I want to *want* to change my name, but the idea makes me furious. Hyphenating and/or keeping my own dont feel right either. Been married for 5 months. He doesnt get it. Please help me with navigating the feelings.

Hi. I’m newly married - 5 months ago - and I am stuck, frustrated and angry over the subject of last names. So much so it is souring this first year of being newlyweds. Im looking for advice from other women who may have felt the same.

I’ve changed my mind so many times about what to do. He isn’t putting any pressure on me to do anything in particular, but I can tell it bothers him and he interprets it as a lack of commitment. Discussions we’ve had About this in the past infuriated my feminist heart and I’m nursing some hurt feelings.

For context: 1) I love my family. I have a unique last name, which most of my friends have used as my first name for the majority of my life. I’m proud of my name and background, and spent the last 12 years building my career with it. It is important to me. 2) Husband is equally proud. His family are lovely but also nuts, and some of the men carry strongly held, traditional, patriarchal views. Frankly, I dont respect them or like the idea of joining their tribe - only the idea of forming our own new one. Their words and actions sometimes really, really annoy me. My husband can slip into their manner of thinking, but then usually comes back to the 21st century/his senses. His family have a strong bond, have been through some hard times and tend to stick together on all issues so I can appreciate where he is coming from with the group think. I know his preference would be for me to take his name but he respects it is my decision. 3) The idea of making a new last name got a hard No. 4) The idea of him taking my name got an extra hard No, as did the idea of him hyphenating with me. This hurt because it is such a double standard. 5) He gets shitty at the idea of hyphenating future kids names, because ‘when does the hyphenating end for them?’ and also ‘it sounds douchey’. I get shitty because they’re half my heritage and why is it any less worthy than his? 6) I am possibly choosing this as my hill to die on because I feel like I’m already giving up a big thing for him. Our families come from opposite sides of our state, a long distance away. I am choosing to settle with him in his families neighbourhood. This was a tough call given my family are really close and I would have preferred to have them close by. Im probably still nursing that hurt too. We did it because his career depends on him staying local. 7) I tried to bargain with him a while back. I said I’d change to his last name, but I wanted us both to have my last name as a middle name. Then both of is are including eachothers heritage, and we could do the same for future kids. He said no, because men dont do that and his friends and family would laugh at him. That was the last straw for me and I’ve been bitter ever since because I thought this was a compromise that - in reality - worked in his favour. Who uses their middle name day to day? He could keep it a secret if he really wanted to. I got mad.

I guess I’m mostly angry at the fact that this is my issue and not his. He has the privilege of not worrying about it.

Right now I hyphenate on Facebook and keep my name everywhere else. It still doesn’t feel right. And it feels like we arent fully married.

I also worry that if I cave, I may have to explain it to a future daughter, which would feel like failure.

I guess I’m looking for advice, commiserations or similar stories to help me figure out how to move forward. Thanks in advance.

Submitted April 14, 2019 at 05:16AM

Hi. I’m newly married - 5 months ago - and I am stuck, frustrated and angry over the subject of last names. So much so it is souring this first year of being newlyweds. Im looking for advice from other women who may have felt the same.I’ve changed my mind so many times about what to do. He isn’t putting any pressure on me to do anything in particular, but I can tell it bothers him and he interprets it as a lack of commitment. Discussions we’ve had About this in the past infuriated my feminist heart and I’m nursing some hurt feelings.For context: 1) I love my family. I have a unique last name, which most of my friends have used as my first name for the majority of my life. I’m proud of my name and background, and spent the last 12 years building my career with it. It is important to me. 2) Husband is equally proud. His family are lovely but also nuts, and some of the men carry strongly held, traditional, patriarchal views. Frankly, I dont respect them or like the idea of joining their tribe - only the idea of forming our own new one. Their words and actions sometimes really, really annoy me. My husband can slip into their manner of thinking, but then usually comes back to the 21st century/his senses. His family have a strong bond, have been through some hard times and tend to stick together on all issues so I can appreciate where he is coming from with the group think. I know his preference would be for me to take his name but he respects it is my decision. 3) The idea of making a new last name got a hard No. 4) The idea of him taking my name got an extra hard No, as did the idea of him hyphenating with me. This hurt because it is such a double standard. 5) He gets shitty at the idea of hyphenating future kids names, because ‘when does the hyphenating end for them?’ and also ‘it sounds douchey’. I get shitty because they’re half my heritage and why is it any less worthy than his? 6) I am possibly choosing this as my hill to die on because I feel like I’m already giving up a big thing for him. Our families come from opposite sides of our state, a long distance away. I am choosing to settle with him in his families neighbourhood. This was a tough call given my family are really close and I would have preferred to have them close by. Im probably still nursing that hurt too. We did it because his career depends on him staying local. 7) I tried to bargain with him a while back. I said I’d change to his last name, but I wanted us both to have my last name as a middle name. Then both of is are including eachothers heritage, and we could do the same for future kids. He said no, because men dont do that and his friends and family would laugh at him. That was the last straw for me and I’ve been bitter ever since because I thought this was a compromise that - in reality - worked in his favour. Who uses their middle name day to day? He could keep it a secret if he really wanted to. I got mad.I guess I’m mostly angry at the fact that this is my issue and not his. He has the privilege of not worrying about it.Right now I hyphenate on Facebook and keep my name everywhere else. It still doesn’t feel right. And it feels like we arent fully married.I also worry that if I cave, I may have to explain it to a future daughter, which would feel like failure.I guess I’m looking for advice, commiserations or similar stories to help me figure out how to move forward. Thanks in advance.