"Bringing up" a Boyfriend (dating guys who've been mostly single their entire adult life)

I hope my title isn't sexist or off-putting--I've heard it referred to this way on this sub. What I'm talking about is what it's like to date a guy over 30 with little-to-no prior relationship experience. I'm curious to talk about the pluses and minuses.

EDIT: I just want to clarify that I'm hoping to generate a discussion around this phenomenon of different levels of dating experience after 30. I am using my experiences as examples of that discussion, but I am not asking for opinions or advice about my own relationship! Thanks for respecting that!

For reference I'm (f) have been dating a guy for about 16 months. We are both over 35. Prior to me, he had one LDR for about a year, and a couple* shorter relationships, measurable in weeks. (I've never pressed for exact details because it doesn't matter, but I am fairly sure it's like 2.) I, on the other hand, have been married/divorced twice (no kids), had other relationships, and done the dating "scene." So our experience is pretty different!

The good:

• He doesn't carry a lot of "baggage" from previous relationships. I know I mess up and "punish him for something my ex did" every now and then. He doesn't have that.

• He is optimistic when talking about the future/living together/etc. You know how when you're a kid you don't understand your first pet is gonna die until it does? And then every pet after that is just like "I know this will end" on some level? I'm like that a bit. But he still believes in true love and the positivity can be kind of therapeutic to me, if not infectious!

• He is established in his own life and not looking to glomb onto mine. He has his own interests, friends, and career.

• We have a running joke that he "spent years doing research" to perfect his sexual technique. (Talkin' about porn here lol) But in all seriousness, knowing that he didn't have a lot of real-life trial-and-error experience, he actually made a deliberate effort to research female anatomy and different techniques. He is easily a more gifted lover than some more experienced men I've been with.

Let this sound like just a glowy "My Boyfriend! Squeeeeee!" post, let me talk about the minuses too:

• He can be very selfish even without meaning to be. We had many fights (and I came very close to ending it once) over him suggesting plans, and then blowing me off at the last minute. Since most of his social experience was either family or drinkin' a beer with his buddies, it wasn't even on his radar that it was a Big Deal to make, and later break, plans with me.

• His house is definitely one of a confirmed bachelor. It looks like a teenage boy's bedroom exploded into an entire house. He had to learn stuff like that he needs to make sure he has about twice as much toilet paper as normal, because women use it every time we pee, and we generally pee more than men. No bud, I can't just save my next dump to do at work so you can stop for toilet paper on your way home tomorrow. LOL

• He can be inattentive, again, even without meaning to be. It took him a while to realize that he needed to make time to talk to me, ask about my day, etc. even on days we don't see each other. I took the periods of radio silence as signs of disinterest at first and had to learn to ask for what I want. (We also have differing texting styles, so some of it is that. I have ongoing in-depth texts with my friends all day. His texts are usually like "bring a 6 pack to the poker game" level.)

I'm curious what others' experiences are in similar siutations. I have seen a few women comment they're not interested in "bringing up a boyfriend" and guys asking if women would date a guy over 30 who doesn't have much/any dating history. I hope my post gives some hope to those in the latter group who might be worried that they're un-dateable simply because they haven't dated!

Submitted April 10, 2019 at 10:13PM

I hope my title isn't sexist or off-putting--I've heard it referred to this way on this sub. What I'm talking about is what it's like to date a guy over 30 with little-to-no prior relationship experience. I'm curious to talk about the pluses and minuses.EDIT: I just want to clarify that I'm hoping to generate a discussion around this phenomenon of different levels of dating experience after 30. I am using my experiences as examples of that discussion, but I am not asking for opinions or advice about my own relationship! Thanks for respecting that!For reference I'm (f) have been dating a guy for about 16 months. We are both over 35. Prior to me, he had one LDR for about a year, and a couple* shorter relationships, measurable in weeks. (I've never pressed for exact details because it doesn't matter, but I am fairly sure it's like 2.) I, on the other hand, have been married/divorced twice (no kids), had other relationships, and done the dating "scene." So our experience is pretty different!The good:He doesn't carry a lot of "baggage" from previous relationships. I know I mess up and "punish him for something my ex did" every now and then. He doesn't have that.He is optimistic when talking about the future/living together/etc. You know how when you're a kid you don't understand your first pet is gonna die until it does? And then every pet after that is just like "I know this will end" on some level? I'm like that a bit. But he still believes in true love and the positivity can be kind of therapeutic to me, if not infectious!He is established in his own life and not looking to glomb onto mine. He has his own interests, friends, and career.We have a running joke that he "spent years doing research" to perfect his sexual technique. (Talkin' about porn here lol) But in all seriousness, knowing that he didn't have a lot of real-life trial-and-error experience, he actually made a deliberate effort to research female anatomy and different techniques. He is easily a more gifted lover than some more experienced men I've been with.Let this sound like just a glowy "My Boyfriend! Squeeeeee!" post, let me talk about the minuses too:He can be very selfish even without meaning to be. We had many fights (and I came very close to ending it once) over him suggesting plans, and then blowing me off at the last minute. Since most of his social experience was either family or drinkin' a beer with his buddies, it wasn't even on his radar that it was a Big Deal to make, and later break, plans with me.His house is definitely one of a confirmed bachelor. It looks like a teenage boy's bedroom exploded into an entire house. He had to learn stuff like that he needs to make sure he has about twice as much toilet paper as normal, because women use it every time we pee, and we generally pee more than men. No bud, I can't just save my next dump to do at work so you can stop for toilet paper on your way home tomorrow. LOLHe can be inattentive, again, even without meaning to be. It took him a while to realize that he needed to make time to talk to me, ask about my day, etc. even on days we don't see each other. I took the periods of radio silence as signs of disinterest at first and had to learn to ask for what I want. (We also have differing texting styles, so some of it is that. I have ongoing in-depth texts with my friends all day. His texts are usually like "bring a 6 pack to the poker game" level.)I'm curious what others' experiences are in similar siutations. I have seen a few women comment they're not interested in "bringing up a boyfriend" and guys asking if women would date a guy over 30 who doesn't have much/any dating history. I hope my post gives some hope to those in the latter group who might be worried that they're un-dateable simply because they haven't dated!