My mom [52F] really wants a house, but my dad [53M] won't give her that. It's destroying their marriage slowly.

tl;dr: My dad is military and retired 8 years ago. Since they are finally stationary, my mom really wants a house. We currently live in a townhouse and my mom frequently brings up buying a house, but it wasn't serious until they found a realtor recently. Today, we found a near perfect house and everyone seemed onboard, but my dad. My mom and dad's dream of a perfect house seem to conflict each other, with my dad being unreasonable. Everytime my mom gets my dad on board to buy a house, my dad pulls back and doesn't seem to move past the step of signing the papers. This frustrates my mom and she is at her breaking point and may make a drastic move that could make the tension worse in their marriage.

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Context/Background

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My dad and my mom have two kids: my brother (26M) and I (17M). My dad spent 25+ years in the Air Force and he retired in November of 2011. Throughout his service, we moved a lot. My dad really never saw the benefit of getting a house because we moved every 3 to 4 years. We spent the majority of his time in the military in townhouses, apartments, and military housing; however, now that my dad is retired and there are no plans on moving any time soon, my mom is starting to see a house as a necessity. We currently live in a two-story townhouse

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Situation

At first, my mom was fine with living in the current townhouse. This was because my dad speculated that he wanted to move; however, when I started middle school, he wanted me to finish school in one place and my mom enjoys her current job,, so the moving plans were quickly thrown out. My mom has brought up buying a house frequently, but they have never gotten serious about the search until recently.

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They finally got a realtor that shows them houses and this is good. There have been some ups and downs, but my parents, my brother, and I have settled on a house we all like - sort of. The main obstacle that is stopping my parents from buying a house is my dad. He has a lot of requirements that are somewhat reasonable or conflict with my mother. This includes: a corner lot so that he doesn't have to deal with a lot of neighbors (literally just killed a huge chunk of potential houses); a garage (not too bad); cheap house (I'll get to this later); and, a large backyard.

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My mother is somewhat picky and stubborn, but I don't think she is being unreasonable. She wants a house is a "move-in ready", which I think is fair. My dad has this fixated idea (however I'll give him this - he has loosen up to the idea) of getting a "fixer-upper" house. My mom wouldn't be against the idea if my dad actually knew how to and/or put in the repair the house. In the last 8 years we've lived where we are I've never seen my dad fix anything and he'll be the first person to pick up the phone to call the plumber. My mom wants something she can enjoy. Something that she can come home and relax in. She told me that if they got a fixer upper, she'd feel uncomfortable and would work extra shifts, just so that she wouldn't have to come home and look at the house.

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One thing I should mention about the cheap house requirement is that it is not impossible, but it's pretty damn difficult. My dad wants a house in the inner city where closes can cost as much as $750,000 and the median house where I live in around $280-300,000. My dad is not willing to pay for that because he sees most of these houses as "cookie-cutter houses," and most of the inner-city houses are "stacked" on top of each other. There's a couple reasons for this. There is little to no land in the inner city. Houses are expensive here because of the great amenities around them (Great schools, nice restaurants, etc.). My dad doesn't seem to have a grip on that, and my mom continue to tell him the things mentioned above. In order for my dad to get a cheap out, we would have to go to the outer areas of the city.

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She also wants a medium-sized house (no bigger than 1900 sq. ft, but preferably 1600-1700) and wants it to be one story. This is because my mom realizes that she is getting older and has no desire to deal with the stairs in a house. She has told me that if they do not move out of the current townhouse by the time she is 60, she is forcing my dad to at least downgrade to a one-story townhouse. My dad also does the bare minimum when it comes to cleaning the house, so in the future, it would be my mom doing most of the housework, so she wants something that she can manage. The backyard request really doesn't bother her, but my dad has never really mowed a lawn. My mother damn sure isn't going to do it. When I leave, who's going to manage that? My dad is way too cheap to get someone else to cut his lawn for him, so that'll be left up for discussion.

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Anyways, today was great. We found the perfect house that both my parents can enjoy. There were some compromises that had to be made; however, everything worked out - so we thought. When my mom brought up how much she loves the house, my dad at first was hesitant? I know that's not the right word, but he was talking to her, but pretending to not catch the hint that she wanted to put in an offer for the house.

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When we got home, I decided to bring the house discussion up again and my dad flat out said, "Wait a day or two! You don't want buyer's remorse." I think that's fair, but this is where the problem arises every single fucking time:

A) We wait a day or two, bring the discussion up again, and my dad begins to pull back. Making up excuses. Finding things wrong with the house. The house is never discussed again and my mom near breaks into tears of frustration

B) Usually followed by A, but the house sales. He tells us "it wasn't meant to be." This annoys the shit out of me because it'll be a month later. No shit the fucking house sold.

Not only that, but houses are being sold fast right now! It's prime time for real estate agents and they know that. Usually, we only have a week to act and it never happens).

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There have been times when my parents liked a house and almost signed the loan. My mom fills out her required paperwork and asks my dad to do the same. My dad pulls back and tells my mom that "he's busy" (You have a two hour lunch break everyday, so how busy can you be?) or "he'll do it later." This never ends up being done and my mom's hopes and dreams are crushed. She rants to me, ends up crying and now I'm mad. All she wants in life is a house and I've never seen my mom gripe over something like this before. I think the main reason why she wants a house is because she wants something that is her own. Without going into much detail, her mother took a lot of stuff away from her, and she wants the control of having a house would give her. I want her to be just as happy as my dad. I don't understand why he won't give this to her. Their finances are great (good paying stable jobs, no debt, credit scores are excellent), so what is stopping my dad? Plus, my parents are getting tired of paying rent that keeps going up each year by $40-70/year. They pay $400/month now, then they originally did

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Closing

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My mom confides in me sometimes and this is something has been bothering me for a while. She's asked me what to do and honestly I do not know what to tell her, so I decided to ask Reddit. Any advice or really anything is helpful at this point. I'm just so lost to why my dad won't give my mom her dream when for some many years she has made a lot of sacrifices for him. Has he also made sacrifices? Oh hell yeah, but I feel like my mom is always the one who gives in. It's time for a change that my dad gives in for once.

My mom is so desperate that she is thinking about putting the loan in her name by herself, instead of cosigning with my dad. I've suggested her not to do that because I do not want her to worsen the tension.

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Help me any way you can Reddit (:

Submitted May 12, 2019 at 05:35AM

tl;dr: My dad is military and retired 8 years ago. Since they are finally stationary, my mom really wants a house. We currently live in a townhouse and my mom frequently brings up buying a house, but it wasn't serious until they found a realtor recently. Today, we found a near perfect house and everyone seemed onboard, but my dad. My mom and dad's dream of a perfect house seem to conflict each other, with my dad being unreasonable. Everytime my mom gets my dad on board to buy a house, my dad pulls back and doesn't seem to move past the step of signing the papers. This frustrates my mom and she is at her breaking point and may make a drastic move that could make the tension worse in their marriage.​​Context/Background​My dad and my mom have two kids: my brother (26M) and I (17M). My dad spent 25+ years in the Air Force and he retired in November of 2011. Throughout his service, we moved a lot. My dad really never saw the benefit of getting a house because we moved every 3 to 4 years. We spent the majority of his time in the military in townhouses, apartments, and military housing; however, now that my dad is retired and there are no plans on moving any time soon, my mom is starting to see a house as a necessity. We currently live in a two-story townhouse​​SituationAt first, my mom was fine with living in the current townhouse. This was because my dad speculated that he wanted to move; however, when I started middle school, he wanted me to finish school in one place and my mom enjoys her current job,, so the moving plans were quickly thrown out. My mom has brought up buying a house frequently, but they have never gotten serious about the search until recently.​​They finally got a realtor that shows them houses and this is good. There have been some ups and downs, but my parents, my brother, and I have settled on a house we all like - sort of. The main obstacle that is stopping my parents from buying a house is my dad. He has a lot of requirements that are somewhat reasonable or conflict with my mother. This includes: a corner lot so that he doesn't have to deal with a lot of neighbors (literally just killed a huge chunk of potential houses); a garage (not too bad); cheap house (I'll get to this later); and, a large backyard.​​My mother is somewhat picky and stubborn, but I don't think she is being unreasonable. She wants a house is a "move-in ready", which I think is fair. My dad has this fixated idea (however I'll give him this - he has loosen up to the idea) of getting a "fixer-upper" house. My mom wouldn't be against the idea if my dad actually knew how to and/or put in the repair the house. In the last 8 years we've lived where we are I've never seen my dad fix anything and he'll be the first person to pick up the phone to call the plumber. My mom wants something she can enjoy. Something that she can come home and relax in. She told me that if they got a fixer upper, she'd feel uncomfortable and would work extra shifts, just so that she wouldn't have to come home and look at the house.​​One thing I should mention about the cheap house requirement is that it is not impossible, but it's pretty damn difficult. My dad wants a house in the inner city where closes can cost as much as $750,000 and the median house where I live in around $280-300,000. My dad is not willing to pay for that because he sees most of these houses as "cookie-cutter houses," and most of the inner-city houses are "stacked" on top of each other. There's a couple reasons for this. There is little to no land in the inner city. Houses are expensive here because of the great amenities around them (Great schools, nice restaurants, etc.). My dad doesn't seem to have a grip on that, and my mom continue to tell him the things mentioned above. In order for my dad to get a cheap out, we would have to go to the outer areas of the city.​​She also wants a medium-sized house (no bigger than 1900 sq. ft, but preferably 1600-1700) and wants it to be one story. This is because my mom realizes that she is getting older and has no desire to deal with the stairs in a house. She has told me that if they do not move out of the current townhouse by the time she is 60, she is forcing my dad to at least downgrade to a one-story townhouse. My dad also does the bare minimum when it comes to cleaning the house, so in the future, it would be my mom doing most of the housework, so she wants something that she can manage. The backyard request really doesn't bother her, but my dad has never really mowed a lawn. My mother damn sure isn't going to do it. When I leave, who's going to manage that? My dad is way too cheap to get someone else to cut his lawn for him, so that'll be left up for discussion.​​Anyways, today was great. We found the perfect house that both my parents can enjoy. There were some compromises that had to be made; however, everything worked out - so we thought. When my mom brought up how much she loves the house, my dad at first was hesitant? I know that's not the right word, but he was talking to her, but pretending to not catch the hint that she wanted to put in an offer for the house.​​When we got home, I decided to bring the house discussion up again and my dad flat out said, "Wait a day or two! You don't want buyer's remorse." I think that's fair, but this is where the problem arises every single fucking time:A) We wait a day or two, bring the discussion up again, and my dad begins to pull back. Making up excuses. Finding things wrong with the house. The house is never discussed again and my mom near breaks into tears of frustrationB) Usually followed by A, but the house sales. He tells us "it wasn't meant to be." This annoys the shit out of me because it'll be a month later. No shit the fucking house sold.Not only that, but houses are being sold fast right now! It's prime time for real estate agents and they know that. Usually, we only have a week to act and it never happens).​​There have been times when my parents liked a house and almost signed the loan. My mom fills out her required paperwork and asks my dad to do the same. My dad pulls back and tells my mom that "he's busy" (You have a two hour lunch break everyday, so how busy can you be?) or "he'll do it later." This never ends up being done and my mom's hopes and dreams are crushed. She rants to me, ends up crying and now I'm mad. All she wants in life is a house and I've never seen my mom gripe over something like this before. I think the main reason why she wants a house is because she wants something that is her own. Without going into much detail, her mother took a lot of stuff away from her, and she wants the control of having a house would give her. I want her to be just as happy as my dad. I don't understand why he won't give this to her. Their finances are great (good paying stable jobs, no debt, credit scores are excellent), so what is stopping my dad? Plus, my parents are getting tired of paying rent that keeps going up each year by $40-70/year. They pay $400/month now, then they originally did​​Closing​My mom confides in me sometimes and this is something has been bothering me for a while. She's asked me what to do and honestly I do not know what to tell her, so I decided to ask Reddit. Any advice or really anything is helpful at this point. I'm just so lost to why my dad won't give my mom her dream when for some many years she has made a lot of sacrifices for him. Has he also made sacrifices? Oh hell yeah, but I feel like my mom is always the one who gives in. It's time for a change that my dad gives in for once.My mom is so desperate that she is thinking about putting the loan in her name by herself, instead of cosigning with my dad. I've suggested her not to do that because I do not want her to worsen the tension.​​Help me any way you can Reddit (: