How do you screen for sexual compatibility?

Longtime lurker but posting on throwaway account because my friends know my username.

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One of my greatest fears in a relationship is a dead bedroom. I have been fortunate to have mostly very amicable and functional relationships in the past, but I have also had a couple partners who were very affectionate during the first few months, only to lose interest in sex/intimacy later. One never gave a clear explanation, whereas my last ex admitted that she'd always had a low sex drive and that she'd feigned interest (like, not just going along when I initiated, but initiated on her own as well) just to win me over.

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My latest breakup in particular has left me gutted. It was months of bliss followed by months of trying to work out what's wrong and feeling unwanted and constantly rejected. I feel like our connection was a complete lie, and after that I don't even know how I'll ever be able to trust someone again.

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What would you do to avoid the mistakes I've made? How do I help a woman feel comfortable enough to be open about her attitudes on sex? How do you discern a woman who is going through the motions from someone who is serious about a future together? I'm confident that there are plenty of wonderful people out there, but I am feeling discouraged about being able to trust my gut.



Submitted April 11, 2019 at 01:53AM

Longtime lurker but posting on throwaway account because my friends know my username.​One of my greatest fears in a relationship is a dead bedroom. I have been fortunate to have mostly very amicable and functional relationships in the past, but I have also had a couple partners who were very affectionate during the first few months, only to lose interest in sex/intimacy later. One never gave a clear explanation, whereas my last ex admitted that she'd always had a low sex drive and that she'd feigned interest (like, not just going along when I initiated, but initiated on her own as well) just to win me over.​My latest breakup in particular has left me gutted. It was months of bliss followed by months of trying to work out what's wrong and feeling unwanted and constantly rejected. I feel like our connection was a complete lie, and after that I don't even know how I'll ever be able to trust someone again.​What would you do to avoid the mistakes I've made? How do I help a woman feel comfortable enough to be open about her attitudes on sex? How do you discern a woman who is going through the motions from someone who is serious about a future together? I'm confident that there are plenty of wonderful people out there, but I am feeling discouraged about being able to trust my gut.
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