Depression: Anyone had a spouse who blamed you for all the problems? need female's pov

TLDR; my spouse has lately been very up and down. Sometimes saying really negative and explosive things to me like i hate you, i want a divorce, this is all your fault, its so unfair to me. And on other days, I really appreciate your support and kindness! I wonder there is more to this than just our past fights, like her issues with her menstrual cycle, the environment she grew up in, etc. Can anyone with a similar experience share?

I noticed my spouse had depression around January or February, but some common friends think it happened earlier.

my spouse rarely smiles, feels like she's in a dark cage all the time, either doesnt want to go out, or goes out alone. Feels no one understands her. never looks forward to the day, and has had occasional suicidal thoughts. we are living separately due to work issues.

Recently i felt it went up another level. She sent me an email at 4am, about her future business trip. we chatted about it during lunch break. I asked her why she sent it at 4 and if she was sleeping well. She said no, she had a nightmare about us fighting again. I told her our fights were in the past..then she suddenly exploded.. said its all my fault, her irregular periods are my fault, everything is unfair.

I also texted daily messages telling her good luck at work and stuff in order to lift her spirits. She told me she feels uncomfortable and to stop and be my natural self.. which she later said.. an evil horrible person.
she claimed i did all these things i dont do. like hit people. I tried to defend myself and that made her angrier, leading to demands for a divorce and threatening to go to court and tell them I caused her health issues. I then switched the convo back to her business trip and she told me she refuses my support and ended the chat.

the very next day I get new emails about her trip, and new texts seeking for travel advice. also texts appreciating my kindness etc.

I dont know how to approach this anymore. I know its her depression saying all these negative things, but they're pretty hurtful.

I also started realizing it could be connected to other issues. Is the depression caused by her menstrual issues or vice versa?

we had a few fights in our 5 years (I counted about 20 to 30 arguments which I kept in my own diary). I never hit her or called her horrible names. Mostly a lot of arguments over responsibilities, expectations, etc. I also get grouchy and impatient at times, so she reads that atmosphere. However I feel I've honestly made big improvements in reducing them. I also had a rule to end every argument within the same day so we can start the next day anew. Even during our arguments Ive always did my best to take care of her, such as making hot baths and cooking dinner when she comes home late from work, listening to all her problems with her family life, etc.

I feel she is connecting our fights with those of her parents. Her dad and mom hate each other. The dad has beaten the mom before and broke her ribs. He also had an affair with a waitress and my spouse caught them together at their house when she was a kid. But the mom is also pretty horrible. Non stop yelling, negativity and trash talk that drives everyone away. Every time my spouse visits home, she would return the very next day, crying because she cant handle that environment. Her sister does the same!

My spouse also has few friends because her mom forbade her to watch movies, play games, or do anything not related to studying. As she was an obedient child, she just stayed home all day studying to get into the top university (which she couldn't do and had to settle for the second best.. and mom still disappointed). As a result she has very few childhood friends. just a lot of acquaintances shed go out at parties, but no one really close to talk personal problems with. Its just me and her sister that she can talk to.. the problem is she considers me the problem during her depressive moods, and her sister.. well they love each other, but the sister will prioritize her own studies or boyfriend chasing and puts her sister a distant third.

Has anyone been in this situation?

A few of my friends suggested to accept the divorce, and move on as I'm still in my 30s, as they fear her depression might be deeper than we thought, and are worried about how it will affect my own mental health.

Honestly I feel guilty doing that, divorcing and finding greener pastures, while she is left behind suffering. I want us to go back to the old days.

Submitted May 08, 2019 at 02:54PM

TLDR; my spouse has lately been very up and down. Sometimes saying really negative and explosive things to me like i hate you, i want a divorce, this is all your fault, its so unfair to me. And on other days, I really appreciate your support and kindness! I wonder there is more to this than just our past fights, like her issues with her menstrual cycle, the environment she grew up in, etc. Can anyone with a similar experience share?I noticed my spouse had depression around January or February, but some common friends think it happened earlier.my spouse rarely smiles, feels like she's in a dark cage all the time, either doesnt want to go out, or goes out alone. Feels no one understands her. never looks forward to the day, and has had occasional suicidal thoughts. we are living separately due to work issues.Recently i felt it went up another level. She sent me an email at 4am, about her future business trip. we chatted about it during lunch break. I asked her why she sent it at 4 and if she was sleeping well. She said no, she had a nightmare about us fighting again. I told her our fights were in the past..then she suddenly exploded.. said its all my fault, her irregular periods are my fault, everything is unfair.I also texted daily messages telling her good luck at work and stuff in order to lift her spirits. She told me she feels uncomfortable and to stop and be my natural self.. which she later said.. an evil horrible person.she claimed i did all these things i dont do. like hit people. I tried to defend myself and that made her angrier, leading to demands for a divorce and threatening to go to court and tell them I caused her health issues. I then switched the convo back to her business trip and she told me she refuses my support and ended the chat.the very next day I get new emails about her trip, and new texts seeking for travel advice. also texts appreciating my kindness etc.I dont know how to approach this anymore. I know its her depression saying all these negative things, but they're pretty hurtful.I also started realizing it could be connected to other issues. Is the depression caused by her menstrual issues or vice versa?we had a few fights in our 5 years (I counted about 20 to 30 arguments which I kept in my own diary). I never hit her or called her horrible names. Mostly a lot of arguments over responsibilities, expectations, etc. I also get grouchy and impatient at times, so she reads that atmosphere. However I feel I've honestly made big improvements in reducing them. I also had a rule to end every argument within the same day so we can start the next day anew. Even during our arguments Ive always did my best to take care of her, such as making hot baths and cooking dinner when she comes home late from work, listening to all her problems with her family life, etc.I feel she is connecting our fights with those of her parents. Her dad and mom hate each other. The dad has beaten the mom before and broke her ribs. He also had an affair with a waitress and my spouse caught them together at their house when she was a kid. But the mom is also pretty horrible. Non stop yelling, negativity and trash talk that drives everyone away. Every time my spouse visits home, she would return the very next day, crying because she cant handle that environment. Her sister does the same!My spouse also has few friends because her mom forbade her to watch movies, play games, or do anything not related to studying. As she was an obedient child, she just stayed home all day studying to get into the top university (which she couldn't do and had to settle for the second best.. and mom still disappointed). As a result she has very few childhood friends. just a lot of acquaintances shed go out at parties, but no one really close to talk personal problems with. Its just me and her sister that she can talk to.. the problem is she considers me the problem during her depressive moods, and her sister.. well they love each other, but the sister will prioritize her own studies or boyfriend chasing and puts her sister a distant third.Has anyone been in this situation?A few of my friends suggested to accept the divorce, and move on as I'm still in my 30s, as they fear her depression might be deeper than we thought, and are worried about how it will affect my own mental health.Honestly I feel guilty doing that, divorcing and finding greener pastures, while she is left behind suffering. I want us to go back to the old days.