It gets worse everyday...

My spouse and I have been having marital issues for years. Mostly I swept it all under the carpet until 6 or 7 months ago, when I stopped pretending everything was ok because it’s not and it hasn’t been for a long time.

Neither of us is happy. She’s distant and disinterested in me and my life and I admit I feel the same way about her. We are in marriage counseling but it’s kind of difficult to get anywhere with that when I am about ready to walk and she refuses to open up and discuss anything. We also end up having to skip sessions because something often comes up and I can tell she’s relieved when that happens.

Almost 6 years of no activity in the bedroom and many, many months of sleeping in separate rooms, I am at my wit’s end. She rolls her eyes when I mention anything about the new business I am starting, but only after first asking me if there will be “any immediate income” generated. I took care of her for years financially, and very well, I might add, and I could really use some help right now. I asked her if she’d go to real estate school to get her license so she can help me and be a part of what I hope to build for our children. She flat out said NO and continues to work at our younger child’s preschool for $250/week. She wants a new car. I told her it’s just not in the budget. She told me that she and my kids are my family and I am the man and therefore “supposed to take care of them”. (financially)

Today I took the kids to a birthday party after she took them to church in the morning. When my son asked me why I was taking them to the party today I said, “Because it’s my turn, buddy!” I didn’t mean anything by it, just that my spouse and I are “dividing and conquering”, as couples with children often do. My spouse looked up from her phone (she’s always on social media) and said disgustedly, “Because it’s your TURN?”

No matter what I say lately, the conversation goes sideways. I swear she hates me and I don’t blame her as I don’t particularly like her a whole lot at the moment either. She’s a good mother to our children but it’s clear our 11 year marriage, 15 year relationship, is very broken.

I love my kids and I am happier spending time with them when their mother is not around and they probably enjoy spending time with her when I am not around.

The problem is that she wants to stay married for some unknown reason (maybe societal pressure or the fact that her own parents have been miserably married forever), but I’ve had it. I feel like the only reason she wants me around is to be an ATM and someone to “help her with the kids”. Well, I will always help her with the kids and help to support them financially but that doesn’t mean I have to stay married to a partner who really isn’t a true partner.

How do you tell the person you’ve been married to for over a decade that you want out? I know it will devastate her and that kills me, but I truly believe all of us will be happier in the future if we split up.

Where do I even begin to start this conversation? I don’t want to hurt her, but she’s miserable with me, and I’m miserable with her. The kids can tell their parents aren’t happy. Help me end the misery! She is leaving in a few weeks with the kids for a month to visit her parents and I can’t wait. I’ll miss my kids but they love being with their grandparents and first cousins all summer. However, I am counting the days until I don’t have to see her everyday anymore. :/

Any advice/insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Submitted May 20, 2019 at 01:00AM

My spouse and I have been having marital issues for years. Mostly I swept it all under the carpet until 6 or 7 months ago, when I stopped pretending everything was ok because it’s not and it hasn’t been for a long time.Neither of us is happy. She’s distant and disinterested in me and my life and I admit I feel the same way about her. We are in marriage counseling but it’s kind of difficult to get anywhere with that when I am about ready to walk and she refuses to open up and discuss anything. We also end up having to skip sessions because something often comes up and I can tell she’s relieved when that happens.Almost 6 years of no activity in the bedroom and many, many months of sleeping in separate rooms, I am at my wit’s end. She rolls her eyes when I mention anything about the new business I am starting, but only after first asking me if there will be “any immediate income” generated. I took care of her for years financially, and very well, I might add, and I could really use some help right now. I asked her if she’d go to real estate school to get her license so she can help me and be a part of what I hope to build for our children. She flat out said NO and continues to work at our younger child’s preschool for $250/week. She wants a new car. I told her it’s just not in the budget. She told me that she and my kids are my family and I am the man and therefore “supposed to take care of them”. (financially)Today I took the kids to a birthday party after she took them to church in the morning. When my son asked me why I was taking them to the party today I said, “Because it’s my turn, buddy!” I didn’t mean anything by it, just that my spouse and I are “dividing and conquering”, as couples with children often do. My spouse looked up from her phone (she’s always on social media) and said disgustedly, “Because it’s your TURN?”No matter what I say lately, the conversation goes sideways. I swear she hates me and I don’t blame her as I don’t particularly like her a whole lot at the moment either. She’s a good mother to our children but it’s clear our 11 year marriage, 15 year relationship, is very broken.I love my kids and I am happier spending time with them when their mother is not around and they probably enjoy spending time with her when I am not around.The problem is that she wants to stay married for some unknown reason (maybe societal pressure or the fact that her own parents have been miserably married forever), but I’ve had it. I feel like the only reason she wants me around is to be an ATM and someone to “help her with the kids”. Well, I will always help her with the kids and help to support them financially but that doesn’t mean I have to stay married to a partner who really isn’t a true partner.How do you tell the person you’ve been married to for over a decade that you want out? I know it will devastate her and that kills me, but I truly believe all of us will be happier in the future if we split up.Where do I even begin to start this conversation? I don’t want to hurt her, but she’s miserable with me, and I’m miserable with her. The kids can tell their parents aren’t happy. Help me end the misery! She is leaving in a few weeks with the kids for a month to visit her parents and I can’t wait. I’ll miss my kids but they love being with their grandparents and first cousins all summer. However, I am counting the days until I don’t have to see her everyday anymore. :/Any advice/insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.