I (28F) am not interested in a relationship, but asked (25M) guy to be sexually exclusive after 3 months. He seemed to think that I wanted a committed relationship, freaked out, and has not contacted me since. I like him, but genuinely just want something casual right now. Is this salvageable?

I have been talking to a guy I met IRL for almost three months. We texted almost every day with him always initiating, asking lots of questions, and making plans.

I wasn’t sure if I was interested in him after getting out of a bad relationship last year and I was concerned about dating someone younger due to how men and women mature differently. The first time he kissed me, I told him how my last relationship ended (we were together three years, I later found out he had cheated on me a lot and I'm still not totally over it) and that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He said he wasn’t either since he got out of a long relationship around the same time as well (about 9 months before we met in February.)

We had sex for the first time a little over a month ago and after six dates, which would have been around 2 months after we first started talking. Since then we’ve seen each other 2-3x per week, I’ve met some of his friends, and I know he talks about me to his family. We were talking pretty much everyday except sometimes we wouldn’t text the day after just seeing each other or there would be 2-3 day break if one of us were out of town.

Even though I like him and enjoy his company a lot, I don’t see a future here for a variety of reasons. He is not someone I would want to introduce as my boyfriend and I wanted to take a break from dating when I met him. However, I did recently realize I would be upset if he were sleeping with other people and that I’m not ready to deal with that after how my last relationship ended...not that I think he owes me a commitment, but I didn’t want to assume anything and be blindsided later. I’ve been in therapy since my last relationship and my therapist urged me to bring this up sooner rather than later.

I brought it up to him last week and told him that I wasn’t really interested in seeing anyone else, but I didn’t want to continue having sex if he was. He seemed to take this as me wanting to be in a relationship with him and told me he still thinks about his ex a lot and won’t feel ready for a relationship in a long time.

This is exactly how I feel and I just want something causal with him. I tried to explain that there was a difference between exclusive and committed, but he couldn’t seem to understand and still thought I wanted a relationship. He seemed freaked out and I was surprised by his reaction because I stupidly assumed he liked me more than I liked him. I told him I just wanted to make sure were on the same page since I was confused that he told me he told his parents about me and just wanted to clear the air since we had been talking for a while now.

I wasn’t able to explain to him how that would be different than a relationship since I had a lot of word vomit after his reaction, but I told him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend and that I was fine with how things were. He told me during our conversation that I was the only person he was seeing and that he wouldn’t be dating at all had we not met by chance.

Things were fine when he left and I was apologetic, telling him I hoped I hadn’t made things weird. He still hugged and kissed me goodbye, but didn’t text me the next day. I was really upset and thought about texting him a long explanation, but decided to leave it. I reached out to him on Friday only to let him know about some existing plans we had with another friend. He was very friendly and still agreed to come, but things still felt off. We talked a good bit and I tried to act normal, but he only stayed out like two hours. The group stopped for cupcakes and he offered to buy me one and kissed me goodnight, which made me feel like I hadn’t totally pushed him away, but it’s been almost 4 days now and I still haven’t heard from him otherwise.

I want to give him his space. I hate that I accidentally freaked him out by how I approached the conversation and I want to explain myself again without all the word vomit to clearly say that I like him and like hanging out with him, but I’m also pretty emotionally unavailable and am not looking for a commitment from him. I want to know if he ends up sleeping with someone else so I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to continue having sex with him after going through an STD scare when my ex cheated, but I was having fun the way things were and I just want things to stay how they were.

I’m supposed to see him tomorrow in a group setting and was going to try to talk to him afterwards. If he’s not there, I want to text him Thursday to clear the air. Are either of these a good idea or should I continue to give him space? Or did I already totally blow it? I don’t want to make things worse, but I miss his company and was excited for our summer plans. I think he's a great person who seems somewhat depressed and at the very least, I would still like to be his friend.

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TL;DR: I began talking to a guy three months ago. He actively pursued me and things were very consistent with daily texting and regular plans. I am not emotionally available enough for a relationship after a long-term relationship ended and lots of cheating was revealed last year. He knows this and also recently got out of a long relationship. We had sex in April after two months of talking/dating, and last week I brought up exclusivity. He seemed to think I wanted a committed relationship, freaked out, which then caused me to freak out and not feel able to explain myself.

I saw him once afterwards since we already had plans with another friend, but he has not texted me otherwise and it's been four days. I want to give him space and I hope he will contact me, but I will probably see him tomorrow. When I see him, I want to clearly explain to him that I wish I had explained things better, that I was having fun how things were and don’t want a commitment, but because of how my last relationship ended I just want to know if he does have start having sex with someone else so that I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to continue sleeping with him.

If I don’t see him tomorrow, I’m thinking of reaching out to him Thursday. Are either of these a bad idea? Should I keep giving him space? Did I totally blow this by moving too fast?

Submitted May 14, 2019 at 11:32PM

I have been talking to a guy I met IRL for almost three months. We texted almost every day with him always initiating, asking lots of questions, and making plans.I wasn’t sure if I was interested in him after getting out of a bad relationship last year and I was concerned about dating someone younger due to how men and women mature differently. The first time he kissed me, I told him how my last relationship ended (we were together three years, I later found out he had cheated on me a lot and I'm still not totally over it) and that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He said he wasn’t either since he got out of a long relationship around the same time as well (about 9 months before we met in February.)We had sex for the first time a little over a month ago and after six dates, which would have been around 2 months after we first started talking. Since then we’ve seen each other 2-3x per week, I’ve met some of his friends, and I know he talks about me to his family. We were talking pretty much everyday except sometimes we wouldn’t text the day after just seeing each other or there would be 2-3 day break if one of us were out of town.Even though I like him and enjoy his company a lot, I don’t see a future here for a variety of reasons. He is not someone I would want to introduce as my boyfriend and I wanted to take a break from dating when I met him. However, I did recently realize I would be upset if he were sleeping with other people and that I’m not ready to deal with that after how my last relationship ended...not that I think he owes me a commitment, but I didn’t want to assume anything and be blindsided later. I’ve been in therapy since my last relationship and my therapist urged me to bring this up sooner rather than later.I brought it up to him last week and told him that I wasn’t really interested in seeing anyone else, but I didn’t want to continue having sex if he was. He seemed to take this as me wanting to be in a relationship with him and told me he still thinks about his ex a lot and won’t feel ready for a relationship in a long time.This is exactly how I feel and I just want something causal with him. I tried to explain that there was a difference between exclusive and committed, but he couldn’t seem to understand and still thought I wanted a relationship. He seemed freaked out and I was surprised by his reaction because I stupidly assumed he liked me more than I liked him. I told him I just wanted to make sure were on the same page since I was confused that he told me he told his parents about me and just wanted to clear the air since we had been talking for a while now.I wasn’t able to explain to him how that would be different than a relationship since I had a lot of word vomit after his reaction, but I told him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend and that I was fine with how things were. He told me during our conversation that I was the only person he was seeing and that he wouldn’t be dating at all had we not met by chance.Things were fine when he left and I was apologetic, telling him I hoped I hadn’t made things weird. He still hugged and kissed me goodbye, but didn’t text me the next day. I was really upset and thought about texting him a long explanation, but decided to leave it. I reached out to him on Friday only to let him know about some existing plans we had with another friend. He was very friendly and still agreed to come, but things still felt off. We talked a good bit and I tried to act normal, but he only stayed out like two hours. The group stopped for cupcakes and he offered to buy me one and kissed me goodnight, which made me feel like I hadn’t totally pushed him away, but it’s been almost 4 days now and I still haven’t heard from him otherwise.I want to give him his space. I hate that I accidentally freaked him out by how I approached the conversation and I want to explain myself again without all the word vomit to clearly say that I like him and like hanging out with him, but I’m also pretty emotionally unavailable and am not looking for a commitment from him. I want to know if he ends up sleeping with someone else so I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to continue having sex with him after going through an STD scare when my ex cheated, but I was having fun the way things were and I just want things to stay how they were.I’m supposed to see him tomorrow in a group setting and was going to try to talk to him afterwards. If he’s not there, I want to text him Thursday to clear the air. Are either of these a good idea or should I continue to give him space? Or did I already totally blow it? I don’t want to make things worse, but I miss his company and was excited for our summer plans. I think he's a great person who seems somewhat depressed and at the very least, I would still like to be his friend.​TL;DR: I began talking to a guy three months ago. He actively pursued me and things were very consistent with daily texting and regular plans. I am not emotionally available enough for a relationship after a long-term relationship ended and lots of cheating was revealed last year. He knows this and also recently got out of a long relationship. We had sex in April after two months of talking/dating, and last week I brought up exclusivity. He seemed to think I wanted a committed relationship, freaked out, which then caused me to freak out and not feel able to explain myself.I saw him once afterwards since we already had plans with another friend, but he has not texted me otherwise and it's been four days. I want to give him space and I hope he will contact me, but I will probably see him tomorrow. When I see him, I want to clearly explain to him that I wish I had explained things better, that I was having fun how things were and don’t want a commitment, but because of how my last relationship ended I just want to know if he does have start having sex with someone else so that I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to continue sleeping with him.If I don’t see him tomorrow, I’m thinking of reaching out to him Thursday. Are either of these a bad idea? Should I keep giving him space? Did I totally blow this by moving too fast?