Grief, the third wheel of our marriage

We found out earlier this year that my dad had an aggressive cancer with no treatment options. My now husband and I (both in our early thirties) decided to move up our wedding and got married 5 weeks before my dad passed away. He was my rock through the ups and downs of my dad’s illness, as well as the rollercoaster that came with throwing (what turned out to be a beautiful wedding) in just a few weeks. I’ll be forever grateful to him that he understood without explanation how important it was to have my dad celebrate with us.

It’s been just over a month since dad passed, and the grief is just as intense (if not more so). Through shit luck, I knew to expect this because I lost my mom a few years ago (before my husband and I met). The pain really settles in when everyone has gone back to their lives and you’re trying to, only there’s a huge hole. It’s awful and terrible but I’m riding the waves of grief and getting back into work and daily life. Basically I have periods of intense pain that hit me with and without warning, but am functioning well and am pretty sure everything I’m feeling is part of the typical grieving process.

With my mom I felt so much anger at everyone afterwards (how could life go on as normal when I felt destroyed)! I don’t feel like that this time, but it’s hard not to feel some degree of... disconnection I suppose... from my husband because I know he doesn’t understand. My husband is kind and empathic, but he’s a fixer and also logical. He hasn’t even lost a grandparent yet, let alone an immediate family members who’s lives have been cut short. He doesn’t realize this isn’t something that can be fixed and barring time, what I’m going through is totally normal. He doesn’t get that normal family celebrations for him (Easter, Mother’s Day, etc) are highly painful for me and will also be somewhat bittersweet, even when the pain has died down. He doesn’t get that I’m throwing myself back into everyday life but that I still reach for my phone on my drive home to call Dad because that’s when I used to call him just to say hi (and that everyday life is full of these moments). I don’t want him to get it, because it means he would have had to experience a loss like this of his own.

So now, I feel like I’m also grieving the loss of our honeymoon period and this amazing connection I had with him. I know we will get through it. We’re keeping communication open as much as possible, practicing patience, and trying to forgive quickly. We’re committed to choosing each other. We’re also both thinking about therapy (I know I have some trauma to work through given my dad’s rapid decline and he’s expressed frustration that he doesn’t know how to support me now). It’s just hard because I don’t always have the words or emotional reserve to get him to understand how I’m feeling, which just makes the distance between us feel larger.

All of this is to say, for those of you who experienced losses that fundamentally changed your life, how did this change your marriage? Was there anything that helped you weather it together? Anything to avoid? Is it even possible to get back to enjoy the newlywed stage or am I too early in grief right now for that to be possible? Thanks in advance.

Submitted May 03, 2019 at 03:47AM

We found out earlier this year that my dad had an aggressive cancer with no treatment options. My now husband and I (both in our early thirties) decided to move up our wedding and got married 5 weeks before my dad passed away. He was my rock through the ups and downs of my dad’s illness, as well as the rollercoaster that came with throwing (what turned out to be a beautiful wedding) in just a few weeks. I’ll be forever grateful to him that he understood without explanation how important it was to have my dad celebrate with us.It’s been just over a month since dad passed, and the grief is just as intense (if not more so). Through shit luck, I knew to expect this because I lost my mom a few years ago (before my husband and I met). The pain really settles in when everyone has gone back to their lives and you’re trying to, only there’s a huge hole. It’s awful and terrible but I’m riding the waves of grief and getting back into work and daily life. Basically I have periods of intense pain that hit me with and without warning, but am functioning well and am pretty sure everything I’m feeling is part of the typical grieving process.With my mom I felt so much anger at everyone afterwards (how could life go on as normal when I felt destroyed)! I don’t feel like that this time, but it’s hard not to feel some degree of... disconnection I suppose... from my husband because I know he doesn’t understand. My husband is kind and empathic, but he’s a fixer and also logical. He hasn’t even lost a grandparent yet, let alone an immediate family members who’s lives have been cut short. He doesn’t realize this isn’t something that can be fixed and barring time, what I’m going through is totally normal. He doesn’t get that normal family celebrations for him (Easter, Mother’s Day, etc) are highly painful for me and will also be somewhat bittersweet, even when the pain has died down. He doesn’t get that I’m throwing myself back into everyday life but that I still reach for my phone on my drive home to call Dad because that’s when I used to call him just to say hi (and that everyday life is full of these moments). I don’t want him to get it, because it means he would have had to experience a loss like this of his own.So now, I feel like I’m also grieving the loss of our honeymoon period and this amazing connection I had with him. I know we will get through it. We’re keeping communication open as much as possible, practicing patience, and trying to forgive quickly. We’re committed to choosing each other. We’re also both thinking about therapy (I know I have some trauma to work through given my dad’s rapid decline and he’s expressed frustration that he doesn’t know how to support me now). It’s just hard because I don’t always have the words or emotional reserve to get him to understand how I’m feeling, which just makes the distance between us feel larger.All of this is to say, for those of you who experienced losses that fundamentally changed your life, how did this change your marriage? Was there anything that helped you weather it together? Anything to avoid? Is it even possible to get back to enjoy the newlywed stage or am I too early in grief right now for that to be possible? Thanks in advance.