ADD or Narcissist?

r/ADHD r/Marriage

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TLDR: idk if DH is adult ADD or a controlling narcissist? He has explosive anger, interrogates my purchases, picked up old reckless habits, doesn't pay attention to me, won't let me travel alone for family grieving, and My birthday "surprise celebration" felt more like a low-key date than a "Happy Birthday!"

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I recently found out (maybe 4 months ago?) that my DH (28M) was diagnosed with ADD as a kid. He didn't elaborate at all--literally said it and didn't answer questions. This revelation has helped our overall marriage as a whole--communication, behavior, patience, etc. BUT if I hadn't been told he "had ADD as a kid" I would categorize his behavior as Narcissistic, controlling, and occasionally mentally abusive. Below are some examples of what I mean:

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-DH has had 3~ "mothers" because his father married, divorced, cheated, etc. DH has said his father was not a good example of being married, he was "verbally abusive", and didn't treat his wives "right". DH mentioned his grandfather, who he stayed with for 6 months-2 years (?) was an Amazing example of manliness in a marriage--he worked 1-2 jobs so his wife could be a SAHM or SAHW...grandpa was Very protective of grandma's emotional well-being (if she was upset, grandpa was going to discipline someone!)...etc.

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-Before we knew each other he had 3 long term live-in girlfriends, went clubbing, drank, went to a "couple" strip clubs, & had a few (#?) one night stands. A while before we met he stopped all of this & joined church, where we met. He stopped doing any of this; 1st two years of marriage we had Maybe 5 drinks between the two of us, most of that on our honeymoon. Since we've moved back to his "home state" he has started drinking again. He has skipped church, "visited" a friend (at a bar, then drove home), "watched a movie" idk how many nights with (M) friend, etc. For me, this is scary behavior since he told me when we got married that he, "grew out of all that...I don't do that anymore...I'm just not that person I was back then".

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-When we were dating, engaged, freshly married I had all his attention--he'd even get hurt/upset if we were at a dinner party & I didn't sit next to him. 6 months into marriage (and currently) I can't get him off his phone or the TV long enough for him to notice me to give me a compliment. I have to blatantly say, "Did you see my hair? Do you like my outfit? I [dressed up/did this] for YOU..." I have talked, cried, & yelled at him about his phone habits. He denies the severity, or he'll change for a couple weeks, or he'll pull the, "It's work--I have to answer any calls I get" (yeah, but, FACEBOOK is not your JOB calling you!).

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-During our 1st year of marriage he called me "crazy" every chance he could--it was to the point I started to question my memory, sanity, reality. I had to beg, yell, scream, dictionary lecture, ask, scold, make a scene in public & private, cry, sob, etc. to get him to stop calling me "crazy", to which he changed to calling me "psycho" for 2 weeks, then stopped altogether. Doesn't call me "crazy" anymore.

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-DH had an accident last year that gave him whiplash; Dr's meds were muscle relaxers & (non-hallucinogenic) pain killers. While on "muscle relaxers" we argued; he became so upset over something small that he ripped my keys out of the running vehicle and threw my phone (in the car). I was so scared, upset, & angry that I called a relative to pick me up because I read his behavior as violently upset.

Fast forward, I demand we go to counseling. After the first visit, he says he doesn't think it's going to change anything...he's sorry he did it..."it was the meds...it hasn't happened before...it won't happen again"......belittles the therapist's experience. The second visit he's smug and won't answer the therapist's questions. The third, or last visit???, he's smug and confident, acting like he has no issues and I'm the overreacting/nervous one. Then, we stop going because my HSA ran out of money & we were planning a move out of state. Note, he didn't pay a penny for counseling.

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-DH HATES it when I'm shopping--not him and not all the time. When we're at a mall he holds my hand, and it's not because he wants to show affection; he holds my hand to literally keep me from walking into any store. During our 1st-2nd year of marriage he would literally Pull my hand/arm so I would have to struggle to break free from him, just to go into a store. He has since relaxed this behavior, but it still comes up occasionally.

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-Even though I'm the one who controls the finances DH nearly interrogates me when I make an unnecessary purchase which is usually under $30. But, he'll splurge hundreds on items that can be "justified"--tools, car parts, etc. Exact example: a shop told DH our car needed some parts, so he spent $400~ buying all the parts that he would do the labor for--he never checked with me, and because of that, overdrew our account $500+ because he didn't think about the Other bills that were due that week. My paycheck that week didn't cover the negative balance he made. I did my best to, with disappointment & patience, ask him to not do this again. This situation has happened 7+ times since we married.

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-A favorite relative of mine died recently and I wanted to go to the memorial service, cross-country. I knew we didn't have the money to pay for everything, but, we could use air miles, etc. and stretch the money we did have. Important note, DH & my Mom don't get along. I've decided DH & I should keep our distance until their relationship can change for the better. (Back to memorial) DH refused to go...for (new) job's sake, even though we both could use bereavement. I mentioned going alone, for 24-48 hours (not even a "trip" in my opinion). DH refused to use his air miles for the flight because we Both couldn't go. Note, he has left me (for work-related reasons) idk 6-10 times (in our almost 3 years married) from 3 days to 3 weeks at a time. DH not wanting Us to be separated is not for "romantic" reasons.

Fast forward, we planned a trip to move (drive) our stuff cross-country (we moved for DH's awesome job without all our stuff) and we needed one-way flights--our air miles covered both tickets. Granted, we selected the dates because our air miles would cover the cost, BUT, I feel like I could have gone to the memorial myself and had closure with my family at such a painful time.

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-He planned a "surprise" for my birthday. Problem is, he DEMANDS I tell him Everything--NO Surprises for/about/to him. Second, the surprise was a day (and season passes) to Six Flags. I get sick on roller coasters now-a-days & he resists buying any food, drinks, anything to cool off unless he's getting something too. While there, DH mentioned he went there once before with a beloved uncle (who has since passed) & he has great memories. The "surprise celebration" felt more like a low-key date than a "Happy Birthday to You!"

Submitted May 22, 2019 at 08:43PM

r/ADHD r/Marriage​TLDR: idk if DH is adult ADD or a controlling narcissist? He has explosive anger, interrogates my purchases, picked up old reckless habits, doesn't pay attention to me, won't let me travel alone for family grieving, and My birthday "surprise celebration" felt more like a low-key date than a "Happy Birthday!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I recently found out (maybe 4 months ago?) that my DH (28M) was diagnosed with ADD as a kid. He didn't elaborate at all--literally said it and didn't answer questions. This revelation has helped our overall marriage as a whole--communication, behavior, patience, etc. BUT if I hadn't been told he "had ADD as a kid" I would categorize his behavior as Narcissistic, controlling, and occasionally mentally abusive. Below are some examples of what I mean:​​​-DH has had 3~ "mothers" because his father married, divorced, cheated, etc. DH has said his father was not a good example of being married, he was "verbally abusive", and didn't treat his wives "right". DH mentioned his grandfather, who he stayed with for 6 months-2 years (?) was an Amazing example of manliness in a marriage--he worked 1-2 jobs so his wife could be a SAHM or SAHW...grandpa was Very protective of grandma's emotional well-being (if she was upset, grandpa was going to discipline someone!)...etc.​-Before we knew each other he had 3 long term live-in girlfriends, went clubbing, drank, went to a "couple" strip clubs, & had a few (#?) one night stands. A while before we met he stopped all of this & joined church, where we met. He stopped doing any of this; 1st two years of marriage we had Maybe 5 drinks between the two of us, most of that on our honeymoon. Since we've moved back to his "home state" he has started drinking again. He has skipped church, "visited" a friend (at a bar, then drove home), "watched a movie" idk how many nights with (M) friend, etc. For me, this is scary behavior since he told me when we got married that he, "grew out of all that...I don't do that anymore...I'm just not that person I was back then".​-When we were dating, engaged, freshly married I had all his attention--he'd even get hurt/upset if we were at a dinner party & I didn't sit next to him. 6 months into marriage (and currently) I can't get him off his phone or the TV long enough for him to notice me to give me a compliment. I have to blatantly say, "Did you see my hair? Do you like my outfit? I [dressed up/did this] for YOU..." I have talked, cried, & yelled at him about his phone habits. He denies the severity, or he'll change for a couple weeks, or he'll pull the, "It's work--I have to answer any calls I get" (yeah, but, FACEBOOK is not your JOB calling you!).​-During our 1st year of marriage he called me "crazy" every chance he could--it was to the point I started to question my memory, sanity, reality. I had to beg, yell, scream, dictionary lecture, ask, scold, make a scene in public & private, cry, sob, etc. to get him to stop calling me "crazy", to which he changed to calling me "psycho" for 2 weeks, then stopped altogether. Doesn't call me "crazy" anymore.​-DH had an accident last year that gave him whiplash; Dr's meds were muscle relaxers & (non-hallucinogenic) pain killers. While on "muscle relaxers" we argued; he became so upset over something small that he ripped my keys out of the running vehicle and threw my phone (in the car). I was so scared, upset, & angry that I called a relative to pick me up because I read his behavior as violently upset.Fast forward, I demand we go to counseling. After the first visit, he says he doesn't think it's going to change anything...he's sorry he did it..."it was the meds...it hasn't happened before...it won't happen again"......belittles the therapist's experience. The second visit he's smug and won't answer the therapist's questions. The third, or last visit???, he's smug and confident, acting like he has no issues and I'm the overreacting/nervous one. Then, we stop going because my HSA ran out of money & we were planning a move out of state. Note, he didn't pay a penny for counseling.​-DH HATES it when I'm shopping--not him and not all the time. When we're at a mall he holds my hand, and it's not because he wants to show affection; he holds my hand to literally keep me from walking into any store. During our 1st-2nd year of marriage he would literally Pull my hand/arm so I would have to struggle to break free from him, just to go into a store. He has since relaxed this behavior, but it still comes up occasionally.​-Even though I'm the one who controls the finances DH nearly interrogates me when I make an unnecessary purchase which is usually under $30. But, he'll splurge hundreds on items that can be "justified"--tools, car parts, etc. Exact example: a shop told DH our car needed some parts, so he spent $400~ buying all the parts that he would do the labor for--he never checked with me, and because of that, overdrew our account $500+ because he didn't think about the Other bills that were due that week. My paycheck that week didn't cover the negative balance he made. I did my best to, with disappointment & patience, ask him to not do this again. This situation has happened 7+ times since we married.​-A favorite relative of mine died recently and I wanted to go to the memorial service, cross-country. I knew we didn't have the money to pay for everything, but, we could use air miles, etc. and stretch the money we did have. Important note, DH & my Mom don't get along. I've decided DH & I should keep our distance until their relationship can change for the better. (Back to memorial) DH refused to go...for (new) job's sake, even though we both could use bereavement. I mentioned going alone, for 24-48 hours (not even a "trip" in my opinion). DH refused to use his air miles for the flight because we Both couldn't go. Note, he has left me (for work-related reasons) idk 6-10 times (in our almost 3 years married) from 3 days to 3 weeks at a time. DH not wanting Us to be separated is not for "romantic" reasons.Fast forward, we planned a trip to move (drive) our stuff cross-country (we moved for DH's awesome job without all our stuff) and we needed one-way flights--our air miles covered both tickets. Granted, we selected the dates because our air miles would cover the cost, BUT, I feel like I could have gone to the memorial myself and had closure with my family at such a painful time.​-He planned a "surprise" for my birthday. Problem is, he DEMANDS I tell him Everything--NO Surprises for/about/to him. Second, the surprise was a day (and season passes) to Six Flags. I get sick on roller coasters now-a-days & he resists buying any food, drinks, anything to cool off unless he's getting something too. While there, DH mentioned he went there once before with a beloved uncle (who has since passed) & he has great memories. The "surprise celebration" felt more like a low-key date than a "Happy Birthday to You!"