Chronically ill for 5 years. Husband is caretaker. Am I expecting too much?

My husband and I have been married for a very long and it hasn't been the easiest. I think we've lasted this long because I chose to shove the way he treated me under the rug. I'm not sure what happened but last summer I just couldn't take it anymore and told him I wanted a divorce. I don't want a divorce but am getting to the point where I'd rather be alone than put up with his behavior. He agreed to go to counseling and has been going regularly. He feels things are going better and I think that it has helped him, but I have noticed little change in his behavior with the major problems that we're having.

One of our big issues is because I have been chronically ill for the last 5 years and he has been my caretaker. I totally understand how stressful that is for him but the stress he causes with his stubborn asshole behavior is really bad for my health. My doctor said I am very fragile and stress is the absolute worse thing for me. I want to go to counseling too and marriage counseling when we can afford it. I have to say that he is a wonderful provider, an amazing father and he does a good job taking care of me with all the basics. For whatever reason, he can be just awful to me and when I need him most he can't be there for me.

As with many people suffering from a chronic illness all of my "friends" are long gone and I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. He is it.

He has always had problems communicating with me when I need his support but has no problem telling me his issues. In fact, he seems quite proud of the fact that he shares with me. In his mind that is communicating. I try not to burden him too much with how I'm feeling emotionally but sometimes I have to.

Yesterday we were driving home from yet another doctors appointment. I have had some medical issues that could lead to a very serious diagnosis (cancer) and my doctor wants more tests done. I told my husband what was in my heart, that if I did have this diagnosis then I probably wouldn't go through treatment. I don't think my body can handle the treatment and the prognosis isn't that great for this type of cancer even if you do go through treatment. He didn't say anything to me. I then asked him if he was shocked and he said yes. That was basically the entire conversation.

Later that evening I told him how hurt I was that he really didn't ask any questions or even try to be supportive. He got his normal attitude and said he was talking about it now like I should be happy with that. TBH, I am so tired of having to be the one to initiate the hard conversations. I'm so tired of being made to feel that whatever I'm going through doesn't warrant any kind of conversation or support from him.

I need him to be there for me without me having to poke and prod some kind of emotion from him in areas that concern me. He shows emotion all the time, mostly when I call him out on the latest hurtful thing he has done. Then it's mostly all centered around him and how sorry he is for what he has done. Honestly, I am done with his crying over how bad he feels and even more tired of the promises for change that never come about.

Am I wrong to expect him to be there for me when the tough stuff happens? Should I not have expected that he would have said something that was supportive in this minute of need? Am I expecting too much of him since he is my caregiver? I have no idea what is too much to expect and what isn't of a caretaker. Should I just be content with my lot and take it as it comes? Do I deserve to have my partner be there for me?

Thanks for reading this long post.

TD;LR: Husband didn't respond when I told him if I had cancer than I probably wouldn't seek treatment. He has been my caretaker for the last 5 years. Maybe it's wrong of me to think he can be emotionally supportive.

Submitted May 22, 2019 at 06:06PM

My husband and I have been married for a very long and it hasn't been the easiest. I think we've lasted this long because I chose to shove the way he treated me under the rug. I'm not sure what happened but last summer I just couldn't take it anymore and told him I wanted a divorce. I don't want a divorce but am getting to the point where I'd rather be alone than put up with his behavior. He agreed to go to counseling and has been going regularly. He feels things are going better and I think that it has helped him, but I have noticed little change in his behavior with the major problems that we're having.One of our big issues is because I have been chronically ill for the last 5 years and he has been my caretaker. I totally understand how stressful that is for him but the stress he causes with his stubborn asshole behavior is really bad for my health. My doctor said I am very fragile and stress is the absolute worse thing for me. I want to go to counseling too and marriage counseling when we can afford it. I have to say that he is a wonderful provider, an amazing father and he does a good job taking care of me with all the basics. For whatever reason, he can be just awful to me and when I need him most he can't be there for me.As with many people suffering from a chronic illness all of my "friends" are long gone and I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. He is it.He has always had problems communicating with me when I need his support but has no problem telling me his issues. In fact, he seems quite proud of the fact that he shares with me. In his mind that is communicating. I try not to burden him too much with how I'm feeling emotionally but sometimes I have to.Yesterday we were driving home from yet another doctors appointment. I have had some medical issues that could lead to a very serious diagnosis (cancer) and my doctor wants more tests done. I told my husband what was in my heart, that if I did have this diagnosis then I probably wouldn't go through treatment. I don't think my body can handle the treatment and the prognosis isn't that great for this type of cancer even if you do go through treatment. He didn't say anything to me. I then asked him if he was shocked and he said yes. That was basically the entire conversation.Later that evening I told him how hurt I was that he really didn't ask any questions or even try to be supportive. He got his normal attitude and said he was talking about it now like I should be happy with that. TBH, I am so tired of having to be the one to initiate the hard conversations. I'm so tired of being made to feel that whatever I'm going through doesn't warrant any kind of conversation or support from him.I need him to be there for me without me having to poke and prod some kind of emotion from him in areas that concern me. He shows emotion all the time, mostly when I call him out on the latest hurtful thing he has done. Then it's mostly all centered around him and how sorry he is for what he has done. Honestly, I am done with his crying over how bad he feels and even more tired of the promises for change that never come about.Am I wrong to expect him to be there for me when the tough stuff happens? Should I not have expected that he would have said something that was supportive in this minute of need? Am I expecting too much of him since he is my caregiver? I have no idea what is too much to expect and what isn't of a caretaker. Should I just be content with my lot and take it as it comes? Do I deserve to have my partner be there for me?Thanks for reading this long post.TD;LR: Husband didn't respond when I told him if I had cancer than I probably wouldn't seek treatment. He has been my caretaker for the last 5 years. Maybe it's wrong of me to think he can be emotionally supportive.