Is this a toxic marriage? I think maybe so, but don’t know what to do.

35F, 39M, together 7 years, married 3, 3 young kids

-We have discussed how sad and lonely I feel in our marriage and in my life. There’s no emotional connection, no friendship, etc. I told him that sex isn’t the same for me as it is for him, that I don’t feel closer to him at all during sex now, I can’t relax, and, if anything, I feel more lonely and sad afterward. So his idea of having more sex to bring us closer does not work. We don’t even kiss when we have sex and the orgasm ratio is very skewed.

-He recently told me that he’s never been in an emotionally intimate relationship and doesn’t know how and I think he expects me to magically teach him.

-I can’t share my feelings with him. Any negative feeling he can’t handle, especially if they’re about him/us. He does the thing where he deflects everything, turns it around on me, gets mad at me, and then I’m the bad guy. If he’s home 2 hours late without calling, I’m the bad guy. He can’t handle if I don’t love a present he got me. He gets mopey, sad, and/or mad and ruins at least 2 days. It’s to the point now where I often lie and say I like everything, including new food we try or some sex position. (I don’t enjoy any sex with him now, so I have to lie. I don’t fake orgasms, just general enjoyment.) Once he found a journal of me saying things like this and he got SUPER pissed off at me. Not sad or bad because I feel so terrible.

-if I feel good, happy, or excited about something, he kills it. Always. Then asks why I don’t want to do said thing anymore. Gets mad/mopey when I say because he ruined it.

-He will randomly get pissed off about something, barely talk to me for hours, and then he’ll go off on me later. This has gotten better recently only because I’ve stopped letting him just shout over me.

-What’s date night like? Few and far between, but it’s the same small talk convos we always have, that I despise. On our last date night, I implemented a rule of no talking about kids or work. He kept the waitress at our table for over 25 minutes, talking about kids and work. I got to eat and listen to them talk about the exact two things I didn’t want to talk about. He didn’t notice, but when I told him later, he first denied, then got mopey. So more eggshell walking, more anxiety. I try to avoid him as much as possible now. I don’t event want to be in the same room as him. When will he start complaining about something I have or haven’t done?

You know that present people make with a deck of cards and it’s like “52 reasons I love you”? I can think of two: good dad and hard worker. I don’t think I love him anymore.

He knows all of this. We’ve talked about all of this. There’s literally NO MONEY for divorce, so that is not an option. I don’t know what to do.

Submitted May 21, 2019 at 03:59PM

35F, 39M, together 7 years, married 3, 3 young kids-We have discussed how sad and lonely I feel in our marriage and in my life. There’s no emotional connection, no friendship, etc. I told him that sex isn’t the same for me as it is for him, that I don’t feel closer to him at all during sex now, I can’t relax, and, if anything, I feel more lonely and sad afterward. So his idea of having more sex to bring us closer does not work. We don’t even kiss when we have sex and the orgasm ratio is very skewed.-He recently told me that he’s never been in an emotionally intimate relationship and doesn’t know how and I think he expects me to magically teach him.-I can’t share my feelings with him. Any negative feeling he can’t handle, especially if they’re about him/us. He does the thing where he deflects everything, turns it around on me, gets mad at me, and then I’m the bad guy. If he’s home 2 hours late without calling, I’m the bad guy. He can’t handle if I don’t love a present he got me. He gets mopey, sad, and/or mad and ruins at least 2 days. It’s to the point now where I often lie and say I like everything, including new food we try or some sex position. (I don’t enjoy any sex with him now, so I have to lie. I don’t fake orgasms, just general enjoyment.) Once he found a journal of me saying things like this and he got SUPER pissed off at me. Not sad or bad because I feel so terrible.-if I feel good, happy, or excited about something, he kills it. Always. Then asks why I don’t want to do said thing anymore. Gets mad/mopey when I say because he ruined it.-He will randomly get pissed off about something, barely talk to me for hours, and then he’ll go off on me later. This has gotten better recently only because I’ve stopped letting him just shout over me.-What’s date night like? Few and far between, but it’s the same small talk convos we always have, that I despise. On our last date night, I implemented a rule of no talking about kids or work. He kept the waitress at our table for over 25 minutes, talking about kids and work. I got to eat and listen to them talk about the exact two things I didn’t want to talk about. He didn’t notice, but when I told him later, he first denied, then got mopey. So more eggshell walking, more anxiety. I try to avoid him as much as possible now. I don’t event want to be in the same room as him. When will he start complaining about something I have or haven’t done?You know that present people make with a deck of cards and it’s like “52 reasons I love you”? I can think of two: good dad and hard worker. I don’t think I love him anymore.He knows all of this. We’ve talked about all of this. There’s literally NO MONEY for divorce, so that is not an option. I don’t know what to do.