I love you, so very much that I had to let you go and I’m so sorry. You’re my best friend and I know this is the best thing for you. It hurts, I know... but someday you’ll find a man that loves you the way you deserve.

We met two year ago. It was love at first sight. By our third date we told each other that we didn’t know what was happening but that it just felt so right. We fell into a relationship, so quickly and deeply. I had just come out of the worst year and a half of my life where I was cheated on and lied to and I was learning to respect myself again.

You were kind, you loved me. You cuddled me as I fell asleep and kissed me gently. You made me feel comfortable in my skin which I had never felt. I was taught that I wasn’t worth much, that I would never be able to be loved the way I loved others. That wasn’t true. You loved me. Fuck you loved me and you still do. Smoking cigarettes after sex at your window, the cold breeze. I felt comfortable walking around naked with you. It sounds stupid but I never did with anyone else.

Time flies, a year turns into two. You tell me you love me so much, we argue sometimes but we cry and make up. You have NEVER hurt me once, you only brought me joy and happiness. You were so understanding, sometimes we didn’t see each other for a week because I had too much work and you were fine with that. You accepted that I had a weird thing about friends and family and that it would take a long time for you to become part of that sphere. I’ve been hurt, I’m scared to be honest a lot of the time. My therapist says I’ve got issues with people because I’ve always just been me, defending myself.

This bothered you but you never said anything. I wanted to give it all to you, I kept telling you that I was going to change because I DO love you and you deserve it all. You gave me everything. Fuck I miss your kisses in bed and the way you’d snuggle up to me. I miss your dinners, I miss the shows we’d watch. I miss our walks and I miss our joking around. I miss the shower sex and to be honest I really miss my best friend.

But my love, I promised and promised and I couldn’t give it to you. I ended up telling you I just couldn’t change. I tried to change for you but I found it too hard to let you become part of my family, of my various friend groups that I ensure to keep apart because I’m fucked up in the head and I try and control everything in my life. I couldn’t make you as happy as I had wanted so we decided to say goodbye.

You know what the worst part is? You fucking understand and that you just want me to get better. You’re so stupid, you’re even taking my side on this one... you’re just so stupidly fucking perfect and I know I need to let you go because I’ll hurt you. I’ll hurt you like I’ve hurt everyone else in the past. I need to figure myself out and I don’t want you to be part of that process, because as much as you think you want to be by my side through this, you’ll hurt.

You’re young. I was your first. Go out and kiss some boys, be silly and don’t worry about me and my work. Don’t worry about my tears. I want you to live your best life, I want you to just be ok. Be that artist my love, smile more and love your perfect body. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.

I wish I could have been ‘him’, but I failed you. I know we thought this was forever and I’m sorry. Ill try not to call so as to make things easier for you.

I love you and you’ll always have a place in my heart.

• Your love.

Submitted May 14, 2019 at 11:46PM

We met two year ago. It was love at first sight. By our third date we told each other that we didn’t know what was happening but that it just felt so right. We fell into a relationship, so quickly and deeply. I had just come out of the worst year and a half of my life where I was cheated on and lied to and I was learning to respect myself again.You were kind, you loved me. You cuddled me as I fell asleep and kissed me gently. You made me feel comfortable in my skin which I had never felt. I was taught that I wasn’t worth much, that I would never be able to be loved the way I loved others. That wasn’t true. You loved me. Fuck you loved me and you still do. Smoking cigarettes after sex at your window, the cold breeze. I felt comfortable walking around naked with you. It sounds stupid but I never did with anyone else.Time flies, a year turns into two. You tell me you love me so much, we argue sometimes but we cry and make up. You have NEVER hurt me once, you only brought me joy and happiness. You were so understanding, sometimes we didn’t see each other for a week because I had too much work and you were fine with that. You accepted that I had a weird thing about friends and family and that it would take a long time for you to become part of that sphere. I’ve been hurt, I’m scared to be honest a lot of the time. My therapist says I’ve got issues with people because I’ve always just been me, defending myself.This bothered you but you never said anything. I wanted to give it all to you, I kept telling you that I was going to change because I DO love you and you deserve it all. You gave me everything. Fuck I miss your kisses in bed and the way you’d snuggle up to me. I miss your dinners, I miss the shows we’d watch. I miss our walks and I miss our joking around. I miss the shower sex and to be honest I really miss my best friend.But my love, I promised and promised and I couldn’t give it to you. I ended up telling you I just couldn’t change. I tried to change for you but I found it too hard to let you become part of my family, of my various friend groups that I ensure to keep apart because I’m fucked up in the head and I try and control everything in my life. I couldn’t make you as happy as I had wanted so we decided to say goodbye.You know what the worst part is? You fucking understand and that you just want me to get better. You’re so stupid, you’re even taking my side on this one... you’re just so stupidly fucking perfect and I know I need to let you go because I’ll hurt you. I’ll hurt you like I’ve hurt everyone else in the past. I need to figure myself out and I don’t want you to be part of that process, because as much as you think you want to be by my side through this, you’ll hurt.You’re young. I was your first. Go out and kiss some boys, be silly and don’t worry about me and my work. Don’t worry about my tears. I want you to live your best life, I want you to just be ok. Be that artist my love, smile more and love your perfect body. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.I wish I could have been ‘him’, but I failed you. I know we thought this was forever and I’m sorry. Ill try not to call so as to make things easier for you.I love you and you’ll always have a place in my heart.Your love.