Should I be truthful or just break it off now?

Met a guy through OLD ~2 weeks ago. I understand the events that have happened since are kinda fast, so please bear with me.

I should also mention that I was in a LTR that ended end of last year, and it’s left me pretty damaged. I’m trying hard not to let it affect me, but it continues to manifest itself, especially when it comes to dating. 

Anyway, so i was meant to be taking a sabbatical from dating after my solo trip, but got bored one day and still had the app, so i swiped. Started talking to this guy on a thursday/friday, and met him Sunday evening. It was quite random actually - i told him i had work all weekend and was suffering from jet lag, and he just put it out there to “get in touch” if i was bored. So after spending most of Sat & Sun working, I WAS bored and messaged him Sunday afternoon asking if he’d like to hang out in the evening if he was free. It wasn’t even much a romantic thing for me, I just wanted some company after being cooped up all weekend. (also, I had met a number of people during my solo trip and formed friendships, so I was riding on that “confidence high”)

We met up, and spent about four hours together and he was really sweet. I wasn’t sure about sparks on my end, but before the end of the night, he told me he liked me, was looking for something serious (not in a creepy way, but we were discussing why we were on the apps) and asked me out for next weekend. I agreed. We met up on Friday night for a movie, and after the movie, we were randomly talking and somehow the topic of where this was heading to came up.

At this point i was pretty honest, i told him i could feel a mental block (and apparently he could too), and i didn’t know how long it would take me to get over it, and told him if he wanted to bail at this point it would be wise. I wanted to be fair to him, because i seriously felt so messed up. Trust issues, intimacy issues, self-confidence issues, i’ve got them all. 

He said if i decided i didn’t want to see him again he would be totally fine, and it was my decision. He couldn’t promise we would work out, but he was willing to try because he felt a connection. 

I then told him how i was like when i start dating somebody - i’m just someone who likes to spend a lot of time with the person i’m dating. For example, i’d be happy spending friday saturday sunday together. I acknowledged that that could come off clingy or demanding, but I just want to spend time to get to know the person better, and if he was not okay with that since some people like their space, I totally understood, but to let me know in advance. Surprisingly, he said he was the same, he liked to spend lots of time with his partner. Again, he reiterated that he was looking for a proper r/s, and was ready to settle down with the right person - he’s at that point in his life (he’s in his mid 30s).

So by the end of the night, we kinda agreed we would keep it exclusive and see where this headed, but we never made it official. 

We both had work the next day, but met up in the evening, had dinner, and went back to his place to chill because we were both tired and did not want to stay out. I honestly hadn’t planned on anything happening, but we ended up sleeping together, and it was great and he was still really sweet. I stayed over and we had breakfast together the next day before saying goodbye. He asked me out again for wednesday (he works late on mondays and tuesdays, and he had an interview on thursday, and i offered to meet him another day (e.g. thursday/friday) so he could prep on wed, but he said it was fine and i thought it was really sweet that he wanted to see me when he could. So i began thinking it could go somewhere, and I decided I was going to try and not let my past taint this potential match, and just go all in. He’s also mentioned if there’s anything i liked/didn’t like, to let him know.

However, we met up today, and things felt off. He was still sweet, but i’m starting to think maybe i should just call it off - it’s the little things. 

For example, one of my main love languages is touch. And I told him i liked holding hands, and if that’s something he liked too. And he’d be like “okay sure me too” but then he doesn’t hold my hand, or he’ll do it for a few mins after I grab his and let go (due to crowding etc), and he wouldn’t resume. I’ve had to initiate a few times and it really bugs me, because I really, really like holding hands with the person I’m dating, and him not taking the initiative just makes me feel like he doesn’t want to since I’ve told him that’s what I like. He would sometimes put his arms around me for a few seconds or something when we’re on the escalator or something, but that’s nothing special.

Also, I had assumed we would be spending the weekend together, and he’s usually the one making plans for us, but as we were heading back, he still hadn’t mentioned anything, so I asked if we were spending the weekend together. He then said his friends were back in town and he’d be having sunday brunch with them (which I’m totally fine with btw), but we could spend saturday together. And then I said “what about friday night?” and he said “you don’t have plans? let me see how the interview goes tomorrow and see how things go and i’ll let you know about friday tomorrow” and my mind’s wondering “what the heck do you need to do on a friday when the interview is on a thursday”. I seriously don’t understand what’s going on with that.

To be fair, I don’t think he’s treating me any differently before/after sex, he’s still nice and all, but it just doesn’t feel like we’re on the same page as much as I thought we were. He also mentioned he was very tired today (he was yawning a lot as well), as shit kept cropping up at work that he had to deal with the past few days, so I don’t know if that could be a factor.

I know some of what I’ve listed here might come off “demanding”, but that’s not my intention, that’s just my preferences. Then again, am I demanding too much? I just feel like “I’ve finally decided to give it a proper try and be myself” and it seems like we’re different people.

I kinda wanna ask him if he thinks we’re moving too fast, or if he actually is uncomfortable with me wanting to see him so often etc. Because I want to know, and back off if that’s the case, because I don’t want to get hurt again, and the longer this drags on, the deeper i’ll fall, i know it. But I also now the timeline’s really fast, so I don’t know if I’m actually crazy and should reel in the crazy and just needed a third-party’s opinion.  

Is it okay to be honest with him about what I’m feeling (e.g., him seemingly not wanting to meet as often as I do, and not wanting to hold hands etc), or is that too soon and major red flag behaviour? Or maybe I am way too messed up and should just let this die, “break” if off before it breaks me?

It’s just frustrating that I’m trying to give this a chance and go all in, but then it seems like maybe he’s not on the same page. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m making the effort, but maybe I should actually tell him I’ve decided to give it a proper, serious try and this is how I am, and ask whether he’s on the same page and what he thinks? While previously I did mention I would try, it was more about trying to overcome my mental blocks but that I needed time.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading! Any advice is appreciated.

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edit - I just wanted to add that he comes across to me as a self-assured, focused and confidence person who knows what he wants, and i'm starting to think he doesn't deserve to be with someone as messed up as me because i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. He deserves someone confident who doesn't overanalyze every move. I met a close friend yesterday and she told me I light up when I talk about him, and I did, until today when everything felt off and I've been feeling like crap and that this isn't worth it.

Submitted May 15, 2019 at 04:14PM

Met a guy through OLD ~2 weeks ago. I understand the events that have happened since are kinda fast, so please bear with me.I should also mention that I was in a LTR that ended end of last year, and it’s left me pretty damaged. I’m trying hard not to let it affect me, but it continues to manifest itself, especially when it comes to dating. Anyway, so i was meant to be taking a sabbatical from dating after my solo trip, but got bored one day and still had the app, so i swiped. Started talking to this guy on a thursday/friday, and met him Sunday evening. It was quite random actually - i told him i had work all weekend and was suffering from jet lag, and he just put it out there to “get in touch” if i was bored. So after spending most of Sat & Sun working, I WAS bored and messaged him Sunday afternoon asking if he’d like to hang out in the evening if he was free. It wasn’t even much a romantic thing for me, I just wanted some company after being cooped up all weekend. (also, I had met a number of people during my solo trip and formed friendships, so I was riding on that “confidence high”)We met up, and spent about four hours together and he was really sweet. I wasn’t sure about sparks on my end, but before the end of the night, he told me he liked me, was looking for something serious (not in a creepy way, but we were discussing why we were on the apps) and asked me out for next weekend. I agreed. We met up on Friday night for a movie, and after the movie, we were randomly talking and somehow the topic of where this was heading to came up.At this point i was pretty honest, i told him i could feel a mental block (and apparently he could too), and i didn’t know how long it would take me to get over it, and told him if he wanted to bail at this point it would be wise. I wanted to be fair to him, because i seriously felt so messed up. Trust issues, intimacy issues, self-confidence issues, i’ve got them all. He said if i decided i didn’t want to see him again he would be totally fine, and it was my decision. He couldn’t promise we would work out, but he was willing to try because he felt a connection. I then told him how i was like when i start dating somebody - i’m just someone who likes to spend a lot of time with the person i’m dating. For example, i’d be happy spending friday saturday sunday together. I acknowledged that that could come off clingy or demanding, but I just want to spend time to get to know the person better, and if he was not okay with that since some people like their space, I totally understood, but to let me know in advance. Surprisingly, he said he was the same, he liked to spend lots of time with his partner. Again, he reiterated that he was looking for a proper r/s, and was ready to settle down with the right person - he’s at that point in his life (he’s in his mid 30s).So by the end of the night, we kinda agreed we would keep it exclusive and see where this headed, but we never made it official. We both had work the next day, but met up in the evening, had dinner, and went back to his place to chill because we were both tired and did not want to stay out. I honestly hadn’t planned on anything happening, but we ended up sleeping together, and it was great and he was still really sweet. I stayed over and we had breakfast together the next day before saying goodbye. He asked me out again for wednesday (he works late on mondays and tuesdays, and he had an interview on thursday, and i offered to meet him another day (e.g. thursday/friday) so he could prep on wed, but he said it was fine and i thought it was really sweet that he wanted to see me when he could. So i began thinking it could go somewhere, and I decided I was going to try and not let my past taint this potential match, and just go all in. He’s also mentioned if there’s anything i liked/didn’t like, to let him know.However, we met up today, and things felt off. He was still sweet, but i’m starting to think maybe i should just call it off - it’s the little things. For example, one of my main love languages is touch. And I told him i liked holding hands, and if that’s something he liked too. And he’d be like “okay sure me too” but then he doesn’t hold my hand, or he’ll do it for a few mins after I grab his and let go (due to crowding etc), and he wouldn’t resume. I’ve had to initiate a few times and it really bugs me, because I really, really like holding hands with the person I’m dating, and him not taking the initiative just makes me feel like he doesn’t want to since I’ve told him that’s what I like. He would sometimes put his arms around me for a few seconds or something when we’re on the escalator or something, but that’s nothing special.Also, I had assumed we would be spending the weekend together, and he’s usually the one making plans for us, but as we were heading back, he still hadn’t mentioned anything, so I asked if we were spending the weekend together. He then said his friends were back in town and he’d be having sunday brunch with them (which I’m totally fine with btw), but we could spend saturday together. And then I said “what about friday night?” and he said “you don’t have plans? let me see how the interview goes tomorrow and see how things go and i’ll let you know about friday tomorrow” and my mind’s wondering “what the heck do you need to do on a friday when the interview is on a thursday”. I seriously don’t understand what’s going on with that.To be fair, I don’t think he’s treating me any differently before/after sex, he’s still nice and all, but it just doesn’t feel like we’re on the same page as much as I thought we were. He also mentioned he was very tired today (he was yawning a lot as well), as shit kept cropping up at work that he had to deal with the past few days, so I don’t know if that could be a factor.I know some of what I’ve listed here might come off “demanding”, but that’s not my intention, that’s just my preferences. Then again, am I demanding too much? I just feel like “I’ve finally decided to give it a proper try and be myself” and it seems like we’re different people.I kinda wanna ask him if he thinks we’re moving too fast, or if he actually is uncomfortable with me wanting to see him so often etc. Because I want to know, and back off if that’s the case, because I don’t want to get hurt again, and the longer this drags on, the deeper i’ll fall, i know it. But I also now the timeline’s really fast, so I don’t know if I’m actually crazy and should reel in the crazy and just needed a third-party’s opinion.  Is it okay to be honest with him about what I’m feeling (e.g., him seemingly not wanting to meet as often as I do, and not wanting to hold hands etc), or is that too soon and major red flag behaviour? Or maybe I am way too messed up and should just let this die, “break” if off before it breaks me?It’s just frustrating that I’m trying to give this a chance and go all in, but then it seems like maybe he’s not on the same page. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m making the effort, but maybe I should actually tell him I’ve decided to give it a proper, serious try and this is how I am, and ask whether he’s on the same page and what he thinks? While previously I did mention I would try, it was more about trying to overcome my mental blocks but that I needed time.If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading! Any advice is appreciated.​edit - I just wanted to add that he comes across to me as a self-assured, focused and confidence person who knows what he wants, and i'm starting to think he doesn't deserve to be with someone as messed up as me because i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. He deserves someone confident who doesn't overanalyze every move. I met a close friend yesterday and she told me I light up when I talk about him, and I did, until today when everything felt off and I've been feeling like crap and that this isn't worth it.