I'm thankful for my life

I have been married to my husband for over 11 years, been together for almost 18...since I was 18. Gosh that sounds like such a long time! And it really has been. Long and hard and honestly we shouldn't have made it this far with how hard and unhealthy our marriage was for so long.

Last summer a couple things happened - not big just like "the final straw" kinda things and I moved out into my parents house with our daughter. I couldn't handle the fighting, disrespect, sadness, stress...and having our daughter see it and seeing that it visibly bothered her was so hard. This was the last week of August. 1 week before our 11th anniversary. I stayed there for as long as I could handle it, but as much as I absolutely love my parents, it was hard on all of us living together. Things still weren't improving in my marriage despite trying to have talks and work thru things ourselves. I had asked for marriage counseling for years, and finally stating that I would not return home without it, and without seeing progress from it.

I came across a really great little apartment for SO cheap and decided to rent it (no deposit, no lease) and the day I told my husband this, is the day he said he would finally attend counseling with me. This was in November. It took a little bit to find one that had evening hours and that seemed to fit our needs. We started in December. We both realized a lot of ways we were contributing to the dysfunction. I think we each made some good progress in reconciling the ways we had hurt each other, but still I felt so distant...the love wasn't there. We kept bumping heads about me moving home. I didn't want to return home until I started seeing love and affection...he insisted he couldn't show me these things without me being home and seeing me on a regular basis. It was so frustrating!

We finally had a couple big fights and I said that's it. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. He felt the same. Then he talked with his sister and I don't know everything they talked about but she did tell me a little bit and it seemed he really opened up and realized some resentment he had been holding with me over things that happened years ago.

We got together for one more talk and it was like...night and day. We communicated. We talked about our resentments and hurts and listened and apologized to each other and it just was DIFFERENT somehow. We had such an amazing and open evening, and some of the best sex we have ever had (in my opinion). I stood in the kitchen doing something and he came behind me and hugged me and rubbed my shoulders for the first time in...forever maybe? I felt so connected. But still extremely cautious.

I decided I would take a leap of faith and move home and trust that he was going to continue down this good path. And the past 5 or 6 weeks have been like I'm living with a totally different person. Don't get me wrong. None of our problems were 100% him. But I met my threshold for the dysfunction before he did and started individual therapy trying to be healthier almost a year ago now. So while I still was struggling, I was trying to be better. It's so refreshing that he is also trying now too. We spend time together, we have computer-free evenings (almost) every night until after our daughter is in bed. We do her bedtime together every single night. We have a date night every Wednesday (after counseling if we've had it, and instead of counseling if we dont have it) and even tho we aren't going somewhere every week, the alone time is great. My daughter stays at my parents for the night and loves it.

We have been talking about our day, hobbies, life, politics, tv shows, everything much more than ever before. We have had a few disagreements and irritations as to be expected, but we are WORKING THRU THEM the same day. It feels amazing. Nothing is getting blown out of proportion because it's being resolved! He makes a lot more money than me and has always been pretty tight with it (we keep separate finances because it works much easier that way) and has even offered me a really good chunk to go towards something I've been saving for which is...like so surprising and big.

Guys - I know not every relationship can be salvaged. Some absolutely shouldn't be. 8 or 9 months ago, I was 99% sure we'd end up divorcing because that's just how awful it was. But please - put in the effort. Love each other. Love is an action. A verb. It is actively choosing to be with your partner. It is listening to them and responding with encouragement after a shitty day at work. It is sitting with them while the kid is tantruming instead of closing the office door to muffle the noise. It is coming home and greeting each other, taking time out of the week to intentionally spend time with each other. It's goofing around in the kitchen and slapping their butt while they cook. It is knowing they mean enough to you to admit when you're wrong and want to fix things. It is not dismissing each other's feelings.

Put in the effort before you call it quits. I'm so thankful we did. I don't think I've ever felt this content and at peace and safe in our whole relationship.

Submitted May 08, 2019 at 08:21PM

I have been married to my husband for over 11 years, been together for almost 18...since I was 18. Gosh that sounds like such a long time! And it really has been. Long and hard and honestly we shouldn't have made it this far with how hard and unhealthy our marriage was for so long.Last summer a couple things happened - not big just like "the final straw" kinda things and I moved out into my parents house with our daughter. I couldn't handle the fighting, disrespect, sadness, stress...and having our daughter see it and seeing that it visibly bothered her was so hard. This was the last week of August. 1 week before our 11th anniversary. I stayed there for as long as I could handle it, but as much as I absolutely love my parents, it was hard on all of us living together. Things still weren't improving in my marriage despite trying to have talks and work thru things ourselves. I had asked for marriage counseling for years, and finally stating that I would not return home without it, and without seeing progress from it.I came across a really great little apartment for SO cheap and decided to rent it (no deposit, no lease) and the day I told my husband this, is the day he said he would finally attend counseling with me. This was in November. It took a little bit to find one that had evening hours and that seemed to fit our needs. We started in December. We both realized a lot of ways we were contributing to the dysfunction. I think we each made some good progress in reconciling the ways we had hurt each other, but still I felt so distant...the love wasn't there. We kept bumping heads about me moving home. I didn't want to return home until I started seeing love and affection...he insisted he couldn't show me these things without me being home and seeing me on a regular basis. It was so frustrating!We finally had a couple big fights and I said that's it. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. He felt the same. Then he talked with his sister and I don't know everything they talked about but she did tell me a little bit and it seemed he really opened up and realized some resentment he had been holding with me over things that happened years ago.We got together for one more talk and it was like...night and day. We communicated. We talked about our resentments and hurts and listened and apologized to each other and it just was DIFFERENT somehow. We had such an amazing and open evening, and some of the best sex we have ever had (in my opinion). I stood in the kitchen doing something and he came behind me and hugged me and rubbed my shoulders for the first time in...forever maybe? I felt so connected. But still extremely cautious.I decided I would take a leap of faith and move home and trust that he was going to continue down this good path. And the past 5 or 6 weeks have been like I'm living with a totally different person. Don't get me wrong. None of our problems were 100% him. But I met my threshold for the dysfunction before he did and started individual therapy trying to be healthier almost a year ago now. So while I still was struggling, I was trying to be better. It's so refreshing that he is also trying now too. We spend time together, we have computer-free evenings (almost) every night until after our daughter is in bed. We do her bedtime together every single night. We have a date night every Wednesday (after counseling if we've had it, and instead of counseling if we dont have it) and even tho we aren't going somewhere every week, the alone time is great. My daughter stays at my parents for the night and loves it.We have been talking about our day, hobbies, life, politics, tv shows, everything much more than ever before. We have had a few disagreements and irritations as to be expected, but we are WORKING THRU THEM the same day. It feels amazing. Nothing is getting blown out of proportion because it's being resolved! He makes a lot more money than me and has always been pretty tight with it (we keep separate finances because it works much easier that way) and has even offered me a really good chunk to go towards something I've been saving for which is...like so surprising and big.Guys - I know not every relationship can be salvaged. Some absolutely shouldn't be. 8 or 9 months ago, I was 99% sure we'd end up divorcing because that's just how awful it was. But please - put in the effort. Love each other. Love is an action. A verb. It is actively choosing to be with your partner. It is listening to them and responding with encouragement after a shitty day at work. It is sitting with them while the kid is tantruming instead of closing the office door to muffle the noise. It is coming home and greeting each other, taking time out of the week to intentionally spend time with each other. It's goofing around in the kitchen and slapping their butt while they cook. It is knowing they mean enough to you to admit when you're wrong and want to fix things. It is not dismissing each other's feelings.Put in the effort before you call it quits. I'm so thankful we did. I don't think I've ever felt this content and at peace and safe in our whole relationship.