I'm in love with my gay best friend who is also my ex's cousin..

We met through my ex about 6 or 7 years ago and instantly hit it off in a very platonic way. I didn't know she was gay at first and she hadn't come out yet because she had a boyfriend at the time. As time passed by, we grew closer and closer but everything remained platonic. At some point, she came out to her closest family members, which included my ex, her cousin. So I found out and it obviously didn't change anything but it matters in this situation. Now my ex and her cousin were really close. They still are now, just not as much. So we all hung out a lot. My ex's cousin started dating a girl after a while, and mind you that everything is still very much platonic. All 4 of us got along so well. We hung out a lot and had the best of times. As the hangouts piled on, the more my ex's cousin and I grew closer. The chemistry between us was literally nothing like I've ever had with anyone..but again.. very much platonic. She was now my best friend. I got her a job where I work and we grew even closer there. We even felt comfortable enough sleeping on the same bed. We loved spending time together but our significant others started feeling a bit weird about it. They wouldn't want to hang out all together as much, if ever. My ex's cousin and I still managed to sneak in some hangouts here and there because for us we had no ill intention. A few years pass and now my ex's cousin and I are close AF but something happens.. my ex and I break up. I'm convinced I've lost the most important person in my life and I'm not even talking about my ex. I was more worried about losing her cousin than losing her! (Just an fyi, I know I'm a piece of shit). But somehow, by some miraculous feat of some higher power, her cousin still wants to be friends. (Just a little disclaimer, my ex's cousin hated how my ex treated me. Don't think that does anything but whatever). At this point my ex has moved on and I confide in her cousin about how torn I was. We grew even closer. Her cousin knew that we hung out but not to what extent. My now best friend and her girlfriend at the time have broken up. I am now the one that is there for her. Now we're planning vacations, getaways, hangouts, the whole 9. So she tells her cousin about how close we are and surprisingly, she is very ok with it. Now that we have the green light, we hang out as much as we can. At this point, I'm still not into her like that. We're still best friends. So she starts seeing another girl. We all hang out a lot. A very cool super laid back girl, so we thought. Long story short, that didn't work out and my best friend got played. So we fall back on each other once again. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I start falling for this girl but it was around this time. Which isn't very far from present day. I got to tell you (whoever is reading this), you'd fall for her too. She is the most caring, loving, generous, kind hearted person you'd ever meet and to top it all off she is literally the funniest person I've ever met. She absolutely lights up any room she's in. Anyway.. now we're both single again. I start falling for this girl at my new job. Like falling HARD. I didn't know what was happening and I obviously still wasn't aware of my feelings for my best friend. In hindsight, I guess I was looking to fill a void. I started hanging out with this other girl a lot and we got along really well. (Nowhere close to my best friend and I but still miles ahead of anyone else including my ex). Again, long story short, she ended up stringing me along and had a boyfriend the entire time. That's fine. I moved on relatively quick to my surprise. My best friend was against that relationship from the get go. I feel like I'm zooming through a lot of shit and I'm sorry. I'm sort of just venting at this point because I literally have no one else to talk about this to lol and again, I know I'm a piece of shit. My ex's cousin and I are literally soulmates at this point, the love I feel for her is beyond anything I'd ever thought possible. I guess I just didn't know how much it really was. We would always talk about how friends should be able to fuck without any complicated bullshit. My best friend and I just came back from a little trip to some chalet with some friends. During that time, something happened. We thought we were going to share a bed this whole time and we were both very ok with this as it was done before. But when we got there, we realized that we had two separate beds in one room. This bummed me out for some reason (Reasons clear to me now) and obviously it would be weird for us to leave the beds to anyone else as the only other people there were two couples. Yet I still heard her trying to give the beds away to both couples lol and I won't lie I was trying the same. So first night, I got a bit wasted and for some odd fucking reason, I decided to take my shit off my bed and sleep on the floor next to hers. Don't ask why. When we wake up, I say that this sucks because we're so far and she makes a comment along the lines of: "Yea you wanted a sleepover and this isn't a sleepover if we're this far". So my brain took that as a sign. I suggested I push both beds together tonight and she was down for that. So the day goes by and night times around the corner. I'm pretty beat so I head upstairs to move those beds together and get ready for bed. She comes upstairs not too long after me and says: "Don't worry I'm coming to bed soon" which means nothing, I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. She gets upstairs and comes into bed.. I'm telling you guys right now, this was hands absolutely the hell down, the funnest night I've ever had in my entire life. We stayed up and laughed for HOURS. Her laugh made my hairs stand up every time. After a very long time, we agreed to go to sleep. Now this is where things get crazy and also is the reason for this post. I woke up and completely out of nature, decided to hold her from the back as if to spoon her. She said: "Are you spooning me?" And I responded: "Yea.. is that ok?" And she nodded: "Yes". Now at this point, I should've retracted even if she said yes because it isn't right but, and I'm sure this is just me exaggerating, I kept feeling her push her butt against my junk every now and then. Like in the slightest way possible. Nothing else happened that night. We woke up and everything was back to normal, for me at least. I don't know what she was feeling but we were in the backyard at some point, and I apologized for spooning her and she laughed it off. Now present day, everything is back to normal and we still love each other very much. We had this talk today and we both said to each other that we were catches and anyone would be lucky to have us but I don't see it because again, I'm a piece of shit. Only difference is that now I realize that I am IN love with her, my gay best friend who is also my ex's cousin.

Submitted May 22, 2019 at 03:12AM

We met through my ex about 6 or 7 years ago and instantly hit it off in a very platonic way. I didn't know she was gay at first and she hadn't come out yet because she had a boyfriend at the time. As time passed by, we grew closer and closer but everything remained platonic. At some point, she came out to her closest family members, which included my ex, her cousin. So I found out and it obviously didn't change anything but it matters in this situation. Now my ex and her cousin were really close. They still are now, just not as much. So we all hung out a lot. My ex's cousin started dating a girl after a while, and mind you that everything is still very much platonic. All 4 of us got along so well. We hung out a lot and had the best of times. As the hangouts piled on, the more my ex's cousin and I grew closer. The chemistry between us was literally nothing like I've ever had with anyone..but again.. very much platonic. She was now my best friend. I got her a job where I work and we grew even closer there. We even felt comfortable enough sleeping on the same bed. We loved spending time together but our significant others started feeling a bit weird about it. They wouldn't want to hang out all together as much, if ever. My ex's cousin and I still managed to sneak in some hangouts here and there because for us we had no ill intention. A few years pass and now my ex's cousin and I are close AF but something happens.. my ex and I break up. I'm convinced I've lost the most important person in my life and I'm not even talking about my ex. I was more worried about losing her cousin than losing her! (Just an fyi, I know I'm a piece of shit). But somehow, by some miraculous feat of some higher power, her cousin still wants to be friends. (Just a little disclaimer, my ex's cousin hated how my ex treated me. Don't think that does anything but whatever). At this point my ex has moved on and I confide in her cousin about how torn I was. We grew even closer. Her cousin knew that we hung out but not to what extent. My now best friend and her girlfriend at the time have broken up. I am now the one that is there for her. Now we're planning vacations, getaways, hangouts, the whole 9. So she tells her cousin about how close we are and surprisingly, she is very ok with it. Now that we have the green light, we hang out as much as we can. At this point, I'm still not into her like that. We're still best friends. So she starts seeing another girl. We all hang out a lot. A very cool super laid back girl, so we thought. Long story short, that didn't work out and my best friend got played. So we fall back on each other once again. To be honest, I don't know exactly when I start falling for this girl but it was around this time. Which isn't very far from present day. I got to tell you (whoever is reading this), you'd fall for her too. She is the most caring, loving, generous, kind hearted person you'd ever meet and to top it all off she is literally the funniest person I've ever met. She absolutely lights up any room she's in. Anyway.. now we're both single again. I start falling for this girl at my new job. Like falling HARD. I didn't know what was happening and I obviously still wasn't aware of my feelings for my best friend. In hindsight, I guess I was looking to fill a void. I started hanging out with this other girl a lot and we got along really well. (Nowhere close to my best friend and I but still miles ahead of anyone else including my ex). Again, long story short, she ended up stringing me along and had a boyfriend the entire time. That's fine. I moved on relatively quick to my surprise. My best friend was against that relationship from the get go. I feel like I'm zooming through a lot of shit and I'm sorry. I'm sort of just venting at this point because I literally have no one else to talk about this to lol and again, I know I'm a piece of shit. My ex's cousin and I are literally soulmates at this point, the love I feel for her is beyond anything I'd ever thought possible. I guess I just didn't know how much it really was. We would always talk about how friends should be able to fuck without any complicated bullshit. My best friend and I just came back from a little trip to some chalet with some friends. During that time, something happened. We thought we were going to share a bed this whole time and we were both very ok with this as it was done before. But when we got there, we realized that we had two separate beds in one room. This bummed me out for some reason (Reasons clear to me now) and obviously it would be weird for us to leave the beds to anyone else as the only other people there were two couples. Yet I still heard her trying to give the beds away to both couples lol and I won't lie I was trying the same. So first night, I got a bit wasted and for some odd fucking reason, I decided to take my shit off my bed and sleep on the floor next to hers. Don't ask why. When we wake up, I say that this sucks because we're so far and she makes a comment along the lines of: "Yea you wanted a sleepover and this isn't a sleepover if we're this far". So my brain took that as a sign. I suggested I push both beds together tonight and she was down for that. So the day goes by and night times around the corner. I'm pretty beat so I head upstairs to move those beds together and get ready for bed. She comes upstairs not too long after me and says: "Don't worry I'm coming to bed soon" which means nothing, I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. She gets upstairs and comes into bed.. I'm telling you guys right now, this was hands absolutely the hell down, the funnest night I've ever had in my entire life. We stayed up and laughed for HOURS. Her laugh made my hairs stand up every time. After a very long time, we agreed to go to sleep. Now this is where things get crazy and also is the reason for this post. I woke up and completely out of nature, decided to hold her from the back as if to spoon her. She said: "Are you spooning me?" And I responded: "Yea.. is that ok?" And she nodded: "Yes". Now at this point, I should've retracted even if she said yes because it isn't right but, and I'm sure this is just me exaggerating, I kept feeling her push her butt against my junk every now and then. Like in the slightest way possible. Nothing else happened that night. We woke up and everything was back to normal, for me at least. I don't know what she was feeling but we were in the backyard at some point, and I apologized for spooning her and she laughed it off. Now present day, everything is back to normal and we still love each other very much. We had this talk today and we both said to each other that we were catches and anyone would be lucky to have us but I don't see it because again, I'm a piece of shit. Only difference is that now I realize that I am IN love with her, my gay best friend who is also my ex's cousin.