An issue developed over time...

My wife and I are in marriage therapy. It's one step forward, and two steps back.

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I've never been the most social person, and my wife is. So, something odd has developed in our relationship. Since our kids (6&8)were born, my wife has been going out with friends. At first, it was going to friends houses, sometimes with the kids. Then she would drop the kids off at home and I'd watch them and she would go back out. Have a few drinks and relax with friends. I'd say it was happening 1-2 days a week. So an odd thing happened, and this particular friend decided she no longer wanted to be friends with my wife. I don't quite understand why, but ok.

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Last summer, my wife meets some new friends and begins hanging out with them. It seems like they really like going out late and to the bar. Since I work on the weekends, I typically want to be home before midnight. My wife and I used to go to concerts and she wanted to go to one again to rekindle. We saw our friends there, and after the concert, they wanted to go out. This is too early for my wife to go home, so she had me drop her off at the bar with friends after. She was going to find a ride home. The same happened after one of their birthday parties, but my wife basically said "I"ll meet you at home in 5 minutes." Then went out to the bar with her friends.

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So stuff like this happened a few more times. Some where she didn't end up coming home until the morning. So I basically told her I'm not comfortable with any of it, but she needs to be social. I don't think it's fair to tell her not to go out. But it bothers me when she stays till the bar closes. She's also been kind of hiding the fact that shes going to the bar. For example, yesterday was a school cocktail party for my kids school. We couldn't get a babysitter, but she still wanted to go. I said fine, then I asked what time it ends. She said it ends at 8pm, but it's at the bar. I got the hint and she stayed until 2:20am.

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A few weeks back, my wife asked if my parents could watch the kids. I asked them and they agreed. I called my wife to tell her and she wanted to find a way to get them dropped off earlier so she could have her nails done. I told her to arrange it if possible. I had already made all sorts of calls and plans to make it happen. I also told her I had something to do that would take an hour. After I finished my thing, I said "where are we going?". She no longer wanted to go out. The next day, I come to find out that she asked her friend to go out to the bar with her and she said no. An hour later she didn't want to go out with me.

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Amidst all of this, my wife is really unhappy with me work schedule. I'm a manager and on occasion need to work a day off. I love my schedule and since my kids were born, took an extra day off and work just about 40 hours a week. She calls me and asks if I can come home early. Gets mad when I cant and goes off on my and my family with insults. Asks me to pickup my kids on the days I can't leave early.

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I literally cant take this anymore. I keep saying I need to let this stuff roll off me, but it's tiring. I've continued to try and be the better person and suggest activities for us and the kids. But, the resentments are building. I'm having trouble sleeping and if I stop actively saying to myself "calm down, let it roll off you", then I'll start getting angry and create more issues.

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I've tried asking her what time shes going to come home, but she doesn't know. The therapist said it was a fair question, but she wont answer. She goes out about once a week. Sometimes she'll come home at 11pm. Sometimes she'll stay out late. There's just no telling.

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EDIT: OK. Had my wife read the post and she says it's one sided. She says for the last 10 years, I have been encouraging her to go out with friends. This is true to some extent. I don't really enjoy going to the bar, so when she wants to go, staying home and watching the kids is a convenient excuse.

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I guess part of me thought people mature out of wanting to go to the bar. I know I did as soon as I got a house and had kids. My wife didn't. Her family were bar people, mine weren't.

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Sitting at a bar for longer then I'm at work for, that's torture to me.

Submitted May 08, 2019 at 01:37PM

My wife and I are in marriage therapy. It's one step forward, and two steps back.​I've never been the most social person, and my wife is. So, something odd has developed in our relationship. Since our kids (6&8)were born, my wife has been going out with friends. At first, it was going to friends houses, sometimes with the kids. Then she would drop the kids off at home and I'd watch them and she would go back out. Have a few drinks and relax with friends. I'd say it was happening 1-2 days a week. So an odd thing happened, and this particular friend decided she no longer wanted to be friends with my wife. I don't quite understand why, but ok.​Last summer, my wife meets some new friends and begins hanging out with them. It seems like they really like going out late and to the bar. Since I work on the weekends, I typically want to be home before midnight. My wife and I used to go to concerts and she wanted to go to one again to rekindle. We saw our friends there, and after the concert, they wanted to go out. This is too early for my wife to go home, so she had me drop her off at the bar with friends after. She was going to find a ride home. The same happened after one of their birthday parties, but my wife basically said "I"ll meet you at home in 5 minutes." Then went out to the bar with her friends.​So stuff like this happened a few more times. Some where she didn't end up coming home until the morning. So I basically told her I'm not comfortable with any of it, but she needs to be social. I don't think it's fair to tell her not to go out. But it bothers me when she stays till the bar closes. She's also been kind of hiding the fact that shes going to the bar. For example, yesterday was a school cocktail party for my kids school. We couldn't get a babysitter, but she still wanted to go. I said fine, then I asked what time it ends. She said it ends at 8pm, but it's at the bar. I got the hint and she stayed until 2:20am.​A few weeks back, my wife asked if my parents could watch the kids. I asked them and they agreed. I called my wife to tell her and she wanted to find a way to get them dropped off earlier so she could have her nails done. I told her to arrange it if possible. I had already made all sorts of calls and plans to make it happen. I also told her I had something to do that would take an hour. After I finished my thing, I said "where are we going?". She no longer wanted to go out. The next day, I come to find out that she asked her friend to go out to the bar with her and she said no. An hour later she didn't want to go out with me.​Amidst all of this, my wife is really unhappy with me work schedule. I'm a manager and on occasion need to work a day off. I love my schedule and since my kids were born, took an extra day off and work just about 40 hours a week. She calls me and asks if I can come home early. Gets mad when I cant and goes off on my and my family with insults. Asks me to pickup my kids on the days I can't leave early.​I literally cant take this anymore. I keep saying I need to let this stuff roll off me, but it's tiring. I've continued to try and be the better person and suggest activities for us and the kids. But, the resentments are building. I'm having trouble sleeping and if I stop actively saying to myself "calm down, let it roll off you", then I'll start getting angry and create more issues.​I've tried asking her what time shes going to come home, but she doesn't know. The therapist said it was a fair question, but she wont answer. She goes out about once a week. Sometimes she'll come home at 11pm. Sometimes she'll stay out late. There's just no telling.​EDIT: OK. Had my wife read the post and she says it's one sided. She says for the last 10 years, I have been encouraging her to go out with friends. This is true to some extent. I don't really enjoy going to the bar, so when she wants to go, staying home and watching the kids is a convenient excuse.​I guess part of me thought people mature out of wanting to go to the bar. I know I did as soon as I got a house and had kids. My wife didn't. Her family were bar people, mine weren't.​Sitting at a bar for longer then I'm at work for, that's torture to me.