Communicate!! Story of lesson learned:

TLDR at the bottom.

Background: At the end of January, I got on OLD for the first time. I hadn't dated for nearly a year. Before that it was a fling with someone I re-met IRL from high school days which would was never going to be a LTR thing. Before that it was mostly random little things over the years. I haven't had an LTR/SO in over five years. And that failed because it turned long distance and communication struggles. It's been so long I had forgotten...

Story: the third guy I met from OLD was super sweet, busy with work, newly moved to my area... We dated casually for just over two months. We saw each other once or twice a week. At first it was dinners, walks, and out for beers. Slow and good. We did travel one weekend together but other than that I only stayed over once at his place. We both kept up with our own lives in and around seeing each other.

Sometimes I could tell he liked me. Other times I questioned.

I told him he didn't need to rush into a relationship because he just moved here. But he also said he liked me. At some point I did ask if he could see this getting to a relationship. He answered yes.

We would sometimes have really good conversations when together. Other times he would just turn on tv because he had a long day at his new job? Maybe. Idk.

It got to the point he only asked me to his place. When I asked him to things it was out and about. What happened to the dinners, walks, and beers? Perhaps it was because he was frugal (which I appreciate BUT.) I still want the occasional thing out. Even if it was just for a beer or a walk. Didn't need to be expensive. Anyways I didn't communicate this want and was just waiting to see what happened. After all it's only been two months...

Second, I'm a touch loving person and he liked me touching him but I didn't get it returned very much. So I couldn't ever really tell if he was into me? Like no hugs or hello kisses or any sweet arm touches or anything from him. Also, sex was good at first but then the foreplay wasn't there. I mean I foreplayed him a little but I didn't feel it was returned. I wasn't revved up before the deed. You know? And with that gone... there were a few times that he came first. Which happens occasionally and I'm rational about that. NBD. But if foreplay was there I feel like it has a higher chance of happening. Again, I did not communicate this. Oops.

So the day I thought was the beginning of the end. I said I'd like to see him on Sunday. He was like "yeah, come over at 2" and I came over. When I got there we barely began talking before he let me know he needed to leave around 4:45 for dinner plans with his sister and a church friend. I was a little startled and thrown because I didn't know that he had plans after seeing me. If I had known I would have just been like "another day then" but all I could say was "oh okay." I didn't need or want an invite but I planned to spend time with him, you know? We then cuddled and watched a movie. The movie ends and I wake up from an impromptu nap. He without easing into it: "want to move to the bedroom?" I'm like "give me a few minutes." Then we proceeded to have not great sex. No foreplay and he finished and I did not. He apologized for finishing before me (like he's apologized in the past) and I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I could not say "oh it's okay" because it's not okay when there is more he and I could be doing. I was frustrated and confused about the whole day.

I then spent most of the week overthinking it and decided that it's only two months in. I shouldn't already be doubting and confused about the low effort in sex. Sex shouldn't be this lacking this soon. So with that and doubting that he likes me. The switch of no longer going out ever to only staying in... I felt well reasoned in ending things. I still do.

But as soon as I talked with him in person on Thursday and told him I think we needed to be friends.... I immediately wished I had communicated my wants/needs to see how he responded. He was upset I "gave up so easy" and also proceeded to explain how much he liked me. And I'm like "I like you too. I regret not communicating. My bad."

He said he needed to think about it but it was suggested we keep trying. He told me to text him when I got home. I did. He said he needed to sleep on it and he would get back with me. He never got back with me. Which is plain and clear and reasonable. By then it was too late, too much was said and he didn't want to "climb the mountain I would have in my head." And I was like I would have to climb a mountain in your head for being poor at communication and "giving up too easily."

I'm still left wishing I had communicated things differently prior to ending things. Maybe things could have been good with him? Or maybe he was just putting in effort at the beginning and then didn't put in a lot of effort and that's who he was with me? In that case I would have broken up with him anyways.

​

TLDR: I didn't think to communicate my wants/needs, made a decision to end things even though I liked the guy but things were missing. I had clear reasons to end things. I was reminded though that one needed to communicate in a relationship.

Advice: if you're talking with a friend over concerns in a relationship stop talking to them. Go talk to the actual person the concerns regard. But make it a constructive conversation. Don't come in with a made up mind.

Edit: a letter

Submitted April 10, 2019 at 04:55PM

TLDR at the bottom.Background: At the end of January, I got on OLD for the first time. I hadn't dated for nearly a year. Before that it was a fling with someone I re-met IRL from high school days which would was never going to be a LTR thing. Before that it was mostly random little things over the years. I haven't had an LTR/SO in over five years. And that failed because it turned long distance and communication struggles. It's been so long I had forgotten...Story: the third guy I met from OLD was super sweet, busy with work, newly moved to my area... We dated casually for just over two months. We saw each other once or twice a week. At first it was dinners, walks, and out for beers. Slow and good. We did travel one weekend together but other than that I only stayed over once at his place. We both kept up with our own lives in and around seeing each other.Sometimes I could tell he liked me. Other times I questioned.I told him he didn't need to rush into a relationship because he just moved here. But he also said he liked me. At some point I did ask if he could see this getting to a relationship. He answered yes.We would sometimes have really good conversations when together. Other times he would just turn on tv because he had a long day at his new job? Maybe. Idk.It got to the point he only asked me to his place. When I asked him to things it was out and about. What happened to the dinners, walks, and beers? Perhaps it was because he was frugal (which I appreciate BUT.) I still want the occasional thing out. Even if it was just for a beer or a walk. Didn't need to be expensive. Anyways I didn't communicate this want and was just waiting to see what happened. After all it's only been two months...Second, I'm a touch loving person and he liked me touching him but I didn't get it returned very much. So I couldn't ever really tell if he was into me? Like no hugs or hello kisses or any sweet arm touches or anything from him. Also, sex was good at first but then the foreplay wasn't there. I mean I foreplayed him a little but I didn't feel it was returned. I wasn't revved up before the deed. You know? And with that gone... there were a few times that he came first. Which happens occasionally and I'm rational about that. NBD. But if foreplay was there I feel like it has a higher chance of happening. Again, I did not communicate this. Oops.So the day I thought was the beginning of the end. I said I'd like to see him on Sunday. He was like "yeah, come over at 2" and I came over. When I got there we barely began talking before he let me know he needed to leave around 4:45 for dinner plans with his sister and a church friend. I was a little startled and thrown because I didn't know that he had plans after seeing me. If I had known I would have just been like "another day then" but all I could say was "oh okay." I didn't need or want an invite but I planned to spend time with him, you know? We then cuddled and watched a movie. The movie ends and I wake up from an impromptu nap. He without easing into it: "want to move to the bedroom?" I'm like "give me a few minutes." Then we proceeded to have not great sex. No foreplay and he finished and I did not. He apologized for finishing before me (like he's apologized in the past) and I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I could not say "oh it's okay" because it's not okay when there is more he and I could be doing. I was frustrated and confused about the whole day.I then spent most of the week overthinking it and decided that it's only two months in. I shouldn't already be doubting and confused about the low effort in sex. Sex shouldn't be this lacking this soon. So with that and doubting that he likes me. The switch of no longer going out ever to only staying in... I felt well reasoned in ending things. I still do.But as soon as I talked with him in person on Thursday and told him I think we needed to be friends.... I immediately wished I had communicated my wants/needs to see how he responded. He was upset I "gave up so easy" and also proceeded to explain how much he liked me. And I'm like "I like you too. I regret not communicating. My bad."He said he needed to think about it but it was suggested we keep trying. He told me to text him when I got home. I did. He said he needed to sleep on it and he would get back with me. He never got back with me. Which is plain and clear and reasonable. By then it was too late, too much was said and he didn't want to "climb the mountain I would have in my head." And I was like I would have to climb a mountain in your head for being poor at communication and "giving up too easily."I'm still left wishing I had communicated things differently prior to ending things. Maybe things could have been good with him? Or maybe he was just putting in effort at the beginning and then didn't put in a lot of effort and that's who he was with me? In that case I would have broken up with him anyways.​TLDR: I didn't think to communicate my wants/needs, made a decision to end things even though I liked the guy but things were missing. I had clear reasons to end things. I was reminded though that one needed to communicate in a relationship.Advice: if you're talking with a friend over concerns in a relationship stop talking to them. Go talk to the actual person the concerns regard. But make it a constructive conversation. Don't come in with a made up mind.Edit: a letter