Toxic or fair?

TL;DR My husband (mid-40s) and myself (mid-30s) have been married for over a year. We have two children. Simply put, my husband is a gem, rare! He does what he says, he shows me love, he elevates me by reminding me of my good qualities, he’s the most consistent, loving father. What more could a girl want?

I’m Unfortunately, like most relationships, things aren’t perfect, if fact, I’m a little concerned. Over the last six months (maybe even a year) I’ve noticed his temper ramp up when he feels wronged, attacked and/or bullied, but fair enough, right? This is where I’m torn on my feelings. Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed by a few different obstacles (parenting opinion differences with my ex husband, basic parenting woes, nothing too serious). When my husband woke he came downstairs and I began sharing my morning frustrations and torn opinions on parenting. During this, he began creating analogies to help direct me toward a decision, all good, I appreciate this! The conversation continued and while he was sharing an analogy the topic began to twist to my work and his well-known condescending tone emerged. That’s it, I was done! I said, “leave me the fuck alone!” Not snarling, but direct, a comment made out of emotional build-up, also not necessarily my character to say this. Did he deserve this? No, he didn’t, however, his response put me in a tailspin. He stood and began saying, “Fuck You” repeatedly, a couple times with my name at the end. He then stomped and stormed through the house, and made another comment that I am wimp, slammed the door and left. I was literally sitting there in shock. I’m in tears. Did I deserve this? Perhaps I did because I said to leave me the fuck alone? He later apologized, more for calling me a wimp, but stated that does not feel too bad with the anger and fuck yous, since I said the same thing to him (leave me the fuck alone). Is this true?

Lastly, this isn’t the first time this outburst from him has happened. It’s happened a couple other times and it really rattled me. To be fair, I am no saint. I am strong willed, but I am not vicious. I can get overwhelmed, but I don’t snap like he does. I don’t amp up the way he does. I absolutely hate hearing my husband shouting “fuck you” to me!

I am asking for feedback on this because I know it can be difficult to see relationship issues when you’re submerged in the middle. This is why I believe women & men can continue in an abusive relationship for years. I am NOT saying I am being abused. He has never laid a hand on me and he does not snap unless he feels bullied. I genuinely love him, but I also love myself and I want to make sure I am making the right decisions, especially for the sake of my children.

Advice?

Submitted May 20, 2019 at 04:25PM

TL;DR My husband (mid-40s) and myself (mid-30s) have been married for over a year. We have two children. Simply put, my husband is a gem, rare! He does what he says, he shows me love, he elevates me by reminding me of my good qualities, he’s the most consistent, loving father. What more could a girl want?I’m Unfortunately, like most relationships, things aren’t perfect, if fact, I’m a little concerned. Over the last six months (maybe even a year) I’ve noticed his temper ramp up when he feels wronged, attacked and/or bullied, but fair enough, right? This is where I’m torn on my feelings. Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed by a few different obstacles (parenting opinion differences with my ex husband, basic parenting woes, nothing too serious). When my husband woke he came downstairs and I began sharing my morning frustrations and torn opinions on parenting. During this, he began creating analogies to help direct me toward a decision, all good, I appreciate this! The conversation continued and while he was sharing an analogy the topic began to twist to my work and his well-known condescending tone emerged. That’s it, I was done! I said, “leave me the fuck alone!” Not snarling, but direct, a comment made out of emotional build-up, also not necessarily my character to say this. Did he deserve this? No, he didn’t, however, his response put me in a tailspin. He stood and began saying, “Fuck You” repeatedly, a couple times with my name at the end. He then stomped and stormed through the house, and made another comment that I am wimp, slammed the door and left. I was literally sitting there in shock. I’m in tears. Did I deserve this? Perhaps I did because I said to leave me the fuck alone? He later apologized, more for calling me a wimp, but stated that does not feel too bad with the anger and fuck yous, since I said the same thing to him (leave me the fuck alone). Is this true?Lastly, this isn’t the first time this outburst from him has happened. It’s happened a couple other times and it really rattled me. To be fair, I am no saint. I am strong willed, but I am not vicious. I can get overwhelmed, but I don’t snap like he does. I don’t amp up the way he does. I absolutely hate hearing my husband shouting “fuck you” to me!I am asking for feedback on this because I know it can be difficult to see relationship issues when you’re submerged in the middle. This is why I believe women & men can continue in an abusive relationship for years. I am NOT saying I am being abused. He has never laid a hand on me and he does not snap unless he feels bullied. I genuinely love him, but I also love myself and I want to make sure I am making the right decisions, especially for the sake of my children.Advice?