Not asexual but rarely attracted to anyone

Sorry this is going to be long! I’m a cis/hetero/35F dating for the first time in my life after being in two back to back LTRs. The problem is that I have a normal to high sex drive but I’m rarely attracted to anyone. This included my LTRs who I had a great intellectual connection w but no physical attraction and a not so great sex life. Meanwhile I have had 3 intense crushes over the course of my life (seems I get one per decade) which all started as lust at first sight situations and lasted 3-4 painful/frustrating years as the feelings were not mutual (two actively disliked me and one friend-zoned me). I’ve been advised that if I give people more time attraction may develop but so far the thought of even kissing a guy I wasn’t immediately attracted to has remained just as repulsive to me on a second date as on the first. It’s hard to want to continue dating knowing I will most likely have to reject the guy at some point and that’s obviously something I dread doing. It also feels more cruel to reject someone after a second or third date so I’m afraid to keep pursuing the “give it time” strategy. This is all further complicated by the fact that I’m trying to avoid another LTR rn and am looking for more of an FWB situation so having sexual chemistry is important to me. That being said while I’ve been hit on and/or had online conversations with more guys than I can count I’ve only been on actual dates with 9 people so far. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t met enough people? Not sure how many dates most people go on or how many people they talk to before meeting somebody they feel chemistry with? Or how many dates people usually go on with the same person before feeling attraction? Maybe all this is totally normal and I’m just inexperienced? Any thoughts/advice appreciated!



Submitted May 15, 2019 at 10:09PM

Sorry this is going to be long! I’m a cis/hetero/35F dating for the first time in my life after being in two back to back LTRs. The problem is that I have a normal to high sex drive but I’m rarely attracted to anyone. This included my LTRs who I had a great intellectual connection w but no physical attraction and a not so great sex life. Meanwhile I have had 3 intense crushes over the course of my life (seems I get one per decade) which all started as lust at first sight situations and lasted 3-4 painful/frustrating years as the feelings were not mutual (two actively disliked me and one friend-zoned me). I’ve been advised that if I give people more time attraction may develop but so far the thought of even kissing a guy I wasn’t immediately attracted to has remained just as repulsive to me on a second date as on the first. It’s hard to want to continue dating knowing I will most likely have to reject the guy at some point and that’s obviously something I dread doing. It also feels more cruel to reject someone after a second or third date so I’m afraid to keep pursuing the “give it time” strategy. This is all further complicated by the fact that I’m trying to avoid another LTR rn and am looking for more of an FWB situation so having sexual chemistry is important to me. That being said while I’ve been hit on and/or had online conversations with more guys than I can count I’ve only been on actual dates with 9 people so far. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t met enough people? Not sure how many dates most people go on or how many people they talk to before meeting somebody they feel chemistry with? Or how many dates people usually go on with the same person before feeling attraction? Maybe all this is totally normal and I’m just inexperienced? Any thoughts/advice appreciated!
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