Is my (28M) relationship with her (28F) functional, evolving or toxic?

Hi. On mobile, sorry if formatting sucks.

So I met my friend, let's say Kayla, about two years ago. She's my usual physical type, so I was attracted to her right away. She is flirtatious in nature, so I didn't really assume something was weird if she was ever overly touchy, especially when we would drink together. She is a self-described "attention whore," too, so it was pretty easy for me to not develop an attraction outside of the initial, physical one when she so desperately pursued other men. This allowed us to become really close as friends, which is immensely valuable to me, so all was good.

About a year ago, seemingly out of nowhere she mused on being eachother's "Plan B" if we weren't married to other people in the next ten years. I told her it was a horrible idea, and that I would never be a second choice for anyone. Later in the night, (after more drinks) she asked me to kiss her, which I did. We talked a little about dating and I just dropped her off at home afterwards. The next night, I had wanted to talk to her while more sober, but she was already trashed when I saw her. She kicked up the flirting, grabbing my dick and complimenting it, talking more about dating. I walked her inside her house this time to make sure she didn't fall down the stairs, and she pretty much just passed out. I had wanted to speak with her the next night for the same reason, telling her I need to really speak with her, only to find my friends at the bar and no her; she had already left with some dude she had just met.

So we talked about it a few days later. Told her I could understand drunkenly kissing me (I mean, I was the one to actually do it) but not the dating nor feelings stuff. She claimed to be blacked out during these interactions and that she didn't feel that way whatsoever. It's like this only happened to me, not her. After a few days of angry confusion, I just got over it, and I was pretty supportive when she went on to date hookup guy. I also dated someone not long after this, and both women got along great. Both of those relationships have since ended months ago. I had an extremely tough year professionally and emotionally, and I was grateful to have Kayla by my side as a supportive friend. She even quit drinking for several months which really helped her destructive behavior and our closeness.

Now, these past two weeks shit has been getting weird again. I told her the new guy she was seeing raised some red flags (asked her to housesit for a week after two dates, left a couple hundred of small bills laying around his apartment, refused to even meet his ex's friends) to me and to be cautious. I thought I was just being a good friend there. The following night, I picked her up and her roommate jokingly asked if we were going on a date. I said "gross, no" as a joke, but she was upset enough about that to bring it up three times that night. She sat on my lap at a bar later, which was fine, until she tried dancing on me. I told her that it crossed a line, that she needed to sit in a chair. The next weekend at a party, I was making out with a girl on the couch, and Kayla (who had not even been near me) begins to call my name and hit my arm in the middle of that, saying she needs to go home NOW. The next night, my female friend saw the same sort of behavior from Kayla, interrupting me verbally or physically when I so much as talked to another girl.

She invited me to a wedding as a plus one a few days later, which I accepted just chalking up her abnormal actions to a bad weekend. I did ask why she didn't invite this new guy, but she said she wasn't comfortable asking him yet. The wedding itself was a dull affair, but she used the same "Plan B" language and asked if she was coming to my sister's wedding. My sister lives out of town, so I just said no, and that I wouldn't bring her to meet my entire family like that even if we had been dating for two or three months. So I'm currently just in my hotel thinking things over before I have to see her for Game of Thrones on Sunday. Am I the asshole, is this her low self-esteem, or this whole friendship doomed? She is still dating red flag guy, hanging out with him the day of the wedding.

TL;DR: close friend sends highly mixed signals a year apart. Not sure if our friendship is functioning as it should be. Really not sure if I would ever date her. Genuinely clueless about her motivation.

Submitted April 27, 2019 at 06:40AM

Hi. On mobile, sorry if formatting sucks.So I met my friend, let's say Kayla, about two years ago. She's my usual physical type, so I was attracted to her right away. She is flirtatious in nature, so I didn't really assume something was weird if she was ever overly touchy, especially when we would drink together. She is a self-described "attention whore," too, so it was pretty easy for me to not develop an attraction outside of the initial, physical one when she so desperately pursued other men. This allowed us to become really close as friends, which is immensely valuable to me, so all was good.About a year ago, seemingly out of nowhere she mused on being eachother's "Plan B" if we weren't married to other people in the next ten years. I told her it was a horrible idea, and that I would never be a second choice for anyone. Later in the night, (after more drinks) she asked me to kiss her, which I did. We talked a little about dating and I just dropped her off at home afterwards. The next night, I had wanted to talk to her while more sober, but she was already trashed when I saw her. She kicked up the flirting, grabbing my dick and complimenting it, talking more about dating. I walked her inside her house this time to make sure she didn't fall down the stairs, and she pretty much just passed out. I had wanted to speak with her the next night for the same reason, telling her I need to really speak with her, only to find my friends at the bar and no her; she had already left with some dude she had just met.So we talked about it a few days later. Told her I could understand drunkenly kissing me (I mean, I was the one to actually do it) but not the dating nor feelings stuff. She claimed to be blacked out during these interactions and that she didn't feel that way whatsoever. It's like this only happened to me, not her. After a few days of angry confusion, I just got over it, and I was pretty supportive when she went on to date hookup guy. I also dated someone not long after this, and both women got along great. Both of those relationships have since ended months ago. I had an extremely tough year professionally and emotionally, and I was grateful to have Kayla by my side as a supportive friend. She even quit drinking for several months which really helped her destructive behavior and our closeness.Now, these past two weeks shit has been getting weird again. I told her the new guy she was seeing raised some red flags (asked her to housesit for a week after two dates, left a couple hundred of small bills laying around his apartment, refused to even meet his ex's friends) to me and to be cautious. I thought I was just being a good friend there. The following night, I picked her up and her roommate jokingly asked if we were going on a date. I said "gross, no" as a joke, but she was upset enough about that to bring it up three times that night. She sat on my lap at a bar later, which was fine, until she tried dancing on me. I told her that it crossed a line, that she needed to sit in a chair. The next weekend at a party, I was making out with a girl on the couch, and Kayla (who had not even been near me) begins to call my name and hit my arm in the middle of that, saying she needs to go home NOW. The next night, my female friend saw the same sort of behavior from Kayla, interrupting me verbally or physically when I so much as talked to another girl.She invited me to a wedding as a plus one a few days later, which I accepted just chalking up her abnormal actions to a bad weekend. I did ask why she didn't invite this new guy, but she said she wasn't comfortable asking him yet. The wedding itself was a dull affair, but she used the same "Plan B" language and asked if she was coming to my sister's wedding. My sister lives out of town, so I just said no, and that I wouldn't bring her to meet my entire family like that even if we had been dating for two or three months. So I'm currently just in my hotel thinking things over before I have to see her for Game of Thrones on Sunday. Am I the asshole, is this her low self-esteem, or this whole friendship doomed? She is still dating red flag guy, hanging out with him the day of the wedding.TL;DR: close friend sends highly mixed signals a year apart. Not sure if our friendship is functioning as it should be. Really not sure if I would ever date her. Genuinely clueless about her motivation.