Our Sex Life is Way Better Now

​

When my husband and I first started dating, he watched porn regularly. As a sex ed teacher and sex researcher, I knew that porn could have some bad effects on your sex life but I enjoyed it myself from time-to-time and saw some benefits. I was a strong feminist interested in a liberated, fulfilling sex life so why rule out a whole activity on a little bit of research that probably didn’t apply to us. He wasn’t watching it at work, jeopardizing his job, or obsessively masturbating so it couldn’t be all that bad?

Like most young love, our sex life started out hot and heavy. We had sex multiple times each day, in all the strange places and positions that make you regret skipping so many yoga classes. I specifically remember having sex one day while he was on a conference call – lots of use of the mute button.

After the initial haze wore off, I started to realize that our sex wasn’t that good. First off, he could only climax in one position, which was a great position sometimes but got boring pretty quickly when I knew that once we went there, sex was going to be done soon. I realized that the position was the same position he “assumed” when masturbating. In fact, he couldn’t keep his erection very long unless we were in that specific position. If I found a position where I thought I could get off, I’d never make it because he’d lose his hard-on before the time came.

It was both frustrating and embarrassing. I was torn because he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company but he was kind of a sex jerk. Sex was all about keeping him hard and just kind of being willing and able while he assumes the position and finishes. He shared specific fantasies that jumped straight to degrading. Some of it sounded fun (minus the rape fantasies) but I didn’t see him asking me what my fantasies were and not one of those fantasies seemed to be inspired by me. None of this jerkiness aligned with what I knew and liked about him. I might have been actually having sex often but I just never felt fulfilled or like I was even part of it.

Being the researcher I was, I dove into the science a bit. I found out about something called “PIED,” which is Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. I was no doctor but I was sure that’s what he had. Sometimes you just know… and I knew.

I also knew that I really liked this guy and, if I went too much further in the relationship, I’d be “hooked” and not be able to leave as easily so I was straight with him. I told him, “I want a good sex life. We don’t have it and the main reason is your porn use. I don’t want to feel like a prude about it and I definitely don’t want to be the porn police so I think we should just break up.” After talking about it, he said he’d rather just give it up. I can’t pretend like I wasn’t extremely flattered.

It took about 3 weeks of grumpiness but, after that, our sex life got significantly better and better. His degrading fantasies turned a little more me-focused and he could finish in a lot of different positions. It finally felt like we were sexual partners and I was fulfilled and excited to explore some curiosities. The best way to describe it is that I felt like dessert being devoured.

It was then that I realized that telling my Hubby that I wouldn’t put up with the porn use wasn’t me being a prude – it was actually just the opposite. I’m sure there are some people out there that can watch porn regularly and have good sex, or even incorporate it into time with their partner but that didn’t work for my husband. In the end, we chose good sex over good porn.

Submitted April 30, 2019 at 07:24PM

​When my husband and I first started dating, he watched porn regularly. As a sex ed teacher and sex researcher, I knew that porn could have some bad effects on your sex life but I enjoyed it myself from time-to-time and saw some benefits. I was a strong feminist interested in a liberated, fulfilling sex life so why rule out a whole activity on a little bit of research that probably didn’t apply to us. He wasn’t watching it at work, jeopardizing his job, or obsessively masturbating so it couldn’t be all that bad?Like most young love, our sex life started out hot and heavy. We had sex multiple times each day, in all the strange places and positions that make you regret skipping so many yoga classes. I specifically remember having sex one day while he was on a conference call – lots of use of the mute button.After the initial haze wore off, I started to realize that our sex wasn’t that good. First off, he could only climax in one position, which was a great position sometimes but got boring pretty quickly when I knew that once we went there, sex was going to be done soon. I realized that the position was the same position he “assumed” when masturbating. In fact, he couldn’t keep his erection very long unless we were in that specific position. If I found a position where I thought I could get off, I’d never make it because he’d lose his hard-on before the time came.It was both frustrating and embarrassing. I was torn because he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company but he was kind of a sex jerk. Sex was all about keeping him hard and just kind of being willing and able while he assumes the position and finishes. He shared specific fantasies that jumped straight to degrading. Some of it sounded fun (minus the rape fantasies) but I didn’t see him asking me what my fantasies were and not one of those fantasies seemed to be inspired by me. None of this jerkiness aligned with what I knew and liked about him. I might have been actually having sex often but I just never felt fulfilled or like I was even part of it.Being the researcher I was, I dove into the science a bit. I found out about something called “PIED,” which is Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. I was no doctor but I was sure that’s what he had. Sometimes you just know… and I knew.I also knew that I really liked this guy and, if I went too much further in the relationship, I’d be “hooked” and not be able to leave as easily so I was straight with him. I told him, “I want a good sex life. We don’t have it and the main reason is your porn use. I don’t want to feel like a prude about it and I definitely don’t want to be the porn police so I think we should just break up.” After talking about it, he said he’d rather just give it up. I can’t pretend like I wasn’t extremely flattered.It took about 3 weeks of grumpiness but, after that, our sex life got significantly better and better. His degrading fantasies turned a little more me-focused and he could finish in a lot of different positions. It finally felt like we were sexual partners and I was fulfilled and excited to explore some curiosities. The best way to describe it is that I felt like dessert being devoured.It was then that I realized that telling my Hubby that I wouldn’t put up with the porn use wasn’t me being a prude – it was actually just the opposite. I’m sure there are some people out there that can watch porn regularly and have good sex, or even incorporate it into time with their partner but that didn’t work for my husband. In the end, we chose good sex over good porn.