A mild story of the one I can’t quite shake off.

My story actually currently falls into a loop, and both of us did some rejecting of each other only to end up barely short of where we left off, funnily enough.

I met my previous (and now current) crush through a mutual friends’ snapchat last February-March. It was quite a shitty way to meet, really. She logged into his account to keep his snapstreaks going and I was one of them. Saw her, rose my brows and promptly engaged in conversation. It went something like this:

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Her: “I’m Xs friend. Who the hell are you?”

Me: “Get off his snap, I want him back.”

Her: “Sure, I’ll log off his snap then..”

Me: “Great! Just make sure to snap me from your own account next time.”

And she actually added me. I was pretty happy with the accomplishment itself, and we hit it off okay-ly. After maybe some 2 weeks of conversation increasing in frequency, we were texting daily. Over the next months we switched over to whatsapp and skyped almost every day, followed eachother on instagram, all that jazz.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of femininity, I realise now. I’ve never enjoyed overly dainty girls or someone who follows classic expected behaviour of women in society. But I’m also not too attracted to pure masculinity or tomboys, either. Somehow, this girl managed to find the sweetspot between both. She wasn’t ever too sensitive. She’d call me a cunt. An asshole. Accuse my dick of being small (as much in playfulness as when I was being an actual displeasure). She’d contest what I’d say with valuable arguments, challenge my thinking and establish herself as needing no taking care of when things got tough. All the while still being sweet, caring and silly. Annoyingly vain in an endearing way and... occasionally classy. She likes to stay at home reading or go to bars for a few drinks. I like to stay at home thinking or go clubbing and do drugs. We laugh about our weekend stories and mock stupid events. She’s a metalhead who writes soft poetry with an absolutely spectacular brain which I can’t get enough of. I can tell she’s poised for great success in life. Where we differed, it felt complementary. Where we’d disagree, we’d respect each opinion. She’s in favour of polygamy and against marriage. I want to have 5 kids with one single woman, someday. But she reinvented love for me. I hadn’t felt a connection with someone in years and never this strong. In essence... I was convinced we’d work out. Probably not forever, but that wasn’t what I hoped for. I just wanted the pleasure of having her be a more significant part of my life.

The thing was: She lives in a different city, in a different state from me, so I was holding myself back a lot to prevent any disappointment. To top that off, I’d never actually had a face-to-face conversation with her but I’d seen her physically before several times at a Model United Nations conference (our schools both frequently attend those, being international private schools in South America), but never close enough to see her face properly.

But, in September we’d finally be able to meet properly at the next MUN conference and we’d spent the past month and a half hyping that up. I was absolutely ecstatic because I’ve a rocky love record and a bad emotional scar from my first relationship and until then failed to connect with anyone else as much, but she was and is the person I best see myself with today.

Come September, first break of the conference we immediately buzz at each others phones, agreeing to meet at the cafeteria. And then I see her with a stupid smile on her face, walking over towards me after I hear my name called. I meet her halfway, give her a tight hug and introduce her to my mate which was with me. He leaves us to our own and I’m all head-over-heels, completely scrambled in my brain as I realise she’s just as sweet in conversation in person as through a screen. Except that was cut short to only 5 minutes. Suddenly a friend of hers walks by crying and she excuses herself, as she should of course. No problem, I’d just catch her next break.

Except not really. She ignored my texts for the next 2 breaks we had. I walked past her while chatting with my mate, hoping she’d come over to join. and she just... didn’t. And right then I realised that I was wasting my time. So I just... Walked away, back to my conference room. Day ends, no word from her anywhere. Next day comes by and I think she gave me a half-assed apology. I skipped the conference to stay at home because, truth be told, I only went to this one because of her and felt overall disappointed, rather than sad.

She gave no signs of life in the next few days, I don’t think. I just shrugged it off as a mild sadness settled in. She eventually DID text with a decent explanation and apologised but I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore, and it was totally okay. She was too busy with private affairs and I recognised that I was putting more effort into it than her quick enough.

A few weeks go by and I felt pretty bummed about it, so I decided to ghost her completely and move on with my life. I felt pretty proud of myself because a big mistake I made was chasing after my ex (for months) after she dumped me and that was the end of it, for me. Or so I thought.

To shorten up this bit, the emotional discomfort I felt faded around November as I faced some other, bigger emotional issues. Pulled through that slump by January and I’ve been spectacular since. Given my overall satisfaction with everything in life, I decided to DM her on Instagram “just to see how she was doing”.

She replied. She apologised for cold-shouldering me. I apologised for ghosting her and being childish. She thanked me for reaching out. I thanked her for replying. She justified her “lacking investment in a relationship or whatever could be” (her words) in her “still needing to mature a lot”. I didn’t expect that one, for sure. And, well... Things are as is today. We only text now, and on occasion. Maybe 3-4 times a week because we’re starting exam period now but it always makes my day. I bet she knows I still like her. I mean- I practically tell her in half-irony, and she tells me similar things all in the same energy. Of course, my self-doubt will get in the way of that for fear of misinterpreting her signals, but it’s part of my playing style, I guess.

Never thought I’d see or hear from her again, much less rekindle that relationship. We might see each other in July. She says she’s coming to my city and wants to see me. The conflict rises here though, because I do feel quite hesitant to engage much now. We move to Europe next year a lot closer than we are right now, so it wouldn’t be as difficult as now. I don’t know if I want a relationship, because I’m still working a lot on my own development. It’s still very unclear to me. Is it a good time? Is it the right path to follow? Will it be worth it? Will it even work out?

I’m scared of being dropped again or me screwing up once more, but, by god...

She’s one girl which I just can’t quite shake off right now.

TL;DR :

• Met girl on friend’s snapchat. She lives far away.
• Got her snap, great success!
• Crush hard on her over next months
• Finally get to meet, she talks to me for 5 min and avoids me for rest of day. No explanation.
• Stop talking to eachother
• Decide to ghost her as I begin to miss her, figuring it best be cut sooner
• Get over it as depressive episode sets in
• Get over episode. Happy it ended. Decide to text her. She replies and we start talking again.
• Crushing hard again. Oh well!

Submitted May 03, 2019 at 04:08AM

My story actually currently falls into a loop, and both of us did some rejecting of each other only to end up barely short of where we left off, funnily enough.I met my previous (and now current) crush through a mutual friends’ snapchat last February-March. It was quite a shitty way to meet, really. She logged into his account to keep his snapstreaks going and I was one of them. Saw her, rose my brows and promptly engaged in conversation. It went something like this:Me: “Who the hell are you?”Her: “I’m Xs friend. Who the hell are you?”Me: “Get off his snap, I want him back.”Her: “Sure, I’ll log off his snap then..”Me: “Great! Just make sure to snap me from your own account next time.”And she actually added me. I was pretty happy with the accomplishment itself, and we hit it off okay-ly. After maybe some 2 weeks of conversation increasing in frequency, we were texting daily. Over the next months we switched over to whatsapp and skyped almost every day, followed eachother on instagram, all that jazz.I’ve never been the biggest fan of femininity, I realise now. I’ve never enjoyed overly dainty girls or someone who follows classic expected behaviour of women in society. But I’m also not too attracted to pure masculinity or tomboys, either. Somehow, this girl managed to find the sweetspot between both. She wasn’t ever too sensitive. She’d call me a cunt. An asshole. Accuse my dick of being small (as much in playfulness as when I was being an actual displeasure). She’d contest what I’d say with valuable arguments, challenge my thinking and establish herself as needing no taking care of when things got tough. All the while still being sweet, caring and silly. Annoyingly vain in an endearing way and... occasionally classy. She likes to stay at home reading or go to bars for a few drinks. I like to stay at home thinking or go clubbing and do drugs. We laugh about our weekend stories and mock stupid events. She’s a metalhead who writes soft poetry with an absolutely spectacular brain which I can’t get enough of. I can tell she’s poised for great success in life. Where we differed, it felt complementary. Where we’d disagree, we’d respect each opinion. She’s in favour of polygamy and against marriage. I want to have 5 kids with one single woman, someday. But she reinvented love for me. I hadn’t felt a connection with someone in years and never this strong. In essence... I was convinced we’d work out. Probably not forever, but that wasn’t what I hoped for. I just wanted the pleasure of having her be a more significant part of my life.The thing was: She lives in a different city, in a different state from me, so I was holding myself back a lot to prevent any disappointment. To top that off, I’d never actually had a face-to-face conversation with her but I’d seen her physically before several times at a Model United Nations conference (our schools both frequently attend those, being international private schools in South America), but never close enough to see her face properly.But, in September we’d finally be able to meet properly at the next MUN conference and we’d spent the past month and a half hyping that up. I was absolutely ecstatic because I’ve a rocky love record and a bad emotional scar from my first relationship and until then failed to connect with anyone else as much, but she was and is the person I best see myself with today.Come September, first break of the conference we immediately buzz at each others phones, agreeing to meet at the cafeteria. And then I see her with a stupid smile on her face, walking over towards me after I hear my name called. I meet her halfway, give her a tight hug and introduce her to my mate which was with me. He leaves us to our own and I’m all head-over-heels, completely scrambled in my brain as I realise she’s just as sweet in conversation in person as through a screen. Except that was cut short to only 5 minutes. Suddenly a friend of hers walks by crying and she excuses herself, as she should of course. No problem, I’d just catch her next break.Except not really. She ignored my texts for the next 2 breaks we had. I walked past her while chatting with my mate, hoping she’d come over to join. and she just... didn’t. And right then I realised that I was wasting my time. So I just... Walked away, back to my conference room. Day ends, no word from her anywhere. Next day comes by and I think she gave me a half-assed apology. I skipped the conference to stay at home because, truth be told, I only went to this one because of her and felt overall disappointed, rather than sad.She gave no signs of life in the next few days, I don’t think. I just shrugged it off as a mild sadness settled in. She eventually DID text with a decent explanation and apologised but I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore, and it was totally okay. She was too busy with private affairs and I recognised that I was putting more effort into it than her quick enough.A few weeks go by and I felt pretty bummed about it, so I decided to ghost her completely and move on with my life. I felt pretty proud of myself because a big mistake I made was chasing after my ex (for months) after she dumped me and that was the end of it, for me. Or so I thought.To shorten up this bit, the emotional discomfort I felt faded around November as I faced some other, bigger emotional issues. Pulled through that slump by January and I’ve been spectacular since. Given my overall satisfaction with everything in life, I decided to DM her on Instagram “just to see how she was doing”.She replied. She apologised for cold-shouldering me. I apologised for ghosting her and being childish. She thanked me for reaching out. I thanked her for replying. She justified her “lacking investment in a relationship or whatever could be” (her words) in her “still needing to mature a lot”. I didn’t expect that one, for sure. And, well... Things are as is today. We only text now, and on occasion. Maybe 3-4 times a week because we’re starting exam period now but it always makes my day. I bet she knows I still like her. I mean- I practically tell her in half-irony, and she tells me similar things all in the same energy. Of course, my self-doubt will get in the way of that for fear of misinterpreting her signals, but it’s part of my playing style, I guess.Never thought I’d see or hear from her again, much less rekindle that relationship. We might see each other in July. She says she’s coming to my city and wants to see me. The conflict rises here though, because I do feel quite hesitant to engage much now. We move to Europe next year a lot closer than we are right now, so it wouldn’t be as difficult as now. I don’t know if I want a relationship, because I’m still working a lot on my own development. It’s still very unclear to me. Is it a good time? Is it the right path to follow? Will it be worth it? Will it even work out?I’m scared of being dropped again or me screwing up once more, but, by god...She’s one girl which I just can’t quite shake off right now.TL;DR :Met girl on friend’s snapchat. She lives far away.Got her snap, great success!Crush hard on her over next monthsFinally get to meet, she talks to me for 5 min and avoids me for rest of day. No explanation.Stop talking to eachotherDecide to ghost her as I begin to miss her, figuring it best be cut soonerGet over it as depressive episode sets inGet over episode. Happy it ended. Decide to text her. She replies and we start talking again.Crushing hard again. Oh well!