Is this possible?

I (42m) don’t really want to be with my wife (39f) anymore and don’t know what to do.

About 2 years ago my wife’s house of cards came tumbling down, you see she had buried us in a lot of terrible debt and kept it hidden. Over the course of 8 months the true failure of her attempt to manage the household finances came out; we were forced from our rental home because of continuous late payments on rent, our daughter was kicked out of preschool because the tuition wasn’t paid, and what started as a couple thousand in debt was revealed to be over $27k. I was forced to drag each nugget of truth out her bit-by-bit or I found it after I spoke with a fiscal advisor and did a credit check. Initially she mislead me about the why we were moving and worked really hard to make sure I didn’t come into contact with our rental manager.

Unfortunately for me we were moving in and signed a new lease for a new place as her lies fell apart. Over the next few months I lost about 25 pounds because I couldn’t really taste food and found a new sensation; a gummy pit of acid in my stomach as I stressed out trying to get our finances under control. Every time I thought of her or money I got pissed or sad or both. Eventually I got all of the autopay turned off and while our credit is thrashed we can finally breathe a bit and I’m figuring out getting things paid off. We got sued by our preschool owner, I got her paid off and had to replace my wife’s truck because she never took care of it (threw a rod), luckily a friend had an old car for sale.

2 years have almost passed and I just plain old don’t want to stay married to her after 19 years. She lied for years as I asked her about bills (phones, power and water shut off intermittently, she claimed road work and there was a notice), she dusted our near future and I feel like a finically secure ideal is not even a thought for her. Worse rental prices are so high that if we separate or divorce I’m forcing my kids to live in “the hood” to maintain 2 living spaces and we will be poor for the rest of our lives. Backstory I have a damned good job that will allow me to retire at 50, I was able to go from earning $75k to $126k with overtime, this mostly covered the autopays and the $400+ gap that our new rent cost us (was ($1650/mo to now $2095/mo). After 20 years together (19 married) we have really good communication and I am being careful to maintain harmony, but I think she’s holding out hope. We’ve had no luck finding a counselor, I’m pretty sure I’m too blunt for most of them and I’m probably self defeating because I don’t want to really fix anything I just want guidance for how to make the next step as painlessly as possible.

I want a legal separation. And using my dads assistance to buy a house with a detached apartment/granny house for me to live in. I feel this is a pretty good solution for keeping the kids in a semi-stable 2 parent environment. She keeps great insurance and fiscal security, and we get to maintain our friendship and history. Plus we get our freedom to pursue different paths. This would be an eight to ten year plan until my retirement goes through, the kids are old enough to (10 & 5 currently) or there’s some form of financial windfall.

Any suggestions for how to proceed?

Submitted May 06, 2019 at 10:45AM

I (42m) don’t really want to be with my wife (39f) anymore and don’t know what to do.About 2 years ago my wife’s house of cards came tumbling down, you see she had buried us in a lot of terrible debt and kept it hidden. Over the course of 8 months the true failure of her attempt to manage the household finances came out; we were forced from our rental home because of continuous late payments on rent, our daughter was kicked out of preschool because the tuition wasn’t paid, and what started as a couple thousand in debt was revealed to be over $27k. I was forced to drag each nugget of truth out her bit-by-bit or I found it after I spoke with a fiscal advisor and did a credit check. Initially she mislead me about the why we were moving and worked really hard to make sure I didn’t come into contact with our rental manager.Unfortunately for me we were moving in and signed a new lease for a new place as her lies fell apart. Over the next few months I lost about 25 pounds because I couldn’t really taste food and found a new sensation; a gummy pit of acid in my stomach as I stressed out trying to get our finances under control. Every time I thought of her or money I got pissed or sad or both. Eventually I got all of the autopay turned off and while our credit is thrashed we can finally breathe a bit and I’m figuring out getting things paid off. We got sued by our preschool owner, I got her paid off and had to replace my wife’s truck because she never took care of it (threw a rod), luckily a friend had an old car for sale.2 years have almost passed and I just plain old don’t want to stay married to her after 19 years. She lied for years as I asked her about bills (phones, power and water shut off intermittently, she claimed road work and there was a notice), she dusted our near future and I feel like a finically secure ideal is not even a thought for her. Worse rental prices are so high that if we separate or divorce I’m forcing my kids to live in “the hood” to maintain 2 living spaces and we will be poor for the rest of our lives. Backstory I have a damned good job that will allow me to retire at 50, I was able to go from earning $75k to $126k with overtime, this mostly covered the autopays and the $400+ gap that our new rent cost us (was ($1650/mo to now $2095/mo). After 20 years together (19 married) we have really good communication and I am being careful to maintain harmony, but I think she’s holding out hope. We’ve had no luck finding a counselor, I’m pretty sure I’m too blunt for most of them and I’m probably self defeating because I don’t want to really fix anything I just want guidance for how to make the next step as painlessly as possible.I want a legal separation. And using my dads assistance to buy a house with a detached apartment/granny house for me to live in. I feel this is a pretty good solution for keeping the kids in a semi-stable 2 parent environment. She keeps great insurance and fiscal security, and we get to maintain our friendship and history. Plus we get our freedom to pursue different paths. This would be an eight to ten year plan until my retirement goes through, the kids are old enough to (10 & 5 currently) or there’s some form of financial windfall.Any suggestions for how to proceed?