How do you deal with sadness over a breakup on "one of those days"?

I (female, mid-30s-ish) got out of a LTR a few months ago. It was a dead bedroom one, with other incompatibilities, but other than than he was a great guy and I still think very highly of him. The breakup was in the best terms possible, no resentment of bad feelings, just understanding this is the right thing for both of us and we just won't get what we want from a RS at the end so it's best to part ways now (this was after several years together).

For the past couple of weeks I've gone out with several guys, thinking I'm ready for a new RS since in my previous one it's been "bad" for a long time, so the process of realizing it's coming and adjusting in a way has begun long before the actual breakup. None of these dates developed into something meaningful, though I was kind of into the first guy I dated, and it was nice to discover I'm capable of that so soon after the end of my RS. With another guy I've been meeting pretty regularly but the focus is rather physical (even though it's not detached, we do talk about intimate things, but it's not a LTR potential for various reasons I won't get into).

Today's kind of a holiday in my country (not US-based), which makes the loneliness feel VERY pronounced. I have vivid memories of what I did with my ex last year this time, which was really nice. I know why we're not together, but these days are making me dwell on all the good things that I've lost and I can't "feel" the reasons we broke up, other than just thinking and knowing what they were. I'm also having a hard time with the guy I've been seeing; the "intimacy" is so superficial in comparison to what I had is making me feel empty at times. But I don't want to end it, as the physicality (which is really great with him, in a non-just-sex kind of way) is also something I've been missing for a very long time, and I feel I have to "get it out of my system" before really focusing on finding something serious. And maybe I'm emotionally not really ready for the next chapter, I don't even know.

All the while I'm finding myself thinking about where I thought I'd be in a couple of years just a few months ago (family, etc.), and the dissonance between that picture and where I am now (starting over romantically, family seems like it's years away) really scares me. I have a hard time meeting men to whom I'm attracted and by whom I'm intellectually stimulated (and they need to be kind people as well obviously...), so whenever I think about the future I'm really daunted, and it's easier to focus on fulfilling my physical needs rather than my emotional ones.

Today the guy I'm seeing was at my place, we had coffee in my living room which has a lot of natural light and then I turned one of the lights on b/c it was slightly darker outside for a moment. New guy didn't notice I did it intentionally and turned it off a few mins after, saying he thought it's nicer like this, which is what always happened with my ex. This made me really sad and miss my ex (I didn't say anything to the guy though, and he left shortly after).

Not really sure how to make sense of the confusion I'm experiencing, I don't know how to tell whether dating is even right for me now (hooking up or seriously), but I know I need something to think about and don't want to lay on the couch and dredge up old memories (or new...) of my previous RS and make myself ruminate and suffer. I know why it ended, it was the right thing for sure, do I really need to make myself think about it more and more to be ready for the next thing? I haven't suppressed it or anything, but people have been rather shocked by how well I'm coping with it all, which sometimes makes me wonder if I haven't properly dealt with it.

Any advice or sharing your similar experiences would be appreciated. Thank you.

Submitted May 08, 2019 at 02:26PM

I (female, mid-30s-ish) got out of a LTR a few months ago. It was a dead bedroom one, with other incompatibilities, but other than than he was a great guy and I still think very highly of him. The breakup was in the best terms possible, no resentment of bad feelings, just understanding this is the right thing for both of us and we just won't get what we want from a RS at the end so it's best to part ways now (this was after several years together).For the past couple of weeks I've gone out with several guys, thinking I'm ready for a new RS since in my previous one it's been "bad" for a long time, so the process of realizing it's coming and adjusting in a way has begun long before the actual breakup. None of these dates developed into something meaningful, though I was kind of into the first guy I dated, and it was nice to discover I'm capable of that so soon after the end of my RS. With another guy I've been meeting pretty regularly but the focus is rather physical (even though it's not detached, we do talk about intimate things, but it's not a LTR potential for various reasons I won't get into).Today's kind of a holiday in my country (not US-based), which makes the loneliness feel VERY pronounced. I have vivid memories of what I did with my ex last year this time, which was really nice. I know why we're not together, but these days are making me dwell on all the good things that I've lost and I can't "feel" the reasons we broke up, other than just thinking and knowing what they were. I'm also having a hard time with the guy I've been seeing; the "intimacy" is so superficial in comparison to what I had is making me feel empty at times. But I don't want to end it, as the physicality (which is really great with him, in a non-just-sex kind of way) is also something I've been missing for a very long time, and I feel I have to "get it out of my system" before really focusing on finding something serious. And maybe I'm emotionally not really ready for the next chapter, I don't even know.All the while I'm finding myself thinking about where I thought I'd be in a couple of years just a few months ago (family, etc.), and the dissonance between that picture and where I am now (starting over romantically, family seems like it's years away) really scares me. I have a hard time meeting men to whom I'm attracted and by whom I'm intellectually stimulated (and they need to be kind people as well obviously...), so whenever I think about the future I'm really daunted, and it's easier to focus on fulfilling my physical needs rather than my emotional ones.Today the guy I'm seeing was at my place, we had coffee in my living room which has a lot of natural light and then I turned one of the lights on b/c it was slightly darker outside for a moment. New guy didn't notice I did it intentionally and turned it off a few mins after, saying he thought it's nicer like this, which is what always happened with my ex. This made me really sad and miss my ex (I didn't say anything to the guy though, and he left shortly after).Not really sure how to make sense of the confusion I'm experiencing, I don't know how to tell whether dating is even right for me now (hooking up or seriously), but I know I need something to think about and don't want to lay on the couch and dredge up old memories (or new...) of my previous RS and make myself ruminate and suffer. I know why it ended, it was the right thing for sure, do I really need to make myself think about it more and more to be ready for the next thing? I haven't suppressed it or anything, but people have been rather shocked by how well I'm coping with it all, which sometimes makes me wonder if I haven't properly dealt with it.Any advice or sharing your similar experiences would be appreciated. Thank you.