Was there a relationship/experience that just completely changed your whole outlook on dating/relationships?

I'll try to keep this brief. I'm a 33F.

My whole life has just been one long series of shitty relationships. Just every kind of shitty relationship you can imagine. Toxic, lackluster, unrequited, abusive, etc. A combination of a shitty childhood (including sexual trauma) and a mental illness left me poorly equipped to date normally, but certainly didn't keep me from making myself miserable trying.

About a year ago, I really took objective stock of how much I had invested into searching for a partner and what reward it had yielded. Looking at it from that perspective, it was kind of easy just to decide not to bother anymore. It really became clear to me that for numerous reasons, "it" probably wasn't ever going to happen for me. So I gave up. And I was doing fine.

And then he came along.

I was very clear that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, but he pursued and wooed (ugh) me. Not in a creepy way. He was respectful of my boundaries, but I found myself gradually falling for him. He was everything I'd always looked for: attractive, funny, sweet, smart, emotionally intelligent, good in bed, stable, good dad. I was smitten and so stupidly excited. I started to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'd be one of those people who found love when they stopped looking. Thinking about how hopeful I was...it makes me cringe. I'm crying a little now thinking about how happy I was. It was the first time I ever felt that way.

And then he dumped me. Rather coldly and suddenly. I was gutted. Our relationship was brief, but I really wanted it.

And now I just feel numb. Like, I cashed in my last bit of hope on that one. I can't imagine ever taking that risk again. I feel more sure than ever that I will never have success in that department of life. It's like his ability to dump me so easily confirmed what I've always known: I just don't have that quality that makes people fall in love with someone else. I'm just disposable. Idk why it took me so long to realize, but now that I know it...I dont think I could ever believe anything else.

It is two months later and I don't think this is a transient feeling. I think I just am this way now. And it is weird and a little sad. I keep wondering: will I wake up one day and feel up to dating again? Or...am I going to wake up one day, fifty years from now, and wish I had kept trying in spite of my lack of belief or motivation?

Has anyone else ever felt this way, particularly after a brief relationship? What changed it for you, if anything?

Submitted May 21, 2019 at 08:41PM

I'll try to keep this brief. I'm a 33F.My whole life has just been one long series of shitty relationships. Just every kind of shitty relationship you can imagine. Toxic, lackluster, unrequited, abusive, etc. A combination of a shitty childhood (including sexual trauma) and a mental illness left me poorly equipped to date normally, but certainly didn't keep me from making myself miserable trying.About a year ago, I really took objective stock of how much I had invested into searching for a partner and what reward it had yielded. Looking at it from that perspective, it was kind of easy just to decide not to bother anymore. It really became clear to me that for numerous reasons, "it" probably wasn't ever going to happen for me. So I gave up. And I was doing fine.And then he came along.I was very clear that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, but he pursued and wooed (ugh) me. Not in a creepy way. He was respectful of my boundaries, but I found myself gradually falling for him. He was everything I'd always looked for: attractive, funny, sweet, smart, emotionally intelligent, good in bed, stable, good dad. I was smitten and so stupidly excited. I started to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'd be one of those people who found love when they stopped looking. Thinking about how hopeful I was...it makes me cringe. I'm crying a little now thinking about how happy I was. It was the first time I ever felt that way.And then he dumped me. Rather coldly and suddenly. I was gutted. Our relationship was brief, but I really wanted it.And now I just feel numb. Like, I cashed in my last bit of hope on that one. I can't imagine ever taking that risk again. I feel more sure than ever that I will never have success in that department of life. It's like his ability to dump me so easily confirmed what I've always known: I just don't have that quality that makes people fall in love with someone else. I'm just disposable. Idk why it took me so long to realize, but now that I know it...I dont think I could ever believe anything else.It is two months later and I don't think this is a transient feeling. I think I just am this way now. And it is weird and a little sad. I keep wondering: will I wake up one day and feel up to dating again? Or...am I going to wake up one day, fifty years from now, and wish I had kept trying in spite of my lack of belief or motivation?Has anyone else ever felt this way, particularly after a brief relationship? What changed it for you, if anything?