My (25M) SO (26F) takes a long time to get off during sex and I've started losing interest in it altogether as a result.

I feel shitty for thinking this way, but I can't help it. It can take her upwards of 45-60 min. depending on the session with frequent moments of getting close and then losing it. We've tried many things; I've suggested tactfully that she could masturbate more to better direct me as to what she likes and for her to be more communicative of what she wants me to do, but neither of those have made much of a difference. We've incorporated different sex toys which seem to only have a noticeable effect the first 1-2 uses. We've made my orgasm the focus first and then attempt to take care of her afterwards or vice versa, but to no avail. My gf definitely has anxiety and I'm sure this is a major aspect of why she struggles to reach orgasm. But that's a much more complicated issue to address. I assure her that its okay if she is unable to finish and don't pressure her whatsoever, but she still gets in her head. And TBH, I'm lying to her when I say it's no big deal. It is exhausting physically and mentally to spend that much time trying to get someone off every time you have sex. My hands/mouth start cramping up after awhile (it's very rare for her to cum from PIV) and it gets hard to maintain an expressive enthusiasm. I try my best to keep going and maintain appearances externally, but inside I'm exhausted, bored, and verging on frustration; not at her, but the situation. Especially after the 4th or 5th time of JUST ALMOST cumming and then losing it. I can't express these feelings to her in the way I am here because it would obviously hurt her feelings and only make the anxiety worse...It's a catch-22. I feel selfish because I'm fixating on how this affects me when it obviously is distressing to her as well, but I can't help but feel like sex is a chore given the circumstances. Masturbation is so much easier and quicker while still being enjoyable.

And another aspect that makes the sex off-putting is that it feels like I'm in charge of her orgasm. When we're having PIV sex I'm physically controlling the situation and getting myself there (which is how I like it). But when it comes to getting her off, I feel almost like I'm her masturbator? Idk how else to describe it. I'm working to not only get myself off, but her as well. I've suggested her aiding with her own hands when trying to get her off but she has said that when she tries to touch herself it's not the same as when I'm touching her and it doesn't work as well. This adds to the feeling of the sex being a chore because it's just this looming "marathon" where I feel like I am personally responsible to get my gf to orgasm. And to clarify, it's not like my gf is rude, demanding, entitled, or anything like that. She just struggles to get off due to her anxiety, but obviously still wants to get off like anybody else would.

Also, one thing to address because I figure it might come up: she actually has a very high sex drive (higher than mine). If she had it her way, we'd be having sex 1-2 times a day whereas I'm more preferable to 2-3 times a week on average.

Anyways, I know this is long and rambly, but its been a stream of consciousness form of writing. I don't know what to do in this situation because I love my gf very much and want our sex life to be mutually fulfilling and definitely not feel like a chore. I'm sure this can't be the most unique sexual issue either so I'm hoping other people who have been in similar situations can give advice/suggestions on things to do/try, how to communicate about this sensitive topic with my SO, etc. I really appreciate anybody who takes the time to read/respond!

Submitted April 10, 2019 at 05:01AM

I feel shitty for thinking this way, but I can't help it. It can take her upwards of 45-60 min. depending on the session with frequent moments of getting close and then losing it. We've tried many things; I've suggested tactfully that she could masturbate more to better direct me as to what she likes and for her to be more communicative of what she wants me to do, but neither of those have made much of a difference. We've incorporated different sex toys which seem to only have a noticeable effect the first 1-2 uses. We've made my orgasm the focus first and then attempt to take care of her afterwards or vice versa, but to no avail. My gf definitely has anxiety and I'm sure this is a major aspect of why she struggles to reach orgasm. But that's a much more complicated issue to address. I assure her that its okay if she is unable to finish and don't pressure her whatsoever, but she still gets in her head. And TBH, I'm lying to her when I say it's no big deal. It is exhausting physically and mentally to spend that much time trying to get someone off every time you have sex. My hands/mouth start cramping up after awhile (it's very rare for her to cum from PIV) and it gets hard to maintain an expressive enthusiasm. I try my best to keep going and maintain appearances externally, but inside I'm exhausted, bored, and verging on frustration; not at her, but the situation. Especially after the 4th or 5th time of JUST ALMOST cumming and then losing it. I can't express these feelings to her in the way I am here because it would obviously hurt her feelings and only make the anxiety worse...It's a catch-22. I feel selfish because I'm fixating on how this affects me when it obviously is distressing to her as well, but I can't help but feel like sex is a chore given the circumstances. Masturbation is so much easier and quicker while still being enjoyable.And another aspect that makes the sex off-putting is that it feels like I'm in charge of her orgasm. When we're having PIV sex I'm physically controlling the situation and getting myself there (which is how I like it). But when it comes to getting her off, I feel almost like I'm her masturbator? Idk how else to describe it. I'm working to not only get myself off, but her as well. I've suggested her aiding with her own hands when trying to get her off but she has said that when she tries to touch herself it's not the same as when I'm touching her and it doesn't work as well. This adds to the feeling of the sex being a chore because it's just this looming "marathon" where I feel like I am personally responsible to get my gf to orgasm. And to clarify, it's not like my gf is rude, demanding, entitled, or anything like that. She just struggles to get off due to her anxiety, but obviously still wants to get off like anybody else would.Also, one thing to address because I figure it might come up: she actually has a very high sex drive (higher than mine). If she had it her way, we'd be having sex 1-2 times a day whereas I'm more preferable to 2-3 times a week on average.Anyways, I know this is long and rambly, but its been a stream of consciousness form of writing. I don't know what to do in this situation because I love my gf very much and want our sex life to be mutually fulfilling and definitely not feel like a chore. I'm sure this can't be the most unique sexual issue either so I'm hoping other people who have been in similar situations can give advice/suggestions on things to do/try, how to communicate about this sensitive topic with my SO, etc. I really appreciate anybody who takes the time to read/respond!