Communication Issue or something else? Help!

My husband is a very positive person. He usually always sees the good in every person and situation and I’m pretty much the complete opposite. I tend to over think everything and constantly weigh the pros and cons of every situation I’m in. Though, I usually tend to focus more on the cons rather than the pros, which I know is exhausting for him. Anyway, this becomes a major problem when we communicate about some issues. We end up fighting because I feel like he completely dismisses/invalidates my fears and concerns. I end up feeling like I shouldn’t feel the way I feel and it leaves me frustrated and feeling alone. On the other hand, he feels like I only look at the negative side of things and doesn’t understand why I can’t see the positive side, which also leaves him frustrated. I feel like we’re on two separate pages and just aren’t understanding each other.

Example I’m 22 weeks pregnant and I was feeling down about my changing body and weight gain. He asked me what was wrong and I told him it’s extremely hard to see yourself getting bigger knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. And how it’d be a lot easier if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Just seeing an end in sight would help me push through, but even after I give birth I have no idea if I’m ever going to like my body again or if it’s ever going to go back to how it was. I do plan on dieting and exercising after my baby is born but I’ve heard that most women’s bodies are not the same after pregnancy and some women just don’t lose the baby weight. And even if they do get down to their pre pregnancy weight some have loose skin, stretch marks, wider hips, their breasts are different, etc. Deep down I know my body created a life and all of these things shouldn’t matter. It’s just, I enjoyed my body before baby and it’s hard knowing that I may never get that back. Then my husband replies with “you don’t know you won’t get it back. You will and you can. All you have to do is eat right and exercise. There are tons of women who look just like they did before they were pregnant. Or who knows? You may even like your body better than before. All those women that didn’t lose the weight probably just didn’t work hard enough. If you start by changing your diet now and eating right then the weight will be easier to lose.” While all of these things could be true, I’m left frustrated because it feels like he just completely dismissed and invalidated how I feel. And if I try to counter any of that with a “but maybe not” he gets frustrated that I always look at the negative side of things and we just go round and round until we end up fighting. I understand that dealing with a person who deals with depression and is constantly negative is exhausting, but sometimes all I’m looking for is for him to say I understand and it’s okay to feel that way and I’m here for you.

This is just one of many examples and it’s been a pretty major contributor to many of our fights. I’m thinking it’s just a communication issue but, I don’t know, maybe it’s something else? How can we have good conversations about these kind of topics without getting frustrated?

TLDR; I feel like Husband dismisses/invalidates my fears and concerns by looking on the bright side of things all the time, and he feels like I only look at the negative side of things. How do we have good conversations without getting frustrated?

Submitted May 09, 2019 at 03:50AM

My husband is a very positive person. He usually always sees the good in every person and situation and I’m pretty much the complete opposite. I tend to over think everything and constantly weigh the pros and cons of every situation I’m in. Though, I usually tend to focus more on the cons rather than the pros, which I know is exhausting for him. Anyway, this becomes a major problem when we communicate about some issues. We end up fighting because I feel like he completely dismisses/invalidates my fears and concerns. I end up feeling like I shouldn’t feel the way I feel and it leaves me frustrated and feeling alone. On the other hand, he feels like I only look at the negative side of things and doesn’t understand why I can’t see the positive side, which also leaves him frustrated. I feel like we’re on two separate pages and just aren’t understanding each other.Example I’m 22 weeks pregnant and I was feeling down about my changing body and weight gain. He asked me what was wrong and I told him it’s extremely hard to see yourself getting bigger knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. And how it’d be a lot easier if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Just seeing an end in sight would help me push through, but even after I give birth I have no idea if I’m ever going to like my body again or if it’s ever going to go back to how it was. I do plan on dieting and exercising after my baby is born but I’ve heard that most women’s bodies are not the same after pregnancy and some women just don’t lose the baby weight. And even if they do get down to their pre pregnancy weight some have loose skin, stretch marks, wider hips, their breasts are different, etc. Deep down I know my body created a life and all of these things shouldn’t matter. It’s just, I enjoyed my body before baby and it’s hard knowing that I may never get that back. Then my husband replies with “you don’t know you won’t get it back. You will and you can. All you have to do is eat right and exercise. There are tons of women who look just like they did before they were pregnant. Or who knows? You may even like your body better than before. All those women that didn’t lose the weight probably just didn’t work hard enough. If you start by changing your diet now and eating right then the weight will be easier to lose.” While all of these things could be true, I’m left frustrated because it feels like he just completely dismissed and invalidated how I feel. And if I try to counter any of that with a “but maybe not” he gets frustrated that I always look at the negative side of things and we just go round and round until we end up fighting. I understand that dealing with a person who deals with depression and is constantly negative is exhausting, but sometimes all I’m looking for is for him to say I understand and it’s okay to feel that way and I’m here for you.This is just one of many examples and it’s been a pretty major contributor to many of our fights. I’m thinking it’s just a communication issue but, I don’t know, maybe it’s something else? How can we have good conversations about these kind of topics without getting frustrated?TLDR; I feel like Husband dismisses/invalidates my fears and concerns by looking on the bright side of things all the time, and he feels like I only look at the negative side of things. How do we have good conversations without getting frustrated?