As an absolute beginner at 36M, is there a "best" way to start approaching dating?

As the title says I'm 36, male, and an absolute beginner to the dating world.

Throughout my childhood there was a great deal of physical and sexual abuse, and that resulted in a total rejection of sexuality and closeness with others. Years of trauma therapy later I've arrived at a place where I can finally trust people again. With that change there have been times when I have felt like companionship would be nice, since I have never experienced a relationship where you can feel physically safe and emotionally close.

I am still working through the traumas and PTSD issues so I'm not ready to take the leap just yet, but I'm wondering if/when I do reach that point what my best route would be.

I am absolutely not looking for hookups or anything like that. I would need time to get to know the other person and grow safe with them before something as basic as a hug or holding hands would be possible. Being in the abusive situations makes up my entire experience with sex and sexuality, so touch and contact really require a lot of trust to do. I've never even willingly held hands or kissed someone, so when I say I'm an absolute beginner I really mean it. Everything from what to do on dates, to how to approach someone, to healthy intimacy are totally foreign concepts. Honestly I think my relationships would be more like friendships than whatever dating partners are like together. I've never even looked at anyone as a romantic interest before.

Along with the challenges I've described above I'm also not what many people would be looking for appearance, personality, and life-wise. With the PTSD and general anxiety issues I'm fairly quiet, not hugely social, and I'm a very short guy. Despite the height I have been asked out by multiple people in the past (never accepted) so I know there are people out there who don't care about that, and frankly I don't much care about it myself, but I know it will be a limiting factor to some. A last mention would be that my finances aren't that great due to having spent a decade on disability for crippling PTSD, which got in the way of working for those years. I don't have any debt, and I have a nice (small) apartment, but I'm building up my savings so I don't have a lot of disposable income to blow going out for dinners or nights downtown.

With all that in mind, aside from chance meetings would there realistically be any viable ways to approach finding companionship for someone in my shoes?



Submitted May 08, 2019 at 08:32AM

As the title says I'm 36, male, and an absolute beginner to the dating world.Throughout my childhood there was a great deal of physical and sexual abuse, and that resulted in a total rejection of sexuality and closeness with others. Years of trauma therapy later I've arrived at a place where I can finally trust people again. With that change there have been times when I have felt like companionship would be nice, since I have never experienced a relationship where you can feel physically safe and emotionally close.I am still working through the traumas and PTSD issues so I'm not ready to take the leap just yet, but I'm wondering if/when I do reach that point what my best route would be.I am absolutely not looking for hookups or anything like that. I would need time to get to know the other person and grow safe with them before something as basic as a hug or holding hands would be possible. Being in the abusive situations makes up my entire experience with sex and sexuality, so touch and contact really require a lot of trust to do. I've never even willingly held hands or kissed someone, so when I say I'm an absolute beginner I really mean it. Everything from what to do on dates, to how to approach someone, to healthy intimacy are totally foreign concepts. Honestly I think my relationships would be more like friendships than whatever dating partners are like together. I've never even looked at anyone as a romantic interest before.Along with the challenges I've described above I'm also not what many people would be looking for appearance, personality, and life-wise. With the PTSD and general anxiety issues I'm fairly quiet, not hugely social, and I'm a very short guy. Despite the height I have been asked out by multiple people in the past (never accepted) so I know there are people out there who don't care about that, and frankly I don't much care about it myself, but I know it will be a limiting factor to some. A last mention would be that my finances aren't that great due to having spent a decade on disability for crippling PTSD, which got in the way of working for those years. I don't have any debt, and I have a nice (small) apartment, but I'm building up my savings so I don't have a lot of disposable income to blow going out for dinners or nights downtown.With all that in mind, aside from chance meetings would there realistically be any viable ways to approach finding companionship for someone in my shoes?
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