Infertility is taking a toll on our marriage

My (37M) wife (36F) and I (married 5 years) have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years. Prior to trying in-vitro fertilization we had several unexplained losses. Absolutely devastating for both of us. So far, we have tried 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF - from which our doctor could tell there is an “egg quality issue.”

At our last doctor’s appointment, we set a plan to retry IVF in a couple months; however, the doctor urged cautious optimism and also urged us to start thinking about future alternatives - such as an egg donor.

My wife and I talked later about the egg donor scenario, and basically what it boils down to is she is not willing to do that. To her, it’s a line she isn’t willing to cross - to carry another woman’s baby. She said if we did go that route, she feels she would ultimately harbor major resentments against me ... and would prefer to adopt.

The problem for me is that I’ve always had a major desire to have my own biological child. I feel that if we don’t at least try, then * I * will be the one harboring the resentments.

The whole situation is terrible and has caused nothing but heartache for us. For me it’s been strictly emotional; however, she has experienced not only the emotions, but also the physical experience of several miscarriages and injecting fertility drugs that send her hormones into disarray.

I feel like such a shitty person for feeling this way, but I also don’t want to resent her for the rest of my life. Am I being unfairly selfish? Is it normal to feel this way? Can anyone relate or offer any advice? Thanks.

Submitted May 07, 2019 at 06:33PM

My (37M) wife (36F) and I (married 5 years) have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years. Prior to trying in-vitro fertilization we had several unexplained losses. Absolutely devastating for both of us. So far, we have tried 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF - from which our doctor could tell there is an “egg quality issue.”At our last doctor’s appointment, we set a plan to retry IVF in a couple months; however, the doctor urged cautious optimism and also urged us to start thinking about future alternatives - such as an egg donor.My wife and I talked later about the egg donor scenario, and basically what it boils down to is she is not willing to do that. To her, it’s a line she isn’t willing to cross - to carry another woman’s baby. She said if we did go that route, she feels she would ultimately harbor major resentments against me ... and would prefer to adopt.The problem for me is that I’ve always had a major desire to have my own biological child. I feel that if we don’t at least try, then * I * will be the one harboring the resentments.The whole situation is terrible and has caused nothing but heartache for us. For me it’s been strictly emotional; however, she has experienced not only the emotions, but also the physical experience of several miscarriages and injecting fertility drugs that send her hormones into disarray.I feel like such a shitty person for feeling this way, but I also don’t want to resent her for the rest of my life. Am I being unfairly selfish? Is it normal to feel this way? Can anyone relate or offer any advice? Thanks.