together and work on things, it will happen. If not, you're not doing yourself any favors staying and you're not helping the kids by continuing to be in a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and what a real couple need. Love and understanding.I'm not sure what to do.I cant continue to live like I have. I drive myself nuts on the road worrying about everything with her. At the same time, I love her deeply as we have been together since we were 18(were both not 35. Been married for 10 years). Any and all advice is helpful. I plan to bring it all up with my therapist as well. Maybe I can find some splice soon with all of this.Thanks