Finance Equality

I'm hoping to get some feedback about my situation. Here goes...

My wife have been together for 14 years, married 10. When we met, we were making the same salary. I helped her out as a single mom before we moved in together. Then we moved in together and shared our expenses. This went on for a few years until she decided to change jobs. Her new job paid $15K more than my job paid, however, our rent was free as part of my employment compensation. So, on paper, our salaries were pretty much even. After 1 year, her employer was forced to layoff half their staff due to regulations. As a result, employees that were laid off created their own company. My wife was lucky enough to be included in this new group. She was awarded a 50% increase in her salary as a result of the new job. At the same time, I received a promotion and we moved into a larger apartment. So with my salary and my $1500 apartment allowance, we were still about even in terms of money. We kept our individual checking account we had when we first met but the bulk of our salaries went into a shared account to cover expenses and such. We even managed to save 6 month's salary in a joint online savings account. Life was good.

But as life happens, things don't always stay rosy. In 2014, my company decided to eliminate my position and I was forced to accept another job at less than half of my former salary. At the same time, my wife was promoted and her salary doubled. Today, my wife makes 4 times what I make. All the kids are grown and independent.

Here is a loose breakdown of our current finances.

She: salary plus bonuses - $160K/year

Me: salary no bonuses - $40K/year

Expenses-

shared - mortgage, utilities, food, supplies etc. <$2000/mo

me - phone, student loans, child support (previous relationship), credit cards = $1,600/mo

her - phone, car, credit cards = $1,600/mo

​

So what's the issue, you may ask. Well, I deposit 75% of my check into our joint account and she only deposits a little more than a third of her check into the joint account to cover our shared expenses. We no longer have a joint savings. I don't use the joint checking because every time I do, a check bounces and she grumbles about having to transfer money to cover a check. I deposit $200 per month into my IRA which only leaves me with $200 per month to play with. I've started driving for a ride share company in order to keep a few dollars in my pocket. I don't buy clothes, expensive toys, or fancy cars. In fact, my car is a 10 year old Honda, while she drives a brand new Nissan (leased). I feel like I'm poor even though my household brings in over $200k per year. She says that "we" have a savings account but I don't have access to it nor do I know how much money is in it or what bank it's in. My name isn't even on the account. I have no clue what she does with the rest of the money.

I've tried talking to her about budgeting and saving. But when I say the word budget, she hears me telling her that she can't spend money. I explain to her that even Jeff Bezos has a budget (granted a lot bigger than ours) but it all goes over her head. She likes to see zeros in her account to feel like she's "rich".

So, how can I get my wife on the same page as me or am I destined to work a part time job until i retire?

​

Update:

Thanks folks. You have helped me understand my dilemma.

Its not about income equality or finances or any other bullshit. I love my wife and can't picture life without her. I have no plans to leave or even get counseling (been there, done that).

With your help, I now realize that I want to be a partner, not a kept man. Unfortunately, my wife views me as a dependent rather than a husband when it comes to money. It fucks with my security and self esteem to be put in a box by the person I've decided to share my life with.

For those of you that say I should find a way to generate more income...I drive for Uber/Lyft. I actually make more per hour driving than I make at my 9 to 5. The downside is that I get attitude every time I leave the house to go drive. Then once I'm on the road, I get texts and phone calls asking me how long am I gonna stay out and when am I coming home! I can't understand why should would want me to come home when I'm out making money and not spending hers?!?!?!?!?

Submitted May 21, 2019 at 01:42PM

I'm hoping to get some feedback about my situation. Here goes...My wife have been together for 14 years, married 10. When we met, we were making the same salary. I helped her out as a single mom before we moved in together. Then we moved in together and shared our expenses. This went on for a few years until she decided to change jobs. Her new job paid $15K more than my job paid, however, our rent was free as part of my employment compensation. So, on paper, our salaries were pretty much even. After 1 year, her employer was forced to layoff half their staff due to regulations. As a result, employees that were laid off created their own company. My wife was lucky enough to be included in this new group. She was awarded a 50% increase in her salary as a result of the new job. At the same time, I received a promotion and we moved into a larger apartment. So with my salary and my $1500 apartment allowance, we were still about even in terms of money. We kept our individual checking account we had when we first met but the bulk of our salaries went into a shared account to cover expenses and such. We even managed to save 6 month's salary in a joint online savings account. Life was good.But as life happens, things don't always stay rosy. In 2014, my company decided to eliminate my position and I was forced to accept another job at less than half of my former salary. At the same time, my wife was promoted and her salary doubled. Today, my wife makes 4 times what I make. All the kids are grown and independent.Here is a loose breakdown of our current finances.She: salary plus bonuses - $160K/yearMe: salary no bonuses - $40K/yearExpenses-shared - mortgage, utilities, food, supplies etc. <$2000/mome - phone, student loans, child support (previous relationship), credit cards = $1,600/moher - phone, car, credit cards = $1,600/mo​So what's the issue, you may ask. Well, I deposit 75% of my check into our joint account and she only deposits a little more than a third of her check into the joint account to cover our shared expenses. We no longer have a joint savings. I don't use the joint checking because every time I do, a check bounces and she grumbles about having to transfer money to cover a check. I deposit $200 per month into my IRA which only leaves me with $200 per month to play with. I've started driving for a ride share company in order to keep a few dollars in my pocket. I don't buy clothes, expensive toys, or fancy cars. In fact, my car is a 10 year old Honda, while she drives a brand new Nissan (leased). I feel like I'm poor even though my household brings in over $200k per year. She says that "we" have a savings account but I don't have access to it nor do I know how much money is in it or what bank it's in. My name isn't even on the account. I have no clue what she does with the rest of the money.I've tried talking to her about budgeting and saving. But when I say the word budget, she hears me telling her that she can't spend money. I explain to her that even Jeff Bezos has a budget (granted a lot bigger than ours) but it all goes over her head. She likes to see zeros in her account to feel like she's "rich".So, how can I get my wife on the same page as me or am I destined to work a part time job until i retire?​Update:Thanks folks. You have helped me understand my dilemma.Its not about income equality or finances or any other bullshit. I love my wife and can't picture life without her. I have no plans to leave or even get counseling (been there, done that).With your help, I now realize that I want to be a partner, not a kept man. Unfortunately, my wife views me as a dependent rather than a husband when it comes to money. It fucks with my security and self esteem to be put in a box by the person I've decided to share my life with.For those of you that say I should find a way to generate more income...I drive for Uber/Lyft. I actually make more per hour driving than I make at my 9 to 5. The downside is that I get attitude every time I leave the house to go drive. Then once I'm on the road, I get texts and phone calls asking me how long am I gonna stay out and when am I coming home! I can't understand why should would want me to come home when I'm out making money and not spending hers?!?!?!?!?