Dude I'm Seeing Says He's Interested in Another Woman

New here. Need advice.

I'm a woman in my early forties. Divorced 5 years ago. I've been seeing someone who I really like. We've known each other for over a decade, and have always had a lot of mutual respect. He asked me out about six weeks ago. We've seen each other at least weekly since, and have been intimate since our second date. The chemistry is off-the-charts, and we really like each other. However, two weeks ago, he brought up "the talk," and seemed to hint at some hesitation to get more involved. Since then, we've had the talk two more times. On the second occasion, I learned that he is interested in someone else. Apparently he's known her for a while too, and had begun talking with her romantically before he asked me out. But he says he is not seeing her, and has not been intimate with her. There's nothing there but his interest. He has communicated that he likes me (which I already know; the connection is strong), but basically, he wants to keep his options open. At this second talk, I said that I needed to end things with him, sexually. I was nice about it, understanding about where he's coming from, but just said I need to put on the breaks. But then, over a matter of a few days, he increased his attention significantly, and we slept together again (face palm). I then brought up the talk a third time, to clarify if his increased attention had been because he had reconsidered, and felt that he did want to pursue things with me without another person in the picture. His answer was no, his position has not changed. He's still interested in a hypothetical potential with another. Again, I listened calmly, said I understood, and told him he should go pursue her, and that I would be stepping away, as I can't be party to his seeing another. Then I got dressed and left.

However, we work together and have to see each other A LOT. There's also a strong likelihood I'll see this other woman, as he's mentioned wanting to invite her to see the work we've been doing. So, the navigation of all of this is much more complex and sensitive than me just walking away and not having to see him.

As for your advice, I'm wondering if I handled this correctly. I am actively trying to NOT put pressure on him, and to just draw my own boundaries. And yet, I LIKE HIM SO MUCH. I can really see us having something significant and lasting. So, my heart hurts, and I wonder if there's anything I could or should be doing differently to affect a positive outcome. A lot of people throw around the idea that men "love bitches," and that I should have been angrier, or more like "aw HELL no," in my communication style. But that's not my style, and I don't want to manipulate or be inauthentic.

Your thoughts welcome.

(F*ck, why does this have to be so hard?)

Submitted May 22, 2019 at 12:56AM

New here. Need advice.I'm a woman in my early forties. Divorced 5 years ago. I've been seeing someone who I really like. We've known each other for over a decade, and have always had a lot of mutual respect. He asked me out about six weeks ago. We've seen each other at least weekly since, and have been intimate since our second date. The chemistry is off-the-charts, and we really like each other. However, two weeks ago, he brought up "the talk," and seemed to hint at some hesitation to get more involved. Since then, we've had the talk two more times. On the second occasion, I learned that he is interested in someone else. Apparently he's known her for a while too, and had begun talking with her romantically before he asked me out. But he says he is not seeing her, and has not been intimate with her. There's nothing there but his interest. He has communicated that he likes me (which I already know; the connection is strong), but basically, he wants to keep his options open. At this second talk, I said that I needed to end things with him, sexually. I was nice about it, understanding about where he's coming from, but just said I need to put on the breaks. But then, over a matter of a few days, he increased his attention significantly, and we slept together again (face palm). I then brought up the talk a third time, to clarify if his increased attention had been because he had reconsidered, and felt that he did want to pursue things with me without another person in the picture. His answer was no, his position has not changed. He's still interested in a hypothetical potential with another. Again, I listened calmly, said I understood, and told him he should go pursue her, and that I would be stepping away, as I can't be party to his seeing another. Then I got dressed and left.However, we work together and have to see each other A LOT. There's also a strong likelihood I'll see this other woman, as he's mentioned wanting to invite her to see the work we've been doing. So, the navigation of all of this is much more complex and sensitive than me just walking away and not having to see him.As for your advice, I'm wondering if I handled this correctly. I am actively trying to NOT put pressure on him, and to just draw my own boundaries. And yet, I LIKE HIM SO MUCH. I can really see us having something significant and lasting. So, my heart hurts, and I wonder if there's anything I could or should be doing differently to affect a positive outcome. A lot of people throw around the idea that men "love bitches," and that I should have been angrier, or more like "aw HELL no," in my communication style. But that's not my style, and I don't want to manipulate or be inauthentic.Your thoughts welcome.(F*ck, why does this have to be so hard?)