I [39F] am interested a guy [40sM] on a social media site

I'm turning 40 this year and I've never been asked out. I've asked men out before, but they usually turn me down with a "thanks, but no thanks" or ghost before the actual date, which is just as well because I always feel turned off or lose interest when I initiate. I don't know why; I’ve always felt this way. Though I’m lonely and wish I had someone to share my otherwise full and active life, I don't dwell on it because I've never found a guy I truly wanted to get to know -- until now. 

Months ago, a guy popped up in my Instagram suggestions list, so I followed him on a whim because he was attractive and interesting in way I've never been drawn to before. Since then, I learned we have a lot of common interests and values, we're in similar professions, and, as it turns out, we even attended the same medical conference a few years ago (though I'm sure our paths didn't cross; it was a big event). He ticks all the boxes and he's not perfect, but his flaws are ones I can live with. Or, at least, I'd like to get to know if I can. He’s a few years older than me, hetero, and not in a relationship, as far as I can tell, and he's definitely not a shy type.

I thought about messaging him, but I always stop myself. I've head of people who met their significant others through the platform, but 100% of the time, the man initiated. He knows I’m following him and he’s liked a few of my comments on his posts (but he 'likes' 95% of comments, so it’s a courtesy thing), but he didn’t follow me back. Offline, I'm an unmistakeable extrovert. I make life-and-death decisions every day with confidence (I work in medicine), lead SAR teams, and work in the summer as a charter pilot.

But with romantic relationships... I feel if I have to initiate, then I’ll always be seen as easily obtained (in a biological imperative POV). This has been confirmed by men I know; they say they find it flattering when a woman makes the first move - but, as a result, they also admit they don't see her as a worthwhile dating prospect. She’s too aggressive, too easy, or too masculine, etc. If I have to initiate -- like I do with every other aspect of my life -- then I'm afraid he'll view me that way or, if he doesn't, I'll never feel like he truly wants to interact.

I’ve never messaged anyone on Instagram, nor has anyone ever messaged me in the three years I’ve had an account, so I don’t know what the norm is.

Thoughts?

Submitted May 20, 2019 at 01:07AM

I'm turning 40 this year and I've never been asked out. I've asked men out before, but they usually turn me down with a "thanks, but no thanks" or ghost before the actual date, which is just as well because I always feel turned off or lose interest when I initiate. I don't know why; I’ve always felt this way. Though I’m lonely and wish I had someone to share my otherwise full and active life, I don't dwell on it because I've never found a guy I truly wanted to get to know -- until now. Months ago, a guy popped up in my Instagram suggestions list, so I followed him on a whim because he was attractive and interesting in way I've never been drawn to before. Since then, I learned we have a lot of common interests and values, we're in similar professions, and, as it turns out, we even attended the same medical conference a few years ago (though I'm sure our paths didn't cross; it was a big event). He ticks all the boxes and he's not perfect, but his flaws are ones I can live with. Or, at least, I'd like to get to know if I can. He’s a few years older than me, hetero, and not in a relationship, as far as I can tell, and he's definitely not a shy type.I thought about messaging him, but I always stop myself. I've head of people who met their significant others through the platform, but 100% of the time, the man initiated. He knows I’m following him and he’s liked a few of my comments on his posts (but he 'likes' 95% of comments, so it’s a courtesy thing), but he didn’t follow me back. Offline, I'm an unmistakeable extrovert. I make life-and-death decisions every day with confidence (I work in medicine), lead SAR teams, and work in the summer as a charter pilot.But with romantic relationships... I feel if I have to initiate, then I’ll always be seen as easily obtained (in a biological imperative POV). This has been confirmed by men I know; they say they find it flattering when a woman makes the first move - but, as a result, they also admit they don't see her as a worthwhile dating prospect. She’s too aggressive, too easy, or too masculine, etc. If I have to initiate -- like I do with every other aspect of my life -- then I'm afraid he'll view me that way or, if he doesn't, I'll never feel like he truly wants to interact.I’ve never messaged anyone on Instagram, nor has anyone ever messaged me in the three years I’ve had an account, so I don’t know what the norm is.Thoughts?