Upcoming Wedding, Not Sure What To Do [34M] [32F] (Together 4.5 years)

TL;DR I get married in 4 days and I don't know what to do. I both equally want to do it and think its a bad idea at the same time. This was an email draft I was going to write to a few family members, but posted here instead.

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Per usual, I don't know what to do.

Its happened consistently throughout my life, and of course a big decision like a wedding is no exception as I've come to find out. Probably even more exacerbated by the fact that its not such an easy thing to just "change" if it doesn't work out. 

Every single day, since Around mid February, I haven't been sure whether to go through with this wedding. The first time I told Jessica was in late February sometime. She talked me down that it sounded like it was more the gravity of the event than not wanting to be with her. I agreed, because the thought of breaking up or not being with her seemed like not the right choice either. In my heart I didn't want to do that, and in my head I didn't want to do that either.

Problem is... This happened a few more times with the most recent being about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I'd say I'm amazed she is still with me despite the uncertainty, but I believe she is truly 100% invested and loves me. Maybe she fears not finding someone else or other things as to why she stayed after being told many times I was uncertain about getting married, although I'm sure she would deny that.

I didn't tell anyone else because I figured anyone on my side of the family or friends would immediately take my side and be heavily biased; cut your losses and move on type advice. I didn't reach out to a therapist or a 3rd party because planning a wedding and being in school and being in work was probably the worst idea ever and I don't know why I agreed to the timeline I did. Heart over head, I guess. Too much stress, maybe? Don't know. But I didn't reach out to them because I guess... I don't really know why. Bad decisions I guess.

The stranger oddity yet to all this, is that literally every hour of every single day since February, I go from wanting to go through with it, to thinking this could be a big mistake -- that there could be someone better out there for me, or for her even. I do love her. It is easy to be with her, we share almost all the same values, laugh a lot together and do goofy things together, spend time on the beach or watch netflix or be with friends at a bar -- doesn't matter, its all fun and we have practically 0 issue living together and have embraced fully how each of us are as cohabitants. Things just are... comfortable with her in a way that makes things easy, and nice. If I didn't feel and think all those things, I would have never proposed and gone through all of it. I really did think this is what I wanted for so long, and in many ways, still do.

I still feel like that now, just in this weird pattern. For example, from 10 am to 11 am, excited to do it. from noon to 1... whoa this is a mistake, this is a mistake, I need to call it off. 1 to 2... excited... 2 to 3... not... on and on and on. I haven't slept a full 7 or 8 hours since probably March sometime.

I guess the reason I finally said something now is the anxiety and the fact that I truly don't know what to do has become too much for me to bare by myself. And the fact that I'm literally out of time, and want to save people the time and effort in traveling if they don't need to (not that many traveling from far, but two couples). I am emotionally spent. I truly, 100% do not know what to do. Both breaking it off and doing this in 4 days both sound equally bad and equally good to me. It is the strangest dichotomy I've ever experienced in my life to this point.

I probably should have emailed you this 100 some days ago... I don't know why I didn't. I guess I blame so many things swirling around my head at the same time (school, work, wedding planning) and making too many assumptions how you would react. Or maybe I am just scared to hear the truth? Maybe I was afraid of embarrassing myself, although that is only exponentially going to be worse now if I don't go through with the wedding. But anyway...

I've really done it this time, got myself into quite a spot here -- and even worse, am affecting someone else's life GREATLY either way. I know you can't fix something like this, not asking you to really.  I guess the only thing I can do is lean on you for advice, as I've done many times selfishly in the past.

How do you know what to do, when you don't know what to do?

We could get married and I could truly see us being happy for the foreseeable future and, probably, well beyond into all the years that remain.

Then we could get married, and a week/month/year or two later I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was a mistake -- that this wasn't supposed to happen. And now its a much stickier situation at that point...

I'm out of time and just really need help

Submitted May 14, 2019 at 05:05AM

TL;DR I get married in 4 days and I don't know what to do. I both equally want to do it and think its a bad idea at the same time. This was an email draft I was going to write to a few family members, but posted here instead.​Per usual, I don't know what to do.Its happened consistently throughout my life, and of course a big decision like a wedding is no exception as I've come to find out. Probably even more exacerbated by the fact that its not such an easy thing to just "change" if it doesn't work out. Every single day, since Around mid February, I haven't been sure whether to go through with this wedding. The first time I told Jessica was in late February sometime. She talked me down that it sounded like it was more the gravity of the event than not wanting to be with her. I agreed, because the thought of breaking up or not being with her seemed like not the right choice either. In my heart I didn't want to do that, and in my head I didn't want to do that either.Problem is... This happened a few more times with the most recent being about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I'd say I'm amazed she is still with me despite the uncertainty, but I believe she is truly 100% invested and loves me. Maybe she fears not finding someone else or other things as to why she stayed after being told many times I was uncertain about getting married, although I'm sure she would deny that.I didn't tell anyone else because I figured anyone on my side of the family or friends would immediately take my side and be heavily biased; cut your losses and move on type advice. I didn't reach out to a therapist or a 3rd party because planning a wedding and being in school and being in work was probably the worst idea ever and I don't know why I agreed to the timeline I did. Heart over head, I guess. Too much stress, maybe? Don't know. But I didn't reach out to them because I guess... I don't really know why. Bad decisions I guess.The stranger oddity yet to all this, is that literally every hour of every single day since February, I go from wanting to go through with it, to thinking this could be a big mistake -- that there could be someone better out there for me, or for her even. I do love her. It is easy to be with her, we share almost all the same values, laugh a lot together and do goofy things together, spend time on the beach or watch netflix or be with friends at a bar -- doesn't matter, its all fun and we have practically 0 issue living together and have embraced fully how each of us are as cohabitants. Things just are... comfortable with her in a way that makes things easy, and nice. If I didn't feel and think all those things, I would have never proposed and gone through all of it. I really did think this is what I wanted for so long, and in many ways, still do.I still feel like that now, just in this weird pattern. For example, from 10 am to 11 am, excited to do it. from noon to 1... whoa this is a mistake, this is a mistake, I need to call it off. 1 to 2... excited... 2 to 3... not... on and on and on. I haven't slept a full 7 or 8 hours since probably March sometime.I guess the reason I finally said something now is the anxiety and the fact that I truly don't know what to do has become too much for me to bare by myself. And the fact that I'm literally out of time, and want to save people the time and effort in traveling if they don't need to (not that many traveling from far, but two couples). I am emotionally spent. I truly, 100% do not know what to do. Both breaking it off and doing this in 4 days both sound equally bad and equally good to me. It is the strangest dichotomy I've ever experienced in my life to this point.I probably should have emailed you this 100 some days ago... I don't know why I didn't. I guess I blame so many things swirling around my head at the same time (school, work, wedding planning) and making too many assumptions how you would react. Or maybe I am just scared to hear the truth? Maybe I was afraid of embarrassing myself, although that is only exponentially going to be worse now if I don't go through with the wedding. But anyway...I've really done it this time, got myself into quite a spot here -- and even worse, am affecting someone else's life GREATLY either way. I know you can't fix something like this, not asking you to really.  I guess the only thing I can do is lean on you for advice, as I've done many times selfishly in the past.How do you know what to do, when you don't know what to do?We could get married and I could truly see us being happy for the foreseeable future and, probably, well beyond into all the years that remain.Then we could get married, and a week/month/year or two later I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was a mistake -- that this wasn't supposed to happen. And now its a much stickier situation at that point...I'm out of time and just really need help